Me

this is me

and

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this is me

this, too

this is me

this is me

this is me

and this is me.

-MM

Flashback

I've had my period, 5 days on and 3 days off, for an entire month now.

Awesomeness.

If there's one thing that will make you love life, it's a never-ending period. I mean, seriously. Is this for real?

You may be thinking to yourself, how can this be happening? What could possibly make someone this menstrual-fabulous? Well, hormones, friends. Hormones will make someone have this problem. See, Interferon put me into a forced menopause five lovely years ago (at the age of 29- more awesomeness), and although my body recovered from that treatment somewhat, my hormones never really bounced back. When my doctor and I discovered this, we took some measures to get my body back in the swing of things. Which, in some ways, is great! For example, I have a lot more energy than I did before, my metabolism is better, and I'm not as irritable as before. Then everything sort of went haywire, and now I have a non-stop visit from Aunt Flo. Totally throws off my "another successful month" attitude about my period.

I can survive this. It's really no big deal. Just a little inconvenient. Want to hear the kicker, though? Flashbacks. That's right. Remember that first time that you walked into a hospital after like 1 whole month of not having to see your oncologist? That sick feeling of dread? Well, I had finally gotten over that, but that whole "what is my body going to do next" feeling came back with flying colors during the last month. I kept thinking, why am I gaining weight? why am I so tired? why am I needing so much sleep? is the melanoma back? why won't my leg stop swelling? when am I going to be able to work out again? why won't my body cooperate? All those things that I felt for so long when I was going through treatment just came flooding back.

What an eye opener. It's so easy just to fall back into working and living, without remembering vividly how I took life for granted before cancer. And how I've immersed myself in the sleepwalking of life again after cancer.

Why do I ever complain? When life is so good, when I am healthy, when I have so little to worry about. So many of my friends are still dealing with crazy complications from treatment every single day- having life threatening surgeries, dealing with graft vs. host, having scans showing growth in tumors. And here I am, happy, healthy, living the life of my dreams, really.

It was a gift, I guess, to see it again. One of those gifts that makes you stop and think about how easy it is to get caught up in the things that really don't matter. One of those gifts that, let's face, you don't always want to receive. But it's good to stop and take note.

I'm trying to remember that I WANT things like this to happen. I want the reminder that everything is impermanent, that I have no control. I need to be reminded that everything that I love and depend on and enjoy can be ganked in the blink of an eye.

It's tough, but I'm trying to want it.

:)

Peace and love,

-MM

Special Guest Interview with Scott Barnes!

The lovely Kat Von B. has done it again, and gone and gotten us an amazing interview with celebrity make-up artist Scott Barnes.

If you don't know him, you should, because he is the man behind the beautiful JLO glow. He also has GREAT make-up tutorials on Youtube for everyday women --that could make even my Aunt Fannie look fabulous- and his own line of make-up. Most exciting, as his website states, is "Scott Barnes’ highly anticipated book, About Face - Amazing Transformations Using the Secrets of the Top Celebrity Makeup Artist, is now available. Learn how to achieve – on your own – the looks Barnes has created for the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Mariska Hargitay, Kim Kardashian and a bevy of models and everyday women of varying ages."

So, yay! Another Hollywood advocate for melanoma awareness!

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Here's what she got:

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Kat: Hi Scott, I am a two-time melanoma survivor and I loved reading your book. The book is dedicated to your brother John. Can you tell me about your brother and his battle with melanoma?

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SB: He passed away at 30 years old. Was diagnosed the week of his 30th birthday with stage 3 melanoma, and died within that month. He had found a mole on his back that was very small, and since melanoma grows tentacles under the skin and gets in the blood stream, it hit his lymphatic system and he developed a lump under right armpit the size of a baseball. By the time he checked it and told everyone, it was too late.

*

Kat: Do you check your own skin for suspicious moles?

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SB:Yes! Get mapped! Look at every part of your body and get photographed EVERYWHERE. Melanoma tends to start on toes and thighs in most women, and then goes into the groin lymphatic system and then to the brain. I always stay out of the sun and have everything removed just in case every time.

*
Kat: I love your BodyBling products. Do you think your promotion of a healthy glow sans sun or tanning is making a difference with young women?

