Yes

Every once in a while, all of the power- the attention- that you have comes to bear on exactly what you're doing. And it doesn't decide whether it's good or bad, it just decides that it is.  And the only thing you can do is enjoy the ride. - Ken Kesey

Whomp whomp

It's been almost two months of being in pain.  I'm not sure how long I've been using the wheelchair, but I'm like over it.  For real.  I've known this whole time that my mental state was slipping.  I told friends that I felt like I was losing it a little bit, but it never really seemed that serious.

But for the last week or two I've felt like I was always 5 minutes away from the worst car wreck of my life.  Panic, I think it's called.  Yes, that's it.  Panic. 

I had dinner with the my cancer support group, and everyone started to talk about PTSD. 

Ugh.

So here's the run-down according to http://depressiond.org/ptsd-symptoms/:

The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:

(1) The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others
(2) The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

Um, yes.

B. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

(1) Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. 

(3) Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring 

Number 3 is a big one.  I've literally told people that I feel like I'm watching myself go through cancer treatment again, but in slow motion this time.  I'm more able to think about what kind of a patient I want to be, and how I want to approach the pain. 

(4) Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

(5) Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

Can you say panic attack outside of the MRI office?

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma
See avoidance, below :)

(2) Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma

(3) Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

I don't know if #3 fits or not.  I just know there's lots of moments from when I was on Interferon that I don't remember.  But I don't think any of it is especially important.  

(5) Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:

 (1) Difficulty falling or staying asleep....We're talking about me, people. I can sleep standing up. lol

 E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than 1 month.

 F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning

So, I don't know.  According to this website, I don't have PTSD.  But I do have some of the symptoms, and I have been having serious panic attacks, especially when I have time on my hands to think.  I've slowly been getting worse.  The sit-down talk of the night was: you're not realizing this is temporary, you're acting like you've been dx'ed with cancer again, you have like these crazy emotional walls up, and you've exhausted all your means of escape.  Ugh again.  

But I just gotta use my tools:

1. meditation

2. positive thinking

3. affirmations

4. therapy

5. possible medication

6. physical therapy or whatever it's going to take to stop this blasted pain

7. being mindful

8. expressing gratitude

9. staying connected to peeps 

10. telling myself I'm worthy of help, and asking for help when I need it; also not feeling "wrong" or "bad" when I receive help 

If I do those things, I'll be fine.  It's hard, because I doubt it when I say it, but I'm going to get through this.  This is temporary.  

Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings:
Talk about avoidance.  My latest has been fantasizing about moving away, alone of course, and finding a tiny apartment in a town where no one knows me.  I'll move somewhere cold, where it snows every winter, and I can bundle up and look out across the clean, white streets.  Some where so far away that I can have nothing wrong with me.  No doctors, no appointments.  I can be anybody.  I can be the shy loner girl.  I'll lose 50 pounds and smoke cigarettes and be mysterious and quiet and everyone will wonder what my story is.  But best of all, out of all the wonderful parts of this story, the part I love the most is that none of the people I love here have to watch me go through this.  I'll be two thousand miles away. I won't have to feel guilty for every extra minuscule effort they have to put forth to in some way help me.  I won't have to doubt every moment that I'm not making myself somehow invisible.  

It's gut wrenching.  It's gut wrenching because not only is it the perfect little fantasy complete with snow and a shy loner, but I don't even really want that.  I just want this.  I want my life the way it was 3 months ago.  I want to feel safe in my skin.  I want to stop crying when I realize I'm alone and there's no one to distract me. 

And, dammit, I will.  SOON.  Or someone is going to pay.  hahaha

-MM

Aha Moment

“For a long time it seemed to me that if I could just endure a little longer and be patient, I could resume my life. But it was one disease after another. It seemed as if I was taking one step forward and then [one step] back- always an obstacle in my path to good health. Then, at last, it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”


Great article: http://www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/copechron.pdf

This is me making peace with my body.  :)

-MM

Jenius

It has been a rough week.  I am now using a wheelchair.  Some days I feel pretty good and have just a little pain, some days it hurts too bad to stand.  I feel confident that by next week I will be out of the wheelchair and able to walk again, at least for a week or so.  Lately I've been expecting this sort of setback very on schedule and just kind of deal with them.  :)  So.... this is what's up.  Physically I suck.  Mentally, I'm much less bummed about it than last week.  At this point, when I AM upset, I really feel more inconvenienced than anything.  But I'm still living my life, and I can still teach, so I'm happy.

