Walking through the Spider Webs

Some times I come here and have so much to say, but stop myself because what if it offends this person or that person, or what if people don't agree or whatever. And then I thought, do those people even read this blog?  Probably not. lol And today I'm in one of those writing moods, and feeling honest, and feeling like clearing out the cobwebs in my head.

I've written about this before, so some of you may know already about my past.  But my whole life, even from the time I was a little kid, it was really clear to me that the way that I could be loved and accepted would be to make sure that I needed as little attention as possible.  Be independent.  Don't require the attention or affection of anyone. Make your own food, and stay out of the way.  Lots of kids of alcoholics have this trait.... it's actually called co-dependence, because you learn that you cannot be happy unless the person you count on can be made happy.  So you do everything you can to make sure the people around you are happy, because that's how you get to be happy.  Completely disfunctional, of course, but it happens.
Doing that, I surrounded myself with a lot of selfish people far into my adulthood- people that I loved to make happy so that I could be happy. I threw parties for big events of friends, expecting that they would do the same for me.  I allowed boyfriends to put their careers before me, assuming if I ever asked to be a priority, then I would be.  I allowed people to put me last on their list, thinking that even if they only had a little time for me, I was lucky to get that.

And for a long, long time, that actually kind of worked.  I knew I wasn't happy, but I was a people pleaser.  Pleasing my dad, pleasing my teachers, pleasing my ex's, pleasing my friends.  Please don't get me wrong- I wasn't a great person or anything.  In fact, I was so hollow and empty, I was a bitter mess, angry that I couldn't suck my happiness from others.  Angry that I never got the parties, and that I wasn't a priority even when I asked my boyfriend.  Angry that I would wait for friends to come by on the holidays, but they never made it by.  Angry that I had no love for myself.  No life for myself.

I learned a lot from the women around me early in my adulthood, especially the women at the rec center where I worked.  I saw from them how to stand up for yourself, how to give tough love to kids to push them to their full potential, how to love yourself first.  And the kids I worked with there- I learned that it was okay to give so much of myself to them. And in that, I found my passion.  And my career.

But do you know what pushed me the last little bit to say, "no more?" To end those last few relationships that   didn't serve me, didn't grow me, and brought so little joy?   My back injury.  It was the first week, after laying in my bed, in my room, thinking, in the silence..... just evaluating my life.  What had I done? "I could be dead right now.  My doctor gave me 5 years, and here I am, 8 years later, and what am I doing?  Living my dream?  Or living dissatisfied? Living with people that put me first the way I put them first, or being second to other's whims? Fulfilled, or drained? Happy, or just content?  Satisfied, or just status quo?"

And that was it.  To be honest, I was surprised when I said my needs at the ones who who stood by me and who didn't.  And of course, I made huge mistakes in trying to find my own life, but I will not say that have I regrets.  When I look myself in the mirror now, I know I am taking care of myself.  Asking for what I want.  And walking away when it no longer brings me happiness, peace, love or joy.  Do I miss the people that were once in my life?  Of course.  I cry when I look at pictures.  I am sad when I think about the fun times.  I'm distraught that they picked so many things to put in front of me, or were so absorbed in themselves, when I really believed that I was important to them.  And I'm sure I didn't handle it all so gracefully as I sound now.   But there is emptiness when this happens..... emptiness that is filled with possibilities. And of course there is still a huge part of me that doubts that I deserve to have parties like the ones I threw for other people, and I feel shameful for thinking I deserve more attention than my boyfriend's favorite hobby.  And I feel guilty for wanting old pals to set aside alone time just for me.


But I guess the real question is: did I ever do that much for them, anyway?  Obviously not.... obviously I was not fulfilling them, or they never would've let me walk away.  And was I really being fulfilled by them, anyway?  No.  So many times, these things just naturally work themselves out.... we drift away from each other, and we fight and cry because it's over, but when it's over, if you both won't fight for your relationship, then one of you is not going to be able to carry the both of you through it.  And in another way, I'm happy that I do not allow myself to be the victim anymore.  This is my life, and if I want happiness, I have to make changes, do what I need, and, even with tears still in my eyes at times, move forward.  Because people's actions speak so much louder than words, and I want my actions to say that I love myself.  And I hope that your actions to say the same. :)

-MM

The Mirror has Two Faces (hehe)

This may be the longest break I have ever taken from writing on this blog, and that's totally my bad.  I could give you the usual run-around about checking out of my life, but you're probably here reading this to hear how I'm doing now.  So here goes.

