Free at Last

I woke up this morning and I was in my own bed with my own pillows in my own room. It's so good to be home. Of the last 44 days, I was in the hospital 38 of those. I tried to make the whole thing look easy, but I know it didn't. I tried hard to breeze through it just for the sake of not worrying about it, but honestly I can't tell you what it's like to know that I don't have to go back. This whole chemo-tour thing is finally over, the high dose treatments are done, and now I can take the rest of the 11 months at home. It sounds cheesy, but this last month in the hospital has totally changed me- it has made me think about so many things that I took for granted before all of this. We forget so easily the little things that we can do everyday until they're taken away. Today's big deal was just being able to walk outside and go get the mail. I couldn't do that for a month- couldn't just get up and go outside if I wanted to. And when I walked through my house today, it dawned on my how much sunlight there was in every room. You miss that in a hospital- you have a window but the halls and everywhere else is so closed off, all you get is flurescent light. In the midst of it, you don't think much about it, but it makes a huge difference, really. I can't complain so much, because my peeps made the month go by so smoothly- Mandy and Manda and Bobby and Tamara and Mom. I seriously don't know what I would've done without their love and entertainment and support. Especially Bobby- he came through for me on a daily basis, and I know he got tired of hanging out at the hospital everyday. But we really made the best of it and I'm almost shocked how much fun we had. I have been so lucky- SO LUCKY- to have all of you, and so lucky to have had the doctors that I've had. They've all been amazing to me and so kind. But most of all I feel thankful for the 4 million nurses I've come in contact with over the last month. They were all truly amazing. On a cancer floor, attitude is everything, and I can't tell you how many times Bobby and I would be sitting around goofing off and laughing and a nurse would say something about how long it had been since they'd heard laughter on that floor. It blew my mind to think about it, because laughing was sometimes the only thing that kept me from crying. Can you imagine losing your laugh? People lose hope when they hear the word cancer... I guess I always knew that, but seeing those other patients made it so real to me. I've been blessed- so blessed- with all of this. It's given me new vision into what I can do and what I can do for others, what a difference just a simple laugh can make. I encourage everyone to realize that and take action on it, to just be around someone who's lost that ability, just to remind them. It's crazy, this life, and every once in a while we get a chance to see it for what it really is. Today I feel like I woke up and my whole life was waiting for me. Like I have a brand new beginning that I can't wait to get started on. I don't want to waste one single second of it. I don't want to let one tiny piece get away from me without really living it up and enjoying it. And I just can't wait to get started.

Drunk on Benadryl

Hi-ho, Lori the cancer patient here. It’s been a good day today, ate a whole cheeseburger for lunch and my mom came up and brought homemade candy. Tammer had a minute to come by and she brought homemade soup and cake (Bobby ate it all), which is always a bonus. I finally got moved to the oncology floor, so I’m back among nurses that I know and love and who actually know what a PICC line is, unlike floor 7. These oncology nurses amaze me- they’re so upbeat and positive and it makes such a difference to be around people like that. Not to be negative, but if you ever get cancer, I don’t recommend floor 7. Anywho, scheduled to start the last (WOOO-HOOOO!) round of high-dose chemo very soon and then once the staph infection is under control, I get to go home and do the 3 times a week chemo injections there for the next 11 months. I can honestly say I never thought I’d be this excited about 11 months of injecting myself with anything besides heroine, but it’s true, kids. Being on this floor and around all these cancer patients, wow, do I feel so lucky to be where I am mentally and to not be suffering through the 3rd round of cancer treatment. And some of these people are even younger than me, and seem to be struggling more. God has a weird way of showing us how good things can be even in the strangest days. Wow, that was deep. Oh, well, it happens I guess. I’ll keep in touch and all you kids take care of you.