I was told last week, by someone that I never expected to be comforted by, "Be patient, God has a plan for you."  I don't know what she means, but it feels really good to hear that.  I don't even believe in the traditional form of God the way that she does, but I do believe that there is a purpose here somewhere.  What if all of this is my destiny?  How could I be mad and argue with my destiny?

I'm happy to be able to do what I can do, I'm blessed by amazing people in my life, the weather has been almost inspiring it's been so beautiful, and TinyBuddha.com says that "You can be who you want to be right now, no matter what your situation looks like." So dammit, I'm going with that.  Just thought you might want to know, since the last time I was on here I was throwing a temper tantrum.  teehee

I'll close with 2 fabulous pics, and 1 fabulous quote.

* 

muchos besos,
-MM

Real Talk

Don't ever tell a kid they aren't sick when they really are.  Don't ever try to convince them that what's really wrong with them is only in their head when they are genuinely suffering.

I say that because I know what happens to kids that go through that-- they end up like me.  And I am a hot mess when it comes to listening to my body signals.

My house was not always the easiest house to grow up in.  Things were pretty spectacular until I was about 9, and let's just say that's when ish got real.  There were drugs, and fights, divorces, lots of men coming in and out of my life, alcohol, jail.  My brother moved out. I was thrown out of the house a few times.  I thought of running away other times.  I stayed with friends and I lived with my grandparents off and on.  There was almost no stability and very little attention being paid to the kids.  The parents were having a hard enough time surviving and taking care of themselves.  And so I learned to be as little a burden as possible.  Never complain; try to stay invisible.  That meant survival.

Fast forward to yesterday (Monday) night. I'm in the middle of making stuffed cabbage casserole, and I feel a twinge in my back.  Hmm, I think. It's probably nothing.

And that's how it works with me.  My first instinct is always "it's probably nothing." I think it's served me well all these years, and I think that positive thinking is a powerful thing.  But post-cancer, in my "new normal," it's just a dusty old habit.  I can't think of any way that it's helping me.  The 48 hours following that twinge I've spent in bed, trying not to move to avoid back pain.

Not that my pain can be predicted-- or sometimes even prevented.  I'll be fine, then within an hour, my leg will be swollen, I start to have pains all through my abdomen, and I'll start to get shooting pain up my back for no apparent reason.  This may last a couple hours, or it might last days.  Then, just as quickly as it came on, it's gone.  Bizarre.


Sometimes, in the midst of pain like this, I give up hope.  I start to believe that there's no use trying to pretend that I'm normal and I can lead a normal life.   I think about quitting my job.  The truth is I let down my coworkers with what has practically become a monthly routine of staying home a few days with pain.  I tell myself to just push through, go to work.... and I'll be fine. I'll probably feel better the more I move around, my head says.  But that is hardly ever the case anymore, and I need to face that reality.  I'm anemic.  My memory suffers.  I have gone from being the top of my class in college to the girl with brain fog that can't remember basic vocabulary.  I'm a mess.  I'll wake up with the same migraine for eight days in a row. My joints and legs hurt, my foot goes numb and I trip over stuff like I'm drunk.  I feel narcoleptic in the afternoon. I'm sometimes exhausted for the whole week.  I ache all over- my shoulders, my neck, my face, everywhere.  My sciatic nerve in my leg sometimes burns from my heel to my back. My pelvic and abdominal pain make sitting painful, and I have shooting pain up my back when I try to bend over.  Am I even capable of having a normal job?  Will all this end with the hysterectomy?  Please say this will end.


I don't even know what the reality is.  What do I change when it's not even something I did?  It's hard not to blame myself when it appears out of no where.  I sometimes think I should go easy and save myself the misery of the pain later, but even resting a lot does little to prevent it.  So I think I should just get as much life as I can out of my good days, because who knows how many of them I will have?  Last week I was definitely tired, with just the regular lymphedema and nerve pain, but nothing I couldn't handle.  I forced myself through the fatigue.  I would take a few sips of Red Bull when I needed to and I made it to every workout.  I worked out 5 days last week!  And I felt amazing. I was even taking it slow, just walking on the treadmill or going easy on the elliptical. I was cooking, eating healthy food, hydrating like there's no tomorrow.  My libido was in full swing.  I was enjoying my workdays.   I had dinner with friends on Friday and even went out and enjoyed myself Saturday night.  It was like I was my old self again.  It felt so good to have it all together.   A normal life with a normal body.


