You are the best. You need to know this. Sometimes when I read your comments, my eyes well up with tears, and I think it's because I feel simultaneous: a) loved b) supported and c) perhaps most importantly- understood. I'm having one of those, "the internet has connected me to so many incredible people" moments. But also one of those, "the friends and loved ones in my lfie are super sweet about following my blog" moments.
I love you for caring enough to comment!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
That's right- I am bigger than the life I'm living.
With every happy feeling I get in yoga, I see another area of my life that I need to grow. I've realized that I've been living in a box, trying not to come out for fear of scary stuff happening to me. Scary stuff like what's happened before- scary stuff like failure and judgment and heartbreak and cancer and losing family and loved ones. Scary stuff that seemed to have engulfed me a few years ago.
I remember a time when I had mentioned something to a friend about a crazy incident and she said to me, "You've never said ANYTHING scares you. I thought you were fearless." The rational part of me thought about how ridiculous that was. No one is truly fearless.
But looking back- what a way to live. Fearlessly. I
really remember that day and thinking about being perceived as fearless. And I remember who I was back then. I wasn't afraid to talk to strangers or try new things or show up places that I'd never been before. I had a faith in myself that I could do anything.
Nothing was off limits. I had faith that the thoughts I created in my head about how frightening things could be were way more terrifying than anything I'd actually have to live through.
And that's just not me anymore.
I have been humbled by life, humbled by pain, humbled by my body's limits. Humbled by cancer and the everyday turns of life. And yes, humbled by fear.
A friend's chat message bubble pops up on FB and I panic, thinking to myself, "omg, what am I going to say?" as if it's a job interview and this is my only chance to impress them. I don't drive at night much. I force myself to carry mace. I avoid making relationships because I know how easily they can fall
I see old pictures and wonder what I did to make that Lori go away.
On the other hand, I don't blame myself too badly. It's been a stressful few years. I'm 6 years out of a cancer prognosis that was less than encouraging, and it's only normal for me to need some time to
heal. I've been accused of having PTSD, and I don't doubt that I suffered from that at one point. I feel ok though, like I've grown some, and don't have to live that life of constant fear anymore. When I get a headache, I no longer worry about it being brain mets. (lol) And in the destruction that cancer can bring I realize that relationships can fall apart. Sides that you've never seen to people open up. Things change. In the aftermath of whatever happens, you cling to yourself and you hold on. Primal protective urges take over. People that meant something to you before become ghosts that haunt the spaces they used to fill.
So it's 6 years out, and I realize that I think almost every day about people that are no longer in my life much anymore.
Practicing yoga today, on the exhale of a downward-facing dog, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It's time to let go.
What is it about letting go that is also so scary? And so sad? I assume it's just the familiar that is hard to let go of. Even if the familiar still sucks.
Today I start a whole new life. People around me tell me "Own it! This is yours!"
I have no idea how to do that, and I say that I'll fake it in the meantime.
"No faking it! You can do this!" they say. There is love in their words.
I don't believe them at all. I have anxiety about even being able to pull off the faking it. I realize that my faith in my ability is almost totally gone.
But maybe that's the point. Maybe this is rock bottom, and I have to
crawl back up from here. Maybe this is where I find myself again and find out that even being so incredibly human, I can succeed.
So today- again, for the millionth time- today is a big, new exciting step.
I've always dreamed of bigger, better things. Now that it's happening, I'm scared as hell.
I think that's ok. :)
I think the point is having enough faith to see if I can do it again. I'm 36 years old, and starting all over. This time, I do it not so fearlessly. I have no idea how to do this.
But I'm still doing it.
Sunday, January 09, 2011
What up what up internet dogs. That was me channeling a fifth grader just now, sorry.
Life is good. I seem to be chugging along in school, and just like last year I'm surprised that it's already the new year. Not sure how many days it is until TAKS, but I know it's not many.
Overall so far this year I've really felt good about work/life balance. Yay, me!
I've also been a lot happier with my
body lately. I think I should be thanking Geneen, my bestie Joy, and of course my loving and supportive Bobby. I jsut really have been laying off the hate-fest inside my head and allowing myself to be normal. It's like the craziest feeling ever. It's been almost a year since I've had any serious string of workouts (not counting yoga) because I really just got so tired of being in pain every day. And you know how that goes- you don't work out, so then you eat trash food, too. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean. Anyway, its been a year of not being too active about diet and exercise. And guess what? Not that much has changed. Sure, I'm not as firm as I was, and my skinny jeans don't fit (or my semi-in-shape jeans, either), but I'm really pretty happy with my body just as it is. Now, finally, I feel like I can start building up from here. From my own personal experience, I think you have to love yourself when you're fat, or you'll never love yourself even if you're skinny. And I'm finally within reach of that.
Yoga is still going good. I really have to believe that yoga forced me to be in my body more, and that's why I am able to love it a little more, too. I think I am sorta addicted to yoga.
I catch myself all the time just moving into a yoga pose all the time- when I get tense or while I'm watching tv or after I roller skate. I think I've been doing it long enough now
(about 6 months) that I can tell which stuff I really like and which I find the least fun. I LOVE the balancing poses, for example. I can totally get lost in a balancing pose, and nothing exist outside of that moment. I've also been doing it long enough to know I need to accept that I'm just not in good enough shape to make it through the regular classes at YogaSport yet, even though I really love the place. So for now I'm doing my beginner Baron video at home and working on getting a bit more into shape so I can return without major headaches or other adverse affects. I still heart yoga, and I think it'll always be a part of me from here on out. Btw, who knew you could carry so much tension in your hips! And hips don't lie!
Besides that, I'm loving my school year and loving my work family. It's pretty awesome how I've gathered a small group of reliable peeps over the last 5 years. It makes work so much easier when you have people going through it all with you. I've been dragging up a lot of old shames with friends from the past, and am realizing that I'm still dealing with some of that. All in good time, everything will be cool in the end.
Wish me luck this week! I've got big exciting stuff coming up. Eek! So nervous. But excited too. :)