-L

You're Never Gonna Believe This

Seriously, though, can you believe this sh*t?! I was going to get to stay home for 10 days and take the i.v. antibiotic at home, and I end up being allergic to it. So I break out in hives from head to toe, and call my doctor, and he says to me, "You've got to go to the ER and get admitted, because your infection is too bad." So I've been out 2 full days, and I've got to go back. I have seriously not been so upset about anything that's happened as I am right now, knowing I've got to spend another week or 2 in the hospital. But I guess I'm getting it over with, and I'm going to try to stay positive. I'm just really disappointed, but it could be a lot worse. I'll holla. :(

Here's my Advice to You

It's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful to be home. Be thankful, kids, for all the little things you never think about, because nearly 3 weeks in the hospital will make you appreciate them. Good God, it's so good to be able to sleep all the way through the night, without those 2 am, 4 am and 6 am vitals checks, and the 3 am blood draws. And I can shower and change clothes without having to beg someone to come disconnect my I.V. I can walk outside or go to the store and pick whatevere I want to eat. Life is good, I tell you, and if I never have to spend the night in a hospital again, it will be too soon! Now we all know I still have a week left of chemo, but hopefully I can stay home a few days before that one has to take place.
I still have to take the Vancomyacin IV antibiotic, so a home health nurse came by today and showed me how to flush my lines and do the drip twice a day. The rash (did I tell y'all about the rash)- whoo, it's ugly, but the itching is getting better and we're assuming since I've still got it that it's probably from the antibiotics instead of the chemo. Hopefully, it will subside soon, too. Other than that, I'm amazed at the energy I have and I feel so great. A little braindead from 3 weeks of hospital food and 6 tv channells, but hopefully I can regrow some of those braincells this week. Hope everyone is good, and pray for no more hurricances, because that shit is not the best thing to watch on tv for 18 hours a day if you want to keep your mood up-

-L

This is the A-Game

Let me first apologize to everybody out there that’s been waiting around for me to update this blog, but it’s been a really busy week, and by busy, of course, I mean I’ve been combing the hospital for people to harass. On a serious note, everything has been going well here. Came into the ER last Monday with a slight fever which turned out to be from an infection at the site of my last surgery. So, they decided to go ahead and do the chemo and load me up with antibiotics at the same time to fight both these nasty skanks in my body. Mandy flew in from San Diego and little Amanda came down from College Station, which made the time go by super fast, and of course little Bobby was on stand-by for regular and scheduled abuse. The nausea has been a little better this time, so I’m actually eating a few times a day, and my hair hasn’t seemed to fall out yet either, although I’m not gonna tell ya I couldn’t use the time off from shaving.


The antibiotics are really strong, and caused some kind of reaction that is strangely similar to being rolled in cornflakes and honey. The friends describe it more of a chicken-pox type rash. To each his own. Doc says I’ll be on the antibiotics for another couple of weeks or so, so I should be baking up some bread in no time… all the signs are pointing that direction. Also looks like I’m going to have to go back into surgery for the leg- it keeps filling up with fluid, which is why the infection started in the first place. They’ve drained it once already, but it’s going to have to be drained again soon. Good news is I have no feeling between my hip and my knee, so they can drain that main vein all they want as long as it gets me outta here sooner. Booby’s got some pics of the room, hopefully he can post some of them up. The atmosphere has made all the difference.



After a week of fighting my veins (the chemo is really bad on them) and resisting getting a port (which is a surgical procedure that puts and IV in your neck or chest) Dan the Man Chemo Nurse finally talked me into a PICC line, which has helped out significantly. It’s just a plastic tube that starts in my upper arm and ends in the anterior vena cava, but it makes IVs and blood draws like butter (no more painful sticks or digging for veins). We’ll try to get pics of the arms- heroine chic is SO chic! So anyway, I’m here for at least another 5 days so feel free to call, although the chemo has dropped my protein levels way low, which means I’m sleeping about 14 hours a day (not counting naps)- but I’d love to have the phone calls, I promise.

Back In The Saddle Again

Hello all- Well, thought I'd check in briefly before next week. I'll be in the hospital receiving round 2 of the chemo treatment starting Monday or Tuesday and lasting 5 days. Let me tell you what they don't say about chemo, and that's that the drugs they give you to get you through the chemo is what actually makes you so crazy. They gave me steroids in the morning and at night to keep my system fighting, and I had a little more than 'roid rage. I freaked out Exorcist style, and besides the crying I did for 2 full days, I had that whole head spinning around issue, too. Luckily, it all turned out okay, and I'm rearing to go for another round. For those of you keeping up with what's going on through these blogs (both of you) feel free to call and check in... I'll have lots of time on my hands in the hospital. And thanks for all the thoughts and prayers going on out there, kiddos. Until next time, Amebos!
-L

World's Greatest Chemo Diet

Hey kids it's me, your favorite melanoma patient. I'm just checking in on y'all during my sabbatical from the hospital. I'm home for 5 days and then back to the hospital on Monday.