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SB: Hopefully! That’s the goal! Using Body Bling or self tanner instead of the sun still gives you the look and feel without the harmful effects and the aging.

*
Kat: Do you use sunscreen daily and do your advise your clients to do the same?

*

SB: If you know you will have exposure to the sun, use it and reapply every two to four hours. Limiting prolonged exposure – no baking!

*

Kat: Thank you for your time and bringing awareness to the number one cancer killer of women ages 24 to 34.

*

*

*

Sweet! Thanks, Kat for the awesome interview! And thank you, Scott Barnes, for your advocacy and for helping to spread the word about the dangers of sun exposure.

-MM

3 Important Messages

Take a minute or 2 to process each one before moving on to the next. :)




























































-MM

True Dat

Best quote ever, discovered while reading in the bathtub last night. What a moment.


"Imagine that you come home one day after work to find your door smashed open, hanging on the hinges. You have been robbed. You go inside and find that everything you won has vanished. For a moment you are paralyzed with shock, and in despair you frantically go through the mental process of trying to recreate what is gone. It hits you: you've lost everything. Your restless, agitated mind is then stunned, and thoughts subside. And there's a sudden, deep stillness, almost an experience of bliss. No more struggle, no more effort, because both are hopeless. Now you just have to give up, you have no choice.


So one moment you have lost something precious, and then, in the very next moment, you find your mind is resting in a deep state of peace. When this kind of experience occurs, do not immediately rush to find solutions. Remain for a while in that state of peace. Allow it to be a gap. And if you really rest in that gap, looking into the mind, you will catch a glimpse of the deathless nature of the enlightened mind." -Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying


Hope you enjoyed!

-MM

PSA Opportunity

I received an email this week from Emily Miles, who is a casting coordinator for The Cartel, the television production company hired to produce PSA's for the American Academy of Dermatology in order to raise public awareness about the dangers of tanning beds. If you are interested, or think you know someone who might be, please see this information and feel free to explore this opportunity and contact her at psa@the-cartel.tv or 877-556-7890. Help spread the word! Awareness is the key!
-MM

No Looking Back

I have thought for some time why I am thankful for this blog, and here is what I've come up with:
a. There are tons of people on here that I've never even met that (-call me crazy, but it's true-) seem like family sometimes. I have so much support here that I can't imagine my cancer journey, or my recovery, or living with the statistics of this disease sometimes looming over me, without it.
b. It is an always-available outlet for me.
c. It is a record of everything that's happened.
d. It is always morphing and changing into what I am morphing and changing into.

That being said, here is today's ultra corny but uber true affirmation. Yes, that right, I said affirmation. Here we go:

You are wondering why you are not doing the things you need to do and the reason is: (wait for it...) you are tired. You need a break. I know that you think that there is no time for a break, but if you want to take any action at all, then give your body the time and the rest it needs. When it is ready to bounce back, it will. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and exactly who you are supposed to be at this moment. Love yourself because you deserve to be loved.

-MM

P.s.- I can't believe I just cheesed out like that. But it felt good!

My new blog!

If you have any interest in cooking, check out my new blog. The funny thing is, I'm really a famously terrible cook!

-MM

If this was an education blog....

... I'd be writing about my job. I've spent a lot of my day today thinking about my kids. And my teaching this year. This has definitely been the most difficult group of 5th graders I've ever taught. Don't get me wrong- I love them. Like a lot. But they are VERY challenging group. I've never had so much trouble getting the content through to kids before, or had kids that had so little motivation. It's like this group would rather do anything than learn. Seriously. They ask to play Bingo every single day. Seriously.


So I've been evaluating what to change. One thing I'd definitely like to do more of would be teach in small group, so I can get to know my kids' needs more intimately and teach more effectively. But, the truth is, I don't know HOW to teach in small group. I do best in whole group instruction, but that is very obviously not working this year, so I guess, in other words, this kids are forcing me into new directions. Translation: I'm growing.


I'm reading a book right now called Spaces & Places and it's asking me: What is the one thing I want to do every single day in my classroom? Without much hesitation, I know what it is: to connect, on an academic level, with every kid. See the aha moment. Make them love learning. Make them feel capable, genius, fearless. No, I can't do that, but I can definitely get closer than I am now.

