Are you exercising your appreciation muscle?

Probably my biggest goal for myself is to accept the things I cannot change.  On one hand, I must give myself credit for how far I have come, and on the other hand, I have to think about how often I get angry and up in arms about the things I cannot change.  Always in progress, always complete.

I'm reminded a great deal of the four noble truths: the very nature of life is suffering, suffering is caused to our attachments- and probably attachments to how we think things "should be."  There is a way to extinguish the suffering, and the suffering and pain can even lead you to the love and liberation that you know is possible.

Pretty awesome to think of that.  So I'm going to present a challenge to you that I have already presented to myself.  For today, be your own best friend and say all the compassionate and kind things to yourself that you wish others would say.  In doing so, the loving kindness you create will help you to accept the things you cannot change.
As Jill Bolte Taylor said, enlightenment is a thought away.  And it is your choice.  Love that!

-MM

Exciting Stuff!

New Melanoma Treatment Approved by FDA

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Thirteen years of waiting is now over for melanoma patients. That’s how long it’s been since the last therapy became available to treat the most lethal form of skin cancer – melanoma.  The FDA today announced approval of Yervoy, an immunotherapy treatment for advanced melanoma.   

The drug will be used to treat melanoma patients whose cancer has spread to other parts of the body.  It is the first approved drug that has extended the lives of patients with advanced melanoma. 

“This is a critical breakthrough for advanced-stage melanoma patients who have far too few approved treatment options available,” said Timothy J. Turnham, the executive director of the Melanoma Research Foundation (MRF).  “Patients have been waiting for a life-changing innovation like this one and news of the approval has galvanized the patient community.” --- From the Melanoma Research Foundation Press Release

PRINCETON, N.J.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Bristol-Myers Squibb Company (NYSE: BMY) today announced that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved YERVOY™ (ipilimumab) 3 mg/kg for the treatment of patients with unresectable (inoperable) or metastatic melanoma. YERVOY is the first and only therapy for unresectable or metastatic melanoma to demonstrate a significant improvement in overall survival based on results from a pivotal randomized, double-blind Phase 3 study.  ----Bristol-Myers Squibb Press Release

Ups and downs

I remember when my weeks were filled with a different doctor's appointment every day, when my job was to do my treatment and to be at the right waiting room at the right time.  I remember the hours of sitting and thinking, too drugged to read or follow a tv show, too tired to care how the 30 minute fiasco ended.  I remember thinking how lucky I'd been just to be able to walk around at one point in my life NOT attached to an i.v. pole, and how mad I was at myself that I had not appreciated it.  
I remember the exhaustion of just making the decision to get out of bed that day, the shooting pain in my heels as I walked to the bathroom each morning.  I remember the nausea and the fatigue and the hell I thought I'd never get through.  I remember a year of treatment turning into 3 years of recovery.

Five years later, I have a job that I (mostly) love, where I spend way too much time.  I work out almost every day again, have hobbies, stay too busy, paint, read, travel, see my friends often, and have cocktails over lots of laughs.  Daily, I am finding myself doing things I used to miss doing- running, dancing, shopping, playing, wearing awesome clothes, and going out with friends.

And so to see my friends with my same disease go through hell, retreat back to a life of endless scripts and pharmacies, tests, phone calls, exams and treatments, decisions about chemo and surgery and radiation and clinical trials- it's sometimes too much to have to process.

And so I dedicate this to my peeps still going through it all and those that I don't even know who are fighting the same battle, too.  I lift you up with waves of peaceful thoughts.  I send healing vibes your way.

And I cherish my seconds, my minutes, and my days of freedom in honor of you.



-MM

feeling idealistic today

Crazy Cat Lady

My cat is awesome.