And now this- in bed for two and a half days with back pain that shows up like unwanted in-laws.  These setbacks are never easy, no matter how many times you have them.  Read any cancer survivor's blog and you'll watch them, over and over, take a few steps forward then get shoved all that way back.  Its just how it works.  Tenacity is the key I guess.  I know all the statistics about how likely this is for me to be going through-- I know about interferon and the thyroid, about chronic fatigue and interferon, about autoimmune disease and the thyroid, about melanoma and the thyroid.  Only maybe 2 or 3 really close friends even know about this stuff, so it's difficult to explain missing work, missing concerts and events, being too tired to do anything.  I'm really sick of having to make excuses or explain.  It's embarrassing and awkward, especially since I have kept so much of this under wraps.   I seem like a total flake.  And dear God, it's been this way for years.

Ugh.  I think I'm just ranting now.  Sorry for the downer of a post.  Things will get better, be brighter.  I am going to hang in there and focus on the blessings--the people that love me, my friends and my family and my students.  I am overwhelming blessed daily by all of them.  And, year after year, things do get better with my body.  I will admit that.

I'm just going to let go and accept that this is the life I'm meant to live.  Thank you, Universe/God, for this life.  Eventually I hope to understand how it is perfect for me.

Lots of love,
-MM

p.s.- Please keep my peeps in your prayers, as they are going through lots of medical procedures right now.  Thanks!

You need to read this!

I tried to cut it down and make it shorter, but there were so few words that felt gratuitous.  :)

"There you are, and you suddenly realize that you are spending your whole life just barely getting by.  You keep up a good front.  You manage to make ends meet somehow and look okay from the outside.  But those periods of desperation, those times when you feel everything caving in on you- you keep those to yourself.  You are a mess, and you know it.  But you hide it beautifully.  Meanwhile, way down under all of that, you just know that there has to be some other way to live, a better way to look at the world, a way to touch life more fully.  You click into it by chance now and then: you get a good job.  You fall in love.  Life takes on a richness and clarity that makes all the bad times and humdrum fade away.  The whole texture of your experience changes and you say to yourself, "Okay, now I've made it; now I will be happy."  But then that fades too, like smoke in the wind.  You are left with just a memory- that, and the vague awareness that something is wrong. 

You feel that there really is a whole other realm of depth and sensitivity available in life; somehow, you are just not seeing it.  You wind up feeling cut off.  You feel insulated from the sweetness of experience by some sort of sensory cotton.  You are not really touching life.  You are not "making it" again.  Then even that vague awareness fades away, and you are back to the same old reality.  The world looks like the usual foul place.  It is an emotional roller coaster, and you spend a lot of your time down at the bottom of the ramp, yearning for the heights. 

So what is wrong with you? Are you a freak? No. You are just human.  And you suffer from the same malady that infects every human being.  It is a monster inside all of us, and it has many arms: chronic tension, lack of genuine compassion for others, including the people closest to you, blocked up feelings and emotional deadness- many, many arms.  None of us is entirely free from it.  We may deny it.  We try to suppress it. We build a whole culture around hiding from it, pretending it is not there, and distracting ourselves with goals, projects, and concerns about status.  But it never goes away.  It is a constant undercurrent in every thought and every perception, a little voice in the back of the mind that keeps saying, "Not good enough yet.  Need to have more.  Have to make it better.  Have to be better.  It is a monster, a monster that manifests everywhere in subtle forms.  

...

The direct result of all this lunacy is a perpetual treadmill race to nowhere, endlessly ignoring 90 percent of our experience.  Then we wonder why life tastes so flat.  In the final analysis this system does not work. 

...

Sounds pretty bleak, doesn't it?  Luckily, it's not- not at all.  It only sounds bleak when you view it from the ordinary mental perspective, the very perspective at which the treadmill mechanism operates.  Underneath lies another perspective, a completely different way to look at the universe.  It is a level of function in which the mind does not try to freeze time, does not grasp onto our experience as it flows by, and does not try to block things out and ignore them.  It is a level of experience beyond good and bad, beyond pleasure and pain.  It is a lovely way to perceive the world, and it is a learn-able skill.  It is not easy, but it can be learned." 