Chemo wasn't so bad, kinda weird and different from what I thought it would be. I can definitely tell you I'll never be a heroin addict. They were shooting me up between my toes by the time I left because the saline couldn't be pumped into me fast enough. It's all good tho, the nurses were very cool. I look MAD HOT in those gray hospital gowns.

Hospital food left something to be desired or was it just me? Everything has a funny taste to it even now that I'm home. I guess that's Chemo for you. It's been fun just trying to find food that tastes like it's supposed to. In the hospital the banana pudding tasted like fish. The ice tasted like dirt. The grapes tasted like hand lotion. Now I'm home and it's all fun and games trying to figure out what food is going to taste like. Nachos tasted like old lettuce. Waffles were spoiled milk. It's more fun than you think. Lots of foods taste like your favorite cleaning agents. 7-Up is like Liquid Plummer for instance. Good times.

For all of you asking, no I haven't lost any hair, just on the butt. I'll keep you posted on my Susan Pewter hair do when it happens.

Until next time America, you're my schmoopie-heads.

LL

A Better Vein, Or Is It Vain?

Guest reporter, Bobby here. Loribert Fistybuns, aka Miss Melanoma is kickin' it in the hospital sucking down Interferon like it was Iced tea on a hot Mississippi Mudbug festival night. She wanted me to throw a "Yo" to all her MM peeps (that's you).

For those that didn't know the hospital trip was coming don't fret, it was planned just a little bit of a secret.

Day 1 of treatment is in the can (movie talk) and she took it like a trooper, big surprise right? Nausea visited but was quickly squashed with something that sounded like Flem-en-luugee. I don't know what it is, but it worked and our girl got some mad hospital food. Mr. Headache visited too, but that may have been my fault as I was trying to hook up surround sound in her room.

Dr. Van Patten (Lori can correct his name later) is da man and puts Rodney Dangerfield's wardrobe from Caddyshack to shame. But he's the coolest cat in the litter box so you can't even think twice about making fun of him. My hick-e-fied relatives would throw a comment like "He's a good egg", I concur doctor.

Tamara, Stephen and the Fam have been visiting in regular intervals. Good eggs all around there also.

Internet access is non-existent at the hospital so if you've sent correspondence to Lori via email be patient (pun), Lori should be back home around Sun-Mon.

For now keep your prayers, Buddha rubbing, chicken beheadings coming. Whatever you've been doing so far it's working because she's on her way to becoming the Melanoma Poster Child.

I'll try to snap a pic of LL in her Tiara and upload.

Besos (from Lori),

Bobby

p.s. Did you know your body produces Interferon on its own? You did? You did not.

10% Discount on Pedicures

So... tomorrow I go into the hospital to start treatment. I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't nervous, hence the 2 a.m. posting. It's been a great week of enjoying things I haven't had the opportunity to enjoy in a while: you know, beer, showers, wearing real shoes, walking without crutches. It's the simple things you take for granted everyday that mean the most when you get them back. I'm glad they're back.

I'm just going to stay busy and try to get some sleep and focus on other things until treatment... just staying focused on all the good stuff going on around me. I know everything is going to be awesome and this month in the hospital is going to go fast. Also want to say thanks to Kelly & Jeff who came down to see me today, Tammer and Lush for being themselves, and little Bobby for letting me drive him crazy, and of course to all the other friends that have been there and the unmentionables out there (you know who you are, Voldemort). I appreciate you all and know I can do this with your help.

Snoochie Boochie

Well, it's been a good week. I've tried to slow down on the blogs because I don't wanna overwhelm my loyal fans. :) Anyway, long story short, the Jackson-Pratt tube in my stomach that led down to my leg and drained the lymphatic fluid out of my thigh came out (all foot and a half of it) while I was at the movies. It's okay, the movie sucked anyway. And they took the stitches out of my foot. So that means I'm really supposed to be taking it easy, which doesn't work out too well for me in general. The tube wasn't supposed to come out until next week, so the fluid is collecting in my leg, and it's not necessarily the most positive feeling. Not pain, just wierd and kinda uncomfortable. Anyway, it's not that bad, and it seems to be a lot better than everyone expected.
So next Sunday, I go into the hospital and start my first chemo (Interferon) treatment. I'm actually more nervous about the medi-port (that permanent IV thing they stick in your neck or chest) than the chemo. Is that wrong? I could use some company and phone calls, since I'll be in for a while, so if you're reading this, feel free to do so. The visits are $10 per half hour, or a four-hour block for $50. You can't afford me for the weekend. Slots are going fast, so call our operators NOW to reserve your good time. Neh. Anyway, hope to hear from you losers. Besos.