Building Castles in the Sky

"The hardest thing in life, is letting go of what you thought was real."
~ Author Unknown ~


What do I really want to do with the rest of my life? Live out loud.  Suck the marrow out of life.  To totally think about what new risk I'm going to take every day, to want to live in new situations all the time,  to try new things (which means that I can't just do the old things), to risk making a mistake.  Or mistakes.  (Big ones!)  To be rejected and live through it and realize it's not that big of a deal.   To realize where I really am, without any fibs or guilt or rose-colored perceptions.  And to realize, as I'm doing it, that I had been making mistakes and learning new things the whole time.  To be free to fail. And to fail!  And be okay with failing! And to embrace every breath-taking moment. 


-MM

Such an Awesome Weekend!

Consisting of...

sleeping most of the day

dinner with girlfriends

Birthday celebration for Bobby

delicious birthday lunch

cat naps

hanging out

and celebrating another year of being with my love!

-MM

Saying good-bye

I find it so hard to write about my friends that have passed away.  As time has passed since my own cancer diagnosis, I have grown into my way of dealing with these losses, and it is often a very private and guarded process.  After so many losses, its an even sadder affair.  I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but since I started this blog I've lost something like 30 friends.  It's enough to leave you speechless.
But I must say I feel like I should tell you about how great they were.


Did you know JB?  He's a fellow melanoma survivor that passed away on February 3rd.  One of the things that was awesome about JB was that he could make you see what he was seeing and (almost) feel what he was feeling.  Here's a short example from one of his post this last summer:

"Today, I was given my discharge paperwork from the hospital. Discharge from the hospital is almost always an enjoyable time for me; it means that which brought me into the medical system has been addressed and that my doctors feel that I am ready to recover further, and better at home. It is generally the time for IV lines to be pulled out of veins and tape pulled off of itchy flesh; a moment for quick goodbyes to noisy beeping machines, frequent human grunts of pain, odors of cleaning products mixed with urine, as well as grateful nods to the medical staff that have looked after me for days."


He was just really good like that.  There were a million good things about him: his wit, his honesty, the way he wrote about his cat, his infinite humor, the fact that he loved Margaret Cho, his political views, the way he wrote about his partner Jason, the photos he took of food from his garden, his views on science, his sincerity.... I could go on and on and on.  He was just an awesome person, and I felt lucky for knowing him every time we communicated.  

It's strange to me that write this at a stage in my life where I no longer associate death with guilt.  It's quite liberating; and for that, I have to thank Linda.  
I guess the guilt all started with my Dad, who I felt hadn't communicated with me during his illness.  And then I had hesitated to see him when I knew I shouldn't have been hesitating.  And then there was more drama than any trailer park family should ever have at the funeral.  THE FUNERAL.  Are you kidding me.  And blah blah blah, 5 years later and every time someone passed away, I was feeling guilt.  It was like it was the only way to experience it.  


Then Linda got sick, and told me before she got near the end that, no matter what happened through her illness, she knew I wanted to be with her.  And she asked to be buried in the hat I made her. It was like she cleared up all my death-guilt issues right then.  An extraordinary lady indeed.  

When I got up on the morning of the 3rd, I read this quote on Facebook: 
"Old friends pass away, new friends appear.  It is just like the days.  An old day passes, a new day arrives.  The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend- or a meaningful day." - His Holiness the Dalai Lama 

I know that's true, but it's just difficult to change sometimes, especially with such good friends. I don't want them to be gone.  


I don't want to think about the fact that they were here one day, and the next they were not.     Part of the process, I guess.  And I must admit in spite of that, I do feel blessed.  The ephemeral nature of life, and friends, makes them all the more valuable.  


-MM

Freakin awesome

And so true!
-MM

Dear Blog Commenters,

You are the best.  You need to know this.  Sometimes when I read your comments, my eyes well up with tears, and I think it's because I feel simultaneous: a) loved b) supported and c) perhaps most importantly- understood. I'm having one of those, "the internet has connected me to so many incredible people" moments.  But also one of those, "the friends and loved ones in my lfie are super sweet about following my blog" moments.

I love you for caring enough to comment!

-MM

p.s. You rock.

Inspiration

You don't even have to wait.

Terrifying Yoga Epiphany of the Week

That's right- I am bigger than the life I'm living.