Bhante Henepola Gunaratana

Mindfulness in Plain English: 20th Anniversary Edition 

Medical Update

So, let me start by telling you that this post will talk a lot about my uterus.  Consider yourself warned.  :)

iheartguts.com

Let me try and sum up what's been going on in as short a post as possible.  I've typed this out several times, and it's been excruciatingly long.  There's no point in anyone having to read that much about my uterus.

During Interferon, I went through a forced menopause, and a little less than a year after finishing Interferon, my cycle came back in a blaze of glory.  Since then, I've had an ongoing increase in pain in my abdomen and back each month, sometimes debilitating fatigue, and increased swelling both in my leg and in my abdomen- with other symptoms increasing as well.  Because my brother may be reading this, I'll spare you the gory details, but if you'd like to know them, I'll be happy to share them via email.  You're welcome.  :)

the sonogram set-up

Anyway, my GP has been really awesome about acknowledging these complaints, and I've had a couple of saliva tests that showed that I was producing barely any testosterone or progesterone, so I have a Rx for topical doses of those.  The fatigue has gotten better overall, but can still be overwhelming at times, but at least some of the symptoms have subsided, like muscle cramps at night and inability to sleep.

I call this instrument "the monster"

That, believe it or not, is the short version of that story.  It's been 5 years of struggling with these, and I have been QUITE the squeaky wheel.  That led to me recently getting referred to some specialists, and I'm expecting more info from them soon.  Both of them were concerned about me being on the hormones, saying the side effects are terrible for you, but I haven't been able to find any research against it.  Do any of you know why they say this is so bad?  My experience with it has been very mild. One also asked about me considering getting on birth control pills.  Everything I've read on this says its a "no" when you have a history of melanoma, but she's saying that the research I'm reading is outdated.  Any of you have any input on that?

Other good news is that the pain may be caused by fibroids.  I had a sonogram (ouch) and boy did that suck.  I was in pain from swelling for the 2 days afterward.  I'm back to normal now, and am waiting for results, but thrilled that we may be able to figure out what the problem is.  There has been a mention of a possible hysterectomy in the future, too.

Sorry uterus, but you gotta go.

The other bit of news is that I've scheduled my cancer scans for spring break.  The GP has been insistent on me getting another PET, just to make sure that everything is on the up and up.  I get it.  I mean, it's been several years since I've had them done.
When I last talked to my onco, he asked me what I wanted to do about scans, and I told him pretty much flat out that I wanted to peace out and never be in a hospital ever again.  He was sympathetic to my sentiment,
and told me to take some time to decide how I wanted to handle things.  After months of thought, I was just kinda over it.

Dr. Mark Walberg, my oncologist

Cancer treatment options and follow up are very personal decisions.  I would never want to influence anyone else's thoughts on how to deal with them, but for me, the thought of cancer recurring just ruled my life.  After my last surgery, I just needed to feel what it was like to be normal again, in the way that I didn't let melanoma rule my every thought.  I needed to get away from hospitals and doctors and all of that, and I needed to get my life back.  I took years off from getting scans, and now that I'm back to seeing my oncologist and they're scheduled, I feel really fine with that.  A peacefulness I've granted myself by giving myself time to heal.

And Mr. Mark Wahlberg, who I wish was my oncologist

 That's not to say I wasn't completely freaked out when I went back to my oncologist's office.  I totally thought I had this down and it was going to be no problem, but walking in I was first hit by the smell- which I can't even really define (heparin, maybe?)- and was thrown back into the memory of what it's like to be a cancer patient.  I became almost immediately nauseous, and had to talk myself out of that.  But seeing a lot of people who were so similar to where I once was.... it was eye opening.  Because it made me realize how much I had just decided not to think about, and how much I needed to face it, I guess.  It's just such a sucky situation, to put it very mildly, to be drugged up because you can barely stand the side effects, and to be missing out on your own life because you're trying so desperately to save it.  Walking in there, I suddenly remembered vividly watching my hair fall out every time I took it out of a ponytail, and how cold my head was all that winter.  I remembered being so out of it but trying to hang in there for normal conversations.  I remembered the overall dread of whatever next dr.'s appointment I had, and how I was trying to just keep a fairly positive attitude.  There were lots of things I guess I wanted to forget that day, and many of them came flooding back.  I sat in the parking lot and cried afterward, mainly because I allowed myself a moment of grief for all that I, and so many other people, have been through.  And then again I cried--- as you all already know--- at the thought of having to do it again.