So, yeah. The life of a school-teacher. I am so cool researching and writing about my job on a Sunday evening. Alas, I still feel blessed. :)

-MM

P.s. Sorry for 2 things: a. not proof-reading this enough (which, in reality, is one of the major reasons that I don't post more) and b. the teacher-blog post. But sometimes you just gotta get it out there, you know?

Oh Happy Day

I'm 35 tomorrow.

I don't know really what to say besides that- because just being 35 is going to make me happier than you can ever imagine. Five short years ago, I was only given a 50% chance of living this long.

I can't tell you how happy I am that I made it. I am ecstatic. I can't tell you how good my life is. I can't express that there is nothing that I wish for in my life, because I think I have it all: great friends, wonderful family, amazing co-workers, an incredible home and a family that I look forward to seeing every day, a job that I (almost always) love. I feel like I'm closer to understanding spirituality and what my higher power wants for me than I ever have been in my life. I have fun almost every day, have the opportunity to play and remember what it's like to be a kid. I have made tremendous, horrific and wonderful mistakes that I can now see in the same light: love. I have finally learned to love and listen to my body. I am learning to feed it what it really wants. I have found friends to stick by me to the end. I have found friends whom I can share in their cancer journey and who want to share in mine. I have things I like to do and workouts that are fun and keep my mind off of things I need to keep my mind off of. I have the closest thing to a spouse that anyone who doesn't believe in institutional marriage can have. I have enough money to pay my bills and keep me in good supply of mostly-vegetarian food, as well as a cool house over my head. I know how to feel connected. I'm learning to say "no" to people and to set limits, to keep toxic people and conversations to a minimum, and to find my own way towards a more peaceful world and a higher consciousness. I am learning balance.

I am set.

I have always been set. I will always be set.

And I'm 35. Yay!

-Miss Melanoma

Call me Dr. Slump

My first thought is: give yourself a break. It's been a tough week.

And it has.

Linda's funeral was Thursday. Another member of our tiny group has moved on. I don't really know what to say except that it's so hard to see them go. They are out of pain and they are better off, but to know that they fought so hard to be here, and to miss them so much- sometimes it's hard to remember that there's a reason for everything, I guess. Or it's just plain hard to believe it.

I guess Bobby realized what was going on, too, and he was kind enough to plan a little out of town day trip to, what I realize now, force me into giving myself a day off. I spent most of the day in the hotel room just watching movies and relaxing. I shopped a little and napped a little, and we had a wonderful meal. It was nice to get a change of scenery, and the silence and time alone (while B went and did his own thing) was pretty awesome. I've been alternating not being able to sleep with doing nothing but sleeping and eating and not much else since early last week. A lot of eating. Like I think I might have to add on to the warehouse soon. I guess the fatigue is a touch of depression, but I'm just taking it as it comes right now. I'm functioning, I mean. I'm going to work, and such, but I'm also aware that my heart really isn't in it.

I'm taking care of myself, which feels a little weird and a little selfish. I'm learning to say no and I've been doing a pretty good job of it this week. And I'm making an effort to just be aware and be as unjudging as possible about my feelings. I just allow myself to feel whatever is there, and sometimes I cry, or I bargain, or I get angry, or I feel numb. And I just try to be with that until a new feeling comes along. I'm aware enough to know that I'm hurting and healing at the same time, and I'm also being a complete slacker, which doesn't feel so bad. It's actually kinda nice to just be doing this, and not fighting it. This is the healthiest grieving I've ever done. I actually feel like I'm going to survive.

I have a lot to reveal about the recent turn of events and what I've discovered about myself in the midst, but I just have no energy for it right now. Soon, though, I promise I'll share. Cross my heart.

Hopefully I can pull out of this funk and get some of my energy back soon. But just so you know, I'm okay. You may want to keep that Volkswagen-sized Red Bull around for me, just in case, though. Back away slowly, and avoid eye contact.

-MM

Go buy yourself a copy of this month's Self Magazine!

Hell yizzy!