With every happy feeling I get in yoga, I see another area of my life that I need to grow. I've realized that I've been living in a box, trying not to come out for fear of scary stuff happening to me. Scary stuff like what's happened before- scary stuff like failure and judgment and heartbreak and cancer and losing family and loved ones. Scary stuff that seemed to have engulfed me a few years ago.

I remember a time when I had mentioned something to a friend about a crazy incident and she said to me, "You've never said ANYTHING scares you. I thought you were fearless." The rational part of me thought about how ridiculous that was. No one is truly fearless.

But looking back- what a way to live. Fearlessly. I

really remember that day and thinking about being perceived as fearless. And I remember who I was back then. I wasn't afraid to talk to strangers or try new things or show up places that I'd never been before. I had a faith in myself that I could do anything.

Nothing was off limits. I had faith that the thoughts I created in my head about how frightening things could be were way more terrifying than anything I'd actually have to live through.

And that's just not me anymore.

I have been humbled by life, humbled by pain, humbled by my body's limits. Humbled by cancer and the everyday turns of life. And yes, humbled by fear.

A friend's chat message bubble pops up on FB and I panic, thinking to myself, "omg, what am I going to say?" as if it's a job interview and this is my only chance to impress them. I don't drive at night much. I force myself to carry mace. I avoid making relationships because I know how easily they can fall

apart.

I see old pictures and wonder what I did to make that Lori go away.

On the other hand, I don't blame myself too badly. It's been a stressful few years. I'm 6 years out of a cancer prognosis that was less than encouraging, and it's only normal for me to need some time to

heal. I've been accused of having PTSD, and I don't doubt that I suffered from that at one point. I feel ok though, like I've grown some, and don't have to live that life of constant fear anymore. When I get a headache, I no longer worry about it being brain mets. (lol) And in the destruction that cancer can bring I realize that relationships can fall apart. Sides that you've never seen to people open up. Things change. In the aftermath of whatever happens, you cling to yourself and you hold on. Primal protective urges take over. People that meant something to you before become ghosts that haunt the spaces they used to fill.

So it's 6 years out, and I realize that I think almost every day about people that are no longer in my life much anymore.

Practicing yoga today, on the exhale of a downward-facing dog, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

It's time to let go.

What is it about letting go that is also so scary? And so sad? I assume it's just the familiar that is hard to let go of. Even if the familiar still sucks.

Today I start a whole new life. People around me tell me "Own it! This is yours!"

I have no idea how to do that, and I say that I'll fake it in the meantime.

"No faking it! You can do this!" they say. There is love in their words.

I don't believe them at all. I have anxiety about even being able to pull off the faking it. I realize that my faith in my ability is almost totally gone.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe this is rock bottom, and I have to

crawl back up from here. Maybe this is where I find myself again and find out that even being so incredibly human, I can succeed.

So today- again, for the millionth time- today is a big, new exciting step.

I've always dreamed of bigger, better things. Now that it's happening, I'm scared as hell.

I think that's ok. :)

I think the point is having enough faith to see if I can do it again. I'm 36 years old, and starting all over. This time, I do it not so fearlessly. I have no idea how to do this.

But I'm still doing it.

-MM

Weekend Update

What up what up internet dogs. That was me channeling a fifth grader just now, sorry.

Life is good. I seem to be chugging along in school, and just like last year I'm surprised that it's already the new year. Not sure how many days it is until TAKS, but I know it's not many.

Overall so far this year I've really felt good about work/life balance. Yay, me!

I've also been a lot happier with my

body lately. I think I should be thanking Geneen, my bestie Joy, and of course my loving and supportive Bobby. I jsut really have been laying off the hate-fest inside my head and allowing myself to be normal. It's like the craziest feeling ever. It's been almost a year since I've had any serious string of workouts (not counting yoga) because I really just got so tired of being in pain every day. And you know how that goes- you don't work out, so then you eat trash food, too. Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean. Anyway, its been a year of not being too active about diet and exercise. And guess what? Not that much has changed. Sure, I'm not as firm as I was, and my skinny jeans don't fit (or my semi-in-shape jeans, either), but I'm really pretty happy with my body just as it is. Now, finally, I feel like I can start building up from here. From my own personal experience, I think you have to love yourself when you're fat, or you'll never love yourself even if you're skinny. And I'm finally within reach of that.