I feel ok about it now, a week or so later.  I feel okay but a little weary from the experience.  I know that my cancer peeps are still going through so much of this, and I want you to know I pray for you every single day.  I know that even some people close to me are going through this, and I send you loving vibes so often.  And for myself, I am being forgiving for what I chose to ignore, and supportive of what may come.  I am damaged and flawed and overall a completely hot mess, it is true.   And I aim to be the epitome of mindfulness, no matter how far I am away from it today.  For now, I am happy for every little thing in my life, and how lucky I have been.  You have no idea how incredibly lucky I am.





I'll keep you updated on the results of tests.  Blessings to everyone!

-MM

Random, but cool

You gotta check this out.

http://www.divine.ca/en/fitness-and-nutrition/exercise-finder/c_266/

By clicking on the body part, you get a list of exercises.  Great for workout ideas.  Or for a deterring making those bacon chocolate chip cookies you saw the recipe for.   mmmmmmmmmmmm

-MM

Just a Perfect Day

Today is the first really cold day of this year so far, and we're all coping by sleeping our Sunday away.  :)


Days like this, it's really hard to resist the urge to nap.

This is the miraculous Kitty.  Kitty is really a "he," but reminds me of the a famous diva, who also happens to be a drag queen, and so I've decided she's the same.  So I guess "Kitty" is actually her stage name.

She's also the neighborhood stray, who finds residence during the cold months in our humble abode. Remember that post a few weeks back about missing her?  Well, she must've been trapped in a building or something.  She showed up after being gone for about 3 weeks, and she was stick thin.  We've fattened her up, and she's back to ruling the roost.  Can't you just tell by the photo what a complete queen she is?






This is Tabby.  She's a neighborhood feral cat that ran in our door when it was left ajar a moment too long last winter during Snowmageddon.  She is super duper sweet, but also super duper skittish.  We can't get close enough to touch her, but we feed her and let her in when it's cold.  That's the arrangement.  :)

Can you see her in the photo?  She cuddles up in this old car seat we keep in our storage area on cold days like this.














And, of course, who could forget Bear? in her super expensive cush bed.  She's the palace princess, complete with monogrammed pillow.

I'm bundled up, sans make-up, sipping hot coco and hoping all of you are enjoying your Sunday, too!




-MM

Kitty

I really miss her.  :(

Two

In many ways, I'm two people.  If you're a teacher, you probably understand this.  My "work self" wears khaki pants and some drab polo shirt almost every day.  I'm fun but super clean, and always busy.  My "home self" is always showing off my cleavage and tattoo; I hate khakis but love jeans and heavy eyeliner.  Let's just say I'm not uber-clean when I'm away from school, and I spend most of my time relaxing in different ways.

Then there's the pre-cancer me: a young, fun, carefree party girl. I promised myself I'd never setttle down, and although I "loved" everyone, I really made it a point to not care too much about anyone (including myself).  The me now is a little different- I'm definitely not as young, not as care-free, but I work hard trying to be.  I'm just too old to party like that anymore, and don't really have the desire to most of the time.  I'm lucky enough to say that I'm in a relationship that is so good I only dreamed it could exist.  And although I'm still very careful who I bring into the circle of trust, the people in my life have a very different meaning to me now.

Despite all that, there are things that overlap all of these "me's:" the main one being I am flawed.  If you would've told me at 20 that at 36 I'd still be trying to break the same habits, I probably would've laughed.  At so many points in my life I was a model of discipline, and yet, for most of my life, discipline has escaped me.  I had hoped that age would bring wisdom, and perhaps more age will, but for now, I'm giving up on the guilt.  That's not to say that I won't keep working towards that me that I know I can be, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired about it.  And I'm all about that whole "always in progress, always complete" thing.  I'll probably have to remind myself to redo this giving up thing every month, but today I don't even care.  Seriously.

So this may seem like a downer of a post, but it's really not.  It's awesome.  Being flawed is awesome.  You should try it.  :)

-MM

This is just the best

A blog "written" by Suri Cruise in which she continually dishes it out  to other Hollywood children.

Thank me later.

http://surisburnbook.tumblr.com/

-MM

Something completely awesome that no one seems to know about

Click for video

I totally love this already

My dear friend Jess told me to check out the trailer for "50/50," which I had not heard of until yesterday.  I must say there aren't many parts of my life that I thought would make a good movie, but my friends and I talk all the time about how someone needs to sort of show everyone what it's like when  young person, totally unequipped to deal with even normal every day life, gets diagnosed with cancer.  It appears someone finally has.  :)

Can't wait to see it on September 30th!