Art Park and Linda

It's rainy here, drizzling. I'm wearing my pajamas and sitting around, and it's super nice to be doing so. It's just one of those days when you feel like doing nothing but curling up with a good book.
Unfortunately, no book and curling up are happening. School is back in full swing and there's only sleeping in on weekends again. It's ok, though. I'm working on balance, so at least I have time when I get home to think of something other than school. It's really been working out fairly well. The last week was all stress and crying, but when I get it straight in my head how being something other than super-teacher is okay, it feels really good. It feels SO good not to be thinking about school when I'm doing other things. Even if it's just laying around!

So maybe you're wondering what's up with the photo of the park. That's the Art Park here in Deep Ellum, and it's pretty awesome if I do say so myself. When I moved to this area, it was really in a slump, but now the community- of artists and musicians and just badass people in general- that has been here all along, is finally being seen and heard. And the Art Park is part of that. They had entry forms for those who wanted a chance to paint the cement sculptures- which were last painted 10 years ago- and I made the cut! Though very marginally and placed in the back area, I'm still really proud of it.
Which leads me to my dear friend Linda. I received an email today that mentioned an update on her blog that I had not read. I'm afraid that the update was the last thing I could've possibly wanted to read.

Her husband Dan wrote,
"I am sorry it has taken so long to update you but I kept hoping day after day that I would have some good news to share with you. Instead, Linda has still been in the hospital since 9/2 and we don’t have a date when she will get to come home. Without going into all the details of what has been happening, I will simply tell you I’m scared. While trying to maintain a somewhat stable environment for the boys, I also shared with them that the cancer is progressing rapidly……. And at this point they are working to keep Linda comfortable. Please continue to pray.... that she gets to come home soon. She asked me this week to promise that when her time does come that she will be in her own home and not the hospital. I pray I’m wrong, but I feel we need to get her home soon."

I've known for a week or so that Linda has been bad, but I wasn't aware of how bad, I guess. Or maybe I knew but I did not want to admit it. Linda is a dear friend, one of my support group members. I can't explain what it's been like since she was told about her recurrence in July '08. I've seen her go through every possible medical procedure, including a stem cell transplant and numerous chemos. It's been up and down for her but her downs have been gut wrenching. And now, after all the fighting, it appears that it is all coming to an end.
I know that one reason this is so hard to believe is because Linda fought all this time so that she would be here for her 2 boys. That's killer, of course. And on a completely selfish note, I don't want to lose another friend. Our support group is made up of only 6 of us- and we are as different as you could possible imagine. Linda has always reminded me of my roots, though. She seems like a long lost aunt and that is a comfortable feeling.

I need, and I want, to go see Linda. I miss talking to her and I want to be there for her. And, on the other hand, to be honest with you, I've been having a ton of anxiety and I think this visit has something to do with it.

How is it possible that I am so bad at these sort of things. You would think, having had cancer, that I would know the perfect thing to say. But I don't. I am at a complete loss. I know what I need to do right now: I need to be strong for Linda and go and be with her, by her side. It has been difficult to get to see her- for a long time it was because of immune issues and her transplant, and then when she was home I think she kept putting it off for her boys. Recently we have tried to convince her to let us come see her, but she keeps saying no.

I wonder now if it was to protect us.

It was hard to see Oscar in his final days, and Linda was there just as I was. But it was also priceless. It was a chance to be with a friend when they needed it the most. It was a chance to stand by someone we loved because they would've done the same thing for us. Is she trying to keep us from going through that again?
I don't know. I am afraid to see her because I know that I need to be upbeat and strong for Linda - not sitting there crying and making it that much more miserable on her. And I'm going to pull it together so that I can do that tomorrow.
I've told her a hundred times how strong and how amazing she is, so I'm not worried about that. I feel like we've said our good-byes.

I don't really know what else to say. The words just aren't there.

The only thing I could think to do was dedicate this piece to her. I am really proud of it, and actually quite shocked at how well it turned out. I think it's one of those things that you hope you can do but aren't quite sure. I feel the same way about being strong enough to see Linda.

Please pray for peace for Linda.

And, as another dear friend told me today, hug the people you love.
Stop worrying about money. Enjoy this day.
Life is so very, very short.

-MM

Rest in peace, Dave

May choirs of angels lead you to your final rest.
-Shakespeare












































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