Lately I've been looking in the mirror and feeling really different about what I see.  I feel like a different woman inside than I did a year ago.  I feel lighter, and taller, stronger, brighter and happier, and I feel like I look different, too.

I feel like for the first time maybe, I took a huge risk and it was totally the right thing to do.  I feel successful, and lucky, and really free.  I think that's the word that expresses it the best: free.  Like anything is possible, and I might even get what I go after.  It's crazy, really.... I feel incredibly blessed.

And that's led to a little more confidence about making other decisions.  I'm at a place in my life that I honestly never thought I'd get to, but I'm very happy being here.  And I'm starting to see what's important to me, and what's not- and what I'm worth.  It's totally different than I thought it would be. It's more comfortable than I imagined it could be. And I don't feel like a bundle of raw nerves anymore.  I feel free to try things and free to fail, and free to relax and be myself. I think it's because I'm being seen for the first time. It's amazing to be appreciated for my presence.  I'm so thankful for that experience.

I know all that if vague, but it's the truth.  And I'll try nail it down a little better next time.  Until then, I hope you're feeling as free as I am.

:)
MM

Like Whoa

It has been a crazy couple of months, and it's strange to look back at this blog and see that my last post at the beginning of August and the disarray my life appeared to be then.

And here we are in October. School is in full swing and is as crazy as ever. There have been a lot of management changes in my district and we have all been affected.  Teachers more than anyone, but everyone is on edge and it seems like people who you never would've guessed are biting everyone's heads off.  Luckily, there is a small group of us that are still friends and close, and I really believe that we are all getting through this only because we have each other.

But it's only 29 more weeks, right?

To add insult to injury, I've recently been accused of something at work (that was later found to be a lie), and I was quite shaken by that.  The whole incident made me realize what a huge part of my life my job and my students are, and I have a new found appreciation for work.  Even though this year is a complete beat-down. lol


As for me..... wow, I don't know where to begin.  Every second I have to myself seems like a treasure- I love having my own life and my own time.  I no longer feel lonely when I am stuck at home alone.  In fact, it's more welcome than ever, even when I was unhappy and my alone time was a solace to me.  My personal life is a bit strange.  I know now how married to my job I am, and it's as big a struggle as it has always been.  But things are certainly different this year.  Better.  Like way better.  Even though I feel like I'm watching something (my school) be dissected and sewn randomly back together, and am stressed beyond belief about that, I've somehow managed to leave it at school so far.  Most of the time.  Ok, some of the time.


My personal life has taken a completely different turn.  I don't want to say too much about it, but let's just say that I've had an astonishing epiphany.  I'm happy.  I'm sure I will have my ups and downs as I've always had, but I starting to see my life for what it is, and it's pretty damn good.  I don't know really what else to say besides that, but I'm finally kinda living the life of my dreams.  That sounds so insane to say that.... just a few months ago I felt like I'd never find happiness.  I felt like I'd made the worst mistake of my life.  And now, here it is October- Halloween is coming, fall is upon us with it's coziness, and I have new reasons to wake up  happy every day.

Hope everything is wonderful with you.


-MM

Sacred, by Suzanne Falter Barns

You are divine.

Perhaps in the flow of your life you've forgotten this.

You are a sacred child ... one who makes mistakes, and then gets up again - although it seemed like a good idea at one point to stay curled up forever.

You are bliss incarnate.

Have you forgotten?

You are every single person you touch, inside and out.

You know their pain, their resistance, their upsets, their longings.

Yes, you really do know this.

Intimately.

And with this knowledge you can be of truest service to the world.

By holding yourself in the deepest embrace ...

By holding every single scrape you have endured, every tender place that has been bruised again and again.

Love every deep fold of your soul.

Particularly those places you have been afraid to even know.

Now is the time to drink in your essence

For that is where you will find your greatest love.



By Suzanne Falter Barns

Brand new day

The 5 stages of grief are:

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Last night's post was obviously from the depression stage. haha Whoa, what a downer.  

I'm noticing I'm moving in and out of the last three stages pretty regularly almost every day.  I miss the way things used to be, then I think what if I had only done this? or what if that woulda happened?  And then of course there are moments when I'm really happy and pleased with my progress, and excited about my life.    