-L

Who's your mama?

Awesome doctor's visit... the sutures are still in the foot and I still have the drainage tube from the stomach, but no more staples. They took out sixty-something that started a little above my knee and went up my thigh into my abdomin. Yeah! One more step towards total recovery. And next week, I'll maybe get the rest of the foreign probes removed. :) Can't wait until they give me permission to walk. That'll be another great day.
Until next time, Batfriends...
-L

The Bear!

Another little milestone- today I can make it up and down the stairs even without crutches, which means my dog gets to come home! She's great company, as she is the only one who sits in my room day in and day out with me. I know during Interferon, she'll probably have to go stay with friends or family again, but I'm really enjoying having her back for now, and I'm just going to concentrate on the things I have to be thankful for today.

I Fell flat on My Ass. No, literally.

So Lush and I go to the movies tonight and, of course, I'm still on my crutches. And he says to me on the way, "I hope you can crutch up stairs, because I'm not sitting on the front row." Let me just say now that the movie had already started and it was full of people as we made our way up the stairs, and I noticed that I was almost tripping a lot and that I was really tired. So my stupid ass makes it all the up to the seat, when I just drop and eat sh*t in front of everyone. On my way down, there was this collective gasp from the theater watching me. It was hysterical. It's been a long time since I've been embarrassed, but I was tonight. I think I started laughing before I even hit the ground. And then I just sat on the sticky floor laughing until Lush finally helped me up.
Truth be told, I didn't slip and fall. I didn't even know I was falling until I hit the ground. And I guess since it was so dark in the theater, I didn't realize that I was dizzy, not just clumsy. Evidently that bowl of cereal wasn't enough today. :) I'm such a doofus- I know I need to eat more, but when I'm not hungry, it's hard to make myself. But I'm going to have to because I can't be one of those people that always has to have someone looking out for them to do the right things. Lush watched me like a fucking hawk when I got home and it drove me nuts. What a freak.
Overall, hysterically funny night. hehehe

Lucky girl, world's shortest memoir (w/pic)

Went to the doctor's office again today, and no sutures, staples or tubes were removed, which is fine. Jody says the drainage needs to be down to <30 cc's a day before they can take the other 'nad. It's cool, though, and I got to read a great Lance Armstrong article in the waiting room, and in the elveator got to talk to two little white-haired ladies who thought having my toe cut off was the funniest thing ever, which made me laugh all the more. Went to the chapel after, as is tradition for Hammer and I, even though I was missing Hammer today. She's in St. Louis working, and everyone at the office asked for her. I love that office. I love my doctor and my nurses and the way they hook me up with meds and such. I love my friends and that they've made this so much easier for me, that they've carried me thru this. I love my crutches and my luck and how good life is. As I was going in to the restroom at the doctor's office, a lady was coming out that had had a double mastectomy. Why am I so lucky that this was just skin cancer and I just lost a toe? Why am I so lucky that even though I let this go on for years knowing I needed to check up on it, we still caught it in the early stages? I guess there's no answers, but I feel so blessed. So blessed and so lucky, and it just makes me want to share my luck with others and make sure I pay this forward.

-L

Don't eat yellow snow

I'm fat today. Okay, maybe not any fatter than yesterday, but today I have PMS. And it kills me because I miss working out so bad and I can't do anything now (obviously, since I can't walk and I have tubes coming out of my stomach). I just keep telling myself it's a temporary situation, and it is, and that makes it all ok. No, seriously. Only thing that truly helps is that I'm honest with myself and everyone else is honest with me. I say, "Am I gaining weight?" And they say, "I think it's just that you're not working out so you're not toned anymore. But you can't try to lose weight right now, you've got to keep your strength up." So I trust that and just go with it and try not to think about it, and that works for me. (Plus, I avoid mirrors and overly honest people.) And I'm still happy with me, I just know that the things I have to work on have to be put on hold. It would help if I could wear a little skirt and high heels again, but you can sh*t in one hand and wish in the other and see which one stays full, I guess. That's cool, right?