-MM

If 3 bloggers meet for dinner and no one takes a picture, did it really happen?

I've received comments and emails lately from blog readers who have really warmed my heart.  Thanks so much for all the support and love.  And thank you for understanding that this blog is all over the place- from my job, to cancer to roller derby, to fashion and make-up, to relationship stuff, to Buddhism to yoga to advocacy- I'm not just consumed by one thing on this blog.  So if you've hung in there with me and you still like this blog, thanks for being you!  And now I have some other tasty tidbits for you. :)

First, I'd like to credit that joke to Tina, a blogger I've just found this week.  She's pretty fabulous.

Second, if you are a blogger, you have to check out this awesome post on How to Write a Great Blog Post, Part 3 by Elissa.  She is also pretty fabulous. 


Third, you have to meet Erin, who rocks Buffalo Exchange t-shirts like a girl after my own heart.  She's is pretty fabulous as well. 

And fourth, I'd like to use the first through third points to seg-way into the fact that I am so stoked I found three awesome blogs this week, who just happen to belong to Tina, Erin and Elissa.  And trust me- you'd need to be mad at me if I didn't share these.  Here's the kick, though: these three girls all know each other!  How cute is that!?!


T Minus, T Plus: A Plus Size Professional Bringing a Splash of Color to a Sea of Black Suits

Work With What You've Got

Dress With Courage

Enjoy!
 -MM

Brick by Brick

You think you have it so hard. 
You've got a test next week, your best friend is being a b word, there's some repair you need for your car that costs $1100, your cat is sick, your boss is a prick, your tooth has a giant cavity, and you hate your ex-boyfriend.  Life is terrible.  You want to die. 


And you go on like this for years.  Years.  Going from one crisis to the next. Then one day you get a phone call, and you have cancer.  Bam.  Like a hit from a baseball bat to the head.  Cancer.  Everything spins for a minute.  The world seems to jolt to a stop. 




 Everything changes.  No more "what am I going to do about  my econ grade?" Now it's become "what am I going to do about being dead?"   It sucks.  It sucks so bad, that unless you've been through it, you can't even begin to fathom the feeling.  It hollows you out in a split second.  It's like being struck by lightning. 


But you know yourself.  And you don't quit.  So you say, you know what? I can do this.  I can beat this.  I have no doubt I can beat this.  And so you do the treatment.  You have a 50% chance of living for 5 more years, so you decide to fight like hell.  You have no idea what hell will be like.  


The treatment lasts for one year, and the side effects are brutal.  You get a rash.  You get GERD.  You get IBS.  You feel like someone is continually hitting you in the stomach for about a year.  Your bones ache like they are being frozen within your skin.  You get strange shooting pains all over your body at random times for no apparent reason.  You are so tired, you fall asleep standing up.  You are so tired, you crap your pants- more than once.  You are so sick that you have to decide what hurts worse- hunger pains or the pain from eating.  You are so sick that your esophagus bleeds.  Your mouth is filled with yeasty pustules.  You pass out in the shower.  You still have the rash.  You have a fever almost every single day for an entire year.  You feel every moment like you'll collapse if you don't lie down.  You miss important engagements- graduations, concerts, parties, dinners- because you are so sick.  You get to the point where you can't even run simple errands- you have to take a wheelchair everywhere.  You sleep 70% of every day and night.  You wake up to realize you've missed whole days.  The hormones make you crazy, and when you are awake, everything makes you cry.  You gain 50 pounds.  You cannot catch an effing break to save your life.  You have no control over anything anymore.  You have been stripped down to your bare existence.  You hate your life, and you want to die.  And this time for real.  


In this time, when, to no fault of your own, you have reached your absolute low point, mentally and physically, you look around you for love and support and reassurance- and you feel so small and frail and alone.  You are alone because, through all this, you not only lost yourself, but you lost so many others.  The first was your close aunt- who, in her own grieving process, lashed out at you for the mistakes that you'd made in the past.  Why didn't you take better care of yourself?  You could've prevented this!  She has no idea how to deal with what is happening to you and can't bear to watch it.  Her anger at the situation overfills her heart and she thrashes it around wildly.  You are in the direct path.  She cuts you out of her life. 