Yoga is still going good. I really have to believe that yoga forced me to be in my body more, and that's why I am able to love it a little more, too. I think I am sorta addicted to yoga.

I catch myself all the time just moving into a yoga pose all the time- when I get tense or while I'm watching tv or after I roller skate. I think I've been doing it long enough now

(about 6 months) that I can tell which stuff I really like and which I find the least fun. I LOVE the balancing poses, for example. I can totally get lost in a balancing pose, and nothing exist outside of that moment. I've also been doing it long enough to know I need to accept that I'm just not in good enough shape to make it through the regular classes at YogaSport yet, even though I really love the place. So for now I'm doing my beginner Baron video at home and working on getting a bit more into shape so I can return without major headaches or other adverse affects. I still heart yoga, and I think it'll always be a part of me from here on out. Btw, who knew you could carry so much tension in your hips! And hips don't lie!

Besides that, I'm loving my school year and loving my work family. It's pretty awesome how I've gathered a small group of reliable peeps over the last 5 years. It makes work so much easier when you have people going through it all with you. I've been dragging up a lot of old shames with friends from the past, and am realizing that I'm still dealing with some of that. All in good time, everything will be cool in the end.

Wish me luck this week! I've got big exciting stuff coming up. Eek! So nervous. But excited too. :)

-MM

A Box of Crazy

Like all chics, I love, love, love the holidays. And in the fall, you get the 4 best holidays of all time in order- each a little better than the last. (*insert warm fuzzy feeling here*)

Despite being super duper broke right now and being a single car family, I feel relatively awesome. The stress has been high, but I've been blowing off a lot of steam with friends and trying to pull myself out of my slump with new interests. My friends have been awesome- I had so much fun hanging out with them this week. Omg I had almost forgotten how fun college was until Friday night.

We just cut loose and acted like idiots. Total, total, total success in wiping out stress. Next event: Snuggie Pub Crawl.

For Christmas this year I want Santa to teach me to skate. Recently I've

become obsessed with roller derby, which you should check out. The chics are so ferociously killer. And so confident in their own skin. I love that about them. So killer.

So maybe that would be a good way to become more active again. Sometime last spring I just decided that I was tired of being in pain and that I just wasn't going to do anything that was going to make me hurt anymore. Besides yoga (which does make me hurt but is awesome anyway), I've

done minimal exercise. That has

worked out pretty well besides like 8 pounds I've gained since then. I know- it's tragic, but what do you do? I've already made the big mistake and the only thing left to do is get back on the wagon.

I found a chronic pain/fatigue "graded exercise schedule" that I'm going to try out to ease back into it. I'll let you know how it goes.

And if that wasn't awesome enough, I left you a video, too, of beautiful San Diego footage. Geesh you're having a great day!

-MM

P.S.- Have you watched the Gene Simmons tv show? I just love his kids. They are too sweet. Seriously.

Locally Sponsored Reading Rainbow Message

This is my buddy, Jordi. He wants to tell you about Geneen Roth. You know her as the author that I'm currently in love with.

But let me start by saying that the last 2 weeks have been chock full of nuts. I had like the best birfday ever! And turning 36 was fun, fun, fun! Both of our cars have broken down, leading to a big $5k in bills. I've actual traveled a bit for work, which has never happened before, and even though it was just down the road a bit, it was exciting and a bit heavy. I LOVE what was brought back from those trainings, but I sorta went into overload trying to make sure I implement it in my classroom. I fell behind on other stuff- cleaning, bills, extra stuff at work, working out, buying food at the farmer's market instead of the grocery store, yoga. And when yoga falls off the list of things to do, so does taking care of myself.