Keep on truckin (w/pic)

It's been a good weekend, and today Bobby painted my crutches bright pink, which just makes me feel great about having crutches. It's so funny how cute they are. Stuff like has made the whole experience so much easier to deal with, like the pink crutches and taking pictures of me on the Lark in Target. Good friends will take you far in cancer land.

Fell off the Wagon

Got a call from a charter school this morning that wanted to interview me for an English Teacher position in Irving. A killer job that I know I can't take b/c I have to start Interferon-Alpha in a few weeks. It doesn't make me mad, it just hurts that I want to work SO BAD and it's an awesome position that is hanging in front of my nose. But everyone that I know that's taken Interferon said it would be impossible to work, especially the first few months. The first month alone is a high dose administered in the office for at least an hour. And the symptoms are supposed to be pretty severe.

In related news, a local woman suffered extreme fatigue and soreness today from the doctor's visit she had yesterday. Alot of the drainage that was coming out of that Jackson Pratt they removed is collected in my upper leg, abdomin, and pelvic area. It's not painful, it just makes me feel nauseaus (ok, there's no way that's spelled right) and miserable. Plus my side is so sore from her pulling it out, and my foot is swollen, so I'm totally reliant on my crutches today.


Whaaaa!
I'm such a little bi-otch sometime, crying like this, but I'm hoping just admitting all of this will help me move on.

I know I can handle it, it's just a couple of low blows today. I tell myself, hey, it's okay to feel sad and worn out like this when something happens; and, it's true. I'm working on being proactive and heading feeling depressed off at the pass. I miss stuff just like putting on normal clothes (I mean, the lymph nads are great, but I miss my cute clothes). But in all honesty, I know the good outweighs the bad by tons, and in the end, I will have learned from this and will be a better, stronger person for the journey.
Some call it insanity, I call it thinking. :)

On the upside, Hammer took me to Target today and I got to ride the Lark. That's quality stuff, that little scooter and me ridin through the store. It made being a crip all worth it!

:)

More Pathology Reports (w/pic)

1st doctor's appointment after the surgery was today, and it was good to give the doctor and my nurse thank you's: they've been so unbelivably awesome to me. They removed one of the Jackson-Pratt drains which was good- it feels so much better now, even though Bobby almost passed out watching them take it out. Also they took off the dressing and I got to see the foot for the first time- it looks funny missing a toe, like I'm a mutant or something, but F**k IT- I think it looks cool.

It's so good to be over the operation and on the way to recovery. There's almost 60 staples from where they removed all my lymph nodes, and they're still not ready to come out, the staples that is. Maybe Monday. BUT THE BEST NEWS was the Pathology report - out of the 16 lymph nodes they removed, only ONE was positive for cancer. Amped! and can't even believe every day what a lucky girl I am!

Looking forward to meeting & seeing my oncologist and getting started on the interferon- alpha. I'M GONNA KNOCK THAT SHEE-ITE OUT! Some of the drug companies and non-profits seem like they might come through for grants on the meds, so I'm hoping to be good there. It's been a really good day.

A hard hit from Reality. Melanoma sucks donkey balls.

So I knew this day was coming... but my job called today and they're replacing me. As I said, I knew it was coming, but it's different when they really tell you. I loved my job. I loved helping people, meeting people, making people feel better. But Dr. Noor was so sweet, and said they would love to continue covering for me, but even after surgery, I still won't be able to return to work b/c I can't work around sick people while I'm doing the chemo treatment; it's just too risky. My white cell count will be so low, I'll be at risk for too many things, and it'll be life-threatening to even try.

I feel lucky to even know these doctors, and they continue still to do things for me like set me up with oncologists. And really what can I say except that I can only learn from this feeling that I have that I'm missing out on something I loved doing. Really loved doing. I guess the lesson is that I need to really enjoy moments when I am doing the things I LOVE to do, and I am glad to learn this lesson today. Every moment needs to be a THIS IS IT! moment, and that means even this moment I am in right now. This very moment, I am appreciating how lucky I've been thus far, and how much worse things could truly be.

Baby steps

Back in my room! Had to be camped out in the living room the last few days b/c I couldn't make it up the stairs. My foot feels awesome, so much better than I thought it would by this time, and I'm really feeling strong again. Having my privacy back and being able to do those little things like wash myself- THE SIMPLE THINGS that I took for granted in day to day life that I SO appreciate now. It makes me smile to think about how good I really have it.