Your friends from adulthood try to hang in there, but when they've never seen death so close before, they begin to question their own immortality.  This ish ain't pretty if you've never seen it before, and one by one, memory by memory, lonely tiny morsels of trust left in your once overflowing life, the friends become consumed with their own lives- after all, yours IS the only one that's stopped- and they disappear.  They all have bills to pay, kids to raise, families to tend. But what is most striking to you are the mistakes you made, whatever it is that you must have done  to make all these friends disappear.  Everyone is so uncomfortable around you.  You are overwhelmed with shame.   


You cling to those last few people.  One of your caregivers is an old friend from way back.  You lean on her.  She thinks that you should be handling the illness one way, and you think you should be handling it another.  Tempers flare.  Words flail like sharp weapons- and it becomes a game of who can cut the other deeper.  It's like a bomb went off inside you both, and feels like the worst breakup ever- even though it's not even with a guy.  You feel like a limb has been severed.  You both are miserable, but neither will admit it.  A friendship 20 years old, gone like the snap of your fingers. 


Because you're sick of it!  You're sick of it all!  To have to endure everything, and then, in the midst of it bare the psychoses of those around you? To have to carry their inadequacies as they dump them on you for being sick?  You're the cancer patient!  These are their faults, not yours! Why are they lashing out at you, making your life even worse?  Shouldn't I be the one being taken care of here?


What is it going to take?!?  It's all been ripped from your clutches- your life, your health, your body, your future, you friends, your dreams, your time, your energy, your job.  It has even taken your personality. You are shaken to your core.  You are a naked shell compared to what you once were.  You are Job.  You look around you and it is a desolate wasteland of nothingness that surrounds you now.  How did you even get here?  A year ago you never would've believed that this would be your life now.  You were so naive.  The destruction from your life has created a huge void.  Is this rock bottom?  Please tell me this is rock bottom.  Please tell me things get better from here.  


There is nothing left to do but rebuild.  You discover that the whole time you thought you were alone, there was a prince right beside you.  He was there holding you up when you weren't looking, all along.  The cancer seems to be gone.  You can allow your body to begin mending.  It will take years, and the fatigue and pain never fully subside.  You try to figure out who you are now.  You try to build your old life again, but everything is different.  Everyday is a brick. Brick by brick, though, you make a new life.  It's not as carefree as it was, but you are alive.  Things are not easy, brick by brick.  Slowly you rebuild.  


Most importantly you find, you are not alone.  You find a community of other survivors.  Healing is not easy, and many of the symptoms still exist.  Nothing is the same as it was, your body has changed, your mind is not the same, your personality is different.  But you have learned to accept that.  Things are ok.  Then things are good.  There are still very few true friends, and only one or two people you trust anymore, but slowly life becomes great again.  The bricks begin to build a structure, which is still wobbly most of the time.  Brick by brick, it becomes stronger.   There are cancer scares, and sickness, death and disasters.  And finally, after a long, hard road, when you realize that everything is still in shambles, you sigh to yourself and decide to just be happy for the little there is.  It is not much, but it is awesome.  Life has begun again.  It has been six years, and life is starting to look like a life I like to live again.  Thank you, God.  

3 Great Things

I just wanted to share some hot new finds. 


#1 MelanomaGirl.com is a site I found via Facebook (believe it or not). I kinda went off on a tangent on there the other day.  I guess I don't know how to deal with it when I see a mole that looks suspicious to me or when my friends post (over and over) "OMG I got so sunburned today!" or "I love my new tanning bed place!" I mean, come on people.  All I'm asking is wear sunblock and stay away from tanning beds.  (I mean, any advice, btw?) Anywho, speaking of tangents..... lol....what I was saying was.... that I found this awesome site called Melanoma Girl. She's got a well-designed website and an uplifting, amazing attitude to boot.  Her t-shirt designs are pretty stellar too.  You should definitely check it out. Cuz it's "pretty cool!" (see video)

#2- I got an email from Brenda Becker for MelApp and she informed me that there's a new iPhone app called- appropriately enough called MelApp.  According to Brenda, 
"MelApp is an early detection mobile app that uses the iPhone’s camera coupled with image diagnostics to assess if users’ moles and freckles are low to high risk of melanoma. Highly sophisticated patent protected mathematical algorithms and image-based pattern recognition technology lets MelApp analyze a user’s uploaded image of their mole or freckle, using an image database licensed from Johns Hopkins University Medical Center. Within seconds MelApp will provide a risk analysis of the uploaded picture being a melanoma."