But wait- do you hear that? The sound of Thanksgiving vacation? Ahhhh, it is upon us. A breath of space and relaxation. Mmmmmm.

So I'm back with Geneen. We're going to send the day together today. I'm going to lay in bed and read until I take the time to love myself again. teehee

So yeah, life is crazy sometimes. I find myself saying that WAY too much, and I'm in the stage of fixing it where I am just realizing the size of the problem. So give me some time on this. On the other hand, it's kinda exciting to see where this will take me in life (and when). I feel like I'm in a transitional phase into something really good. So yay! For example, I realized, while walking my dog this morning (at 8:30 a.m! [On weekends we take long walks. She brings me the leash and sits by the bed, whining, until I get up. It's the cutest thing you've ever seen.]), that all through my childhood I was told, "Do it right or not at all" and that's exactly what I've done. That old thought has been rattling around in my brain for like 25 years! Holy moly, how did I not even realize how much I was listening to it? If I can't work out 3 times week, I don't do it at all. If I gain 5 pounds, I'm the biggest loser on Earth. Geesh. That's a crazy way to think.

So, that was a long post to just say you should read more books. Haha, just kidding. Love yourselves people!

-MM

My advice to me today (and also you, if you want it)

Show yourself, every day, that you are worthy of love, by committing to the decision to make yourself a better person.

"It takes great effort to be effortless about anything." -Geneen Roth

-MM

Happiness is a sunning turtle

Here's something you may not know about me: I love turtles. As a teacher, I have 2 in my classroom (and one "free range" turtle- don't ask), and they are just the best. The kids love them and learn a lot (about science and also general life skills) just by being about them, and also they are great company for me and keep me super chilled.

And so I'm here to tell you that in the 2 weeks since my migraine post, I have done a good job of taking care of

myself. I am spending a lot less time at work. It feels great to experience this, because not only a.) do I feel so much more relaxed and enjoy the space in my life, but b.) I really believed in myself and knew that I could do it if I put my mind to it.

So yay for free time!

Next order of business: fill the free

time with things I enjoy other than naps and hot baths. Things I love like yoga and painting and boxing. Everything in moderation, and slow and steady wins the race. So yay turtles!

-MM

Run away with me, Geneen Roth

I'm reading the most amazing book right now- one of those books that I force myself to put down because I love to have a new page to read every so often. Just had to share a quote with you (and a video to boot)! These words ring so true to me.

-MM

"When you believe without knowing you believe that you are damaged at your core, you also believe that you need to hide that damage for anyone to love you. You walk around ashamed of being yourself. You try hard to make up for the way you look, walk, feel. Decisions are agonizing because if you, the person who makes the decision, is damaged, then how can you trust what you decide? You doubt your own impulses so you become masterful at looking outside yourself for comfort. You become an expert at finding experts and programs, at striving and trying hard and then harder to change yourself, but this process only reaffirms what you already believe about yourself- that your needs and choices cannot be trusted, and left to your own devices you are out of control...

You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved. But you won't discover this until you are willing to stop banging your head against the wall of shaming and caging and fearing yourself. The Sufi poet Rumi, writing about birds learning to fly, wrote: "How do they learn it? They fall, and falling, they're given wings." -Geneen Roth, Women, Food and God

I want to know someone who owns this t-shirt

In your face (well, more like in my face, actually)

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness." - Eckhart Tolle

I have this quote posted in my room, and I stared at it a lot this weekend. Over the last 3 days as I've laid in bed, it's been like a neon sign to me, forcing me to think about what I'm doing with myself right now.

This is day 9 of this particular migraine. When I write that, I have to think about that quote. It's been so long since I've had a migraine for more than a couple of days, I have to take

responsibility for this. I'm obviously doing something wrong.

I'm taking on too much stress. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm not letting myself rest when I'm sick or when I'm tired. My goal is to be connected to the Source every minute of every day, but it's been weeks since I've felt that way even for a second.

But I'm learning. I'm doing better today than I was yesterday.

And I'm alive. So there's still another chance, right?

Any advice?

-MM