Ok, not the best named idea out there, but I feel like this is pret legit.  And so high tech! It's a very sheek looking app, very functional, pretty intuitive design.  All in all, I give it a thumbs up.  Check it out at www.melapp.net 
and 
www.healthdiscoverycorp.com .


#3- You have to know about Funnycancershirts.com!  Holy shit.  Truly great cancer design going on there.  Totally seriously!


Great to be back after a full month taking off!


-MM 

Separate Vacations

Every few years, Bobby and I do separate vacations.  This actually started sort of as an argument the first time. Hilarious.  It happened when I, in one of my not-so-noble moments, booked a vacay without Bobby.  In retaliation, he did the same, and two weeks later, when we were both back from our separate trips, we were better for the experience.  We were both reminded of what independence feels like, happy with ourselves, and more appreciative of our love for each other.  I don't know, but I'm guessing that separate vacations either make you love what you have or realize that you need to make a change.  And for me, it also makes me really evaluate what I love and how I would spend my time if I wasn't thinking so much about someone else, which is not only good for me, but good for the relationship.


Getting to watch tons of bad tv completely guilt free isn't too shabby either. lol

Yes, that's right: I'm on a stay-cation.  B went off to LA in pursuit of all kinds of worldly comedian knowledge, and I decided to kick it right here at the casa.  The warehome.  The old homestead.  It's day 3 today, which I have designated "cleaning day." Day 4 will be "art day."  These days were preceded by "sit on the couch day" and "healthy indulgence day."
 


Both  day 1 and day 2 were allotted extra time for bad tv.  This included The League (my fave), Southpark (of course), Jersey Shore (eek!), Bones, Psych, The Unusuals, Celebrity Ghost Stories (I am such a sucker for these!), Archer, along with lots of Food Network, and also Samantha Who?, which I just now found.
Yes, Samantha Who? is a bit cheesy, but I just love the idea of waking up and being completely wiped clean from the person you were the day before.  On the show, she has retrograde amnesia, and wakes in the hospital to find that she has no memory of her life before a hit and run accident 8 days before.  So she sets out to find out who she is, and progressively realizes that she was a horrible human being.   The funniest part is when she asks people to describe her to herself.

Pretty interesting, right?  Can you imagine waking up tomorrow and having to ask people what you are like?  What are your favorite foods?  What is your job?  Do you like your job? Do you like yourself?  Do you like your family?  Your friends?  Your life?

To just add to that, ask yourself this- if you asked the people closest to you WHO you are, would they even know? Dr. Phil has this thing he calls a personal truth.  I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan, but I love what his says about it.

"Decide what your personal truth is. Every single one of us has one — something we believe about ourselves when nobody else is watching. Our personal truth is what we really say to ourselves when our social mask is off. Once you decide what your personal truth is, then you'll be less vulnerable to what others say.  Personal truth is so important bc I think we generate the results in our life that we believe we deserve.  If you have a damaged personal truth, you generate the results that match that.  When we grow up, people write on the slate of who we are.  People like parents write on our slate.  But the most tragic thing of all is when we pick up the pen and start writing and we write the same things they did."


So there's a little something for you to chew on all week: who are you, and do you like who you've become?  Would you like a description of yourself?

Rest assured that am asking myself these questions, too.  It's what I'm focusing on this week, too.  I'm focusing on the part of the description that I want to change.

It's a great stay-cation!  Namaste!

-MM

Holy Moly!

Daily aspirin may protect against melanoma

Long-term use cut risk of deadly skin cancer by almost half, study finds

By Linda Carroll

msnbc.com contributor 

updated 6/23/2011 8:58:48 AM ET

An aspirin a day may keep melanoma at bay, a new study suggests.

After scrutinizing the medical records of 1,000 people, an international team of researchers have determined that the risk of melanoma was cut by almost half when people took a daily dose of aspirin for at least five years. 

“Our data at least support the hypothesis that long-term steady aspirin use has an effect,” said study co-author Dr. Robert Stern, a professor of dermatology at Harvard Medical School and chief of dermatology at Beth Israel Deaconess Hospital in Boston.

You gotta read this!!!!  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43468687/ns/health-cancer/

-MM

Dear 16 Year Old Me, Dear Someone Else---

I've had a ton of people send me this link on Facebook, Twitter and even in comments of this blog.  It's definitely worth watching, and I tear up every time I see it.  I wish I had seen it at 16! But I can still share now with people that don't know.  Please repost or send to anyone 16, or anyone who has ever been 16.  :)

-MM