It's all normal.  I feel really good right now, I feel like I've achieved a little closure.  Things happen for a reason and I can see those reasons really clearly.  I deserve good things, and I made a decision to change my life so that I could get those good things.  There are parts of me that are angry for going so long and not doing anything to fix it, but then I remember everything is as it should be.  And I'm ok.  

Sitting here, feeling better, but still crying as I type, I randomly heard from two people from my past that had wonderful words to lift me up. 

There seriously are no coincidences.  

Sending thanks to the universe that is watching over me. 

-MM

Hard and Cold

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They say you should never ask a scorpio a question unless you want to hear the truth.  Because a scorpio will tell you, even if you can't handle it.  And I'm going to tell you the truth right now, even though I can barely handle it.

Lately, every day seems a little better than the last.  And these days, I'm extremely happy at least once a day.    That's a big deal.  I mean, when was the last time you were like extremely happy??? Exactly.  So things are getting better.  Every day, a little better.  And most days I don't cry.

 But I do have bad days.  Bad days that are getting to be fewer and further between, but still- they are bad.  On those days I  usually spend a few hours crying because I'm just so damn sad.  I'm sad.  I don't know how else to say it.  I'm really effin sad.  I think the sadness started with my back problems, and the sadness led me down a path where I became just way more conscious of my life, in general.  And I think that led to a lot of changes.  And I loved my life.  I loved the people in my life and the way I felt and there were a million tiny things I was thankful for every single day.  And I was really happy. 

 But there was a voice inside me, in the middle of the night that kept nudging me, and for a long time, I didn't know why. And I didn't know what it said.  But when I finally heard it, it didn't say what I thought it would.  It said something like,  I am miraculous.  Something like that.  Something that when you hear it, you immediately laugh because there is nothing that could be less true.  But that's what it said.  And it meant it.  And it didn't have anything to do with anyone else. It didn't mean anything about anyone else, it was just there, hanging heavy in the darkness.  It's true, it would say, a literal miracle.  

 And so, like a toddler learning to walk, I tried my new legs. Tried to listen to the voice, and live my life like it was a miracle.  But I didn't even know how, or why even.  Or who that person was.  I couldn't imagine leaving my wonderful life for something that I couldn't even comprehend.  And so I decided that the best I could do is just try.  Just try and freaking fall on my face as a failure doing it, but try.  So I got up one day and I lived my life like I thought a miracle would. I lived it like I only had weeks to live.  And it betrayed so much of who I was, but I knew it was a closer life to a miracle than not.




What you probably don't realize about me is that I'm kind of a loser.  And multiple people have tried to tell me this through my life- that I mess things up when I'm in a good situation. And so I continued my lifelong pattern of screwing up the best things that happen to me, and  I was clumsy with words I'd never wanted to use and feelings I didn't understand.  I'm an idiot.  Like I said though, I decided that the best I could do is just try.  Trying led me to situations I don't think I'd ever been in before, and to emotions that spanned from the depths of places I never thought I'd go to complete elation.  It was like a sound wave when the volume rises, stretching and swelling at both ends of the spectrum.  Feelings I hadn't had in years rang through me.  And even though I did the best I could, I failed majorly sometimes. I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry that I reacted with emotions I was forcing myself to feel. They were there, and I honest to God did the best I knew how.  Of course I would do things differently if I could do them over.  But I accept my failures.  


And if that makes me a terrible person in your eyes, then I humbly accept your opinion, but I disagree. 

I loved my beautiful life.  It's gone forever, and I miss it every day. 


And my life had absolutely nothing to do with me being an idiot.  It was an innocent bystander.  And I'm sorry for that.  I put my own needs above everything else.  And I'm not going to apologize about it forever, because, like I said, I'm sorry, it had nothing to do with anything else, and I did the best with what I had.  I'm done with the shame and hating myself for my mistakes.


So basically, here I am.  In this moment.  I realize that I chose this crazy, chaotic, insane, scary, unstable life over the amazing one I had before. 


But  I'm ok.  I'm better.  Let's just say I've moved from being an emotional toddler to a kindergartner.  So I'm still pissing my pants, but I've gained some skills in learning to live a life as if it is a miracle.  It's not easy.  It doesn't even feel worth it right now.  But the voice says it WILL be worth it.  So I'm sticking with it.  And hoping for miracles. I don't think I'll be disappointed. :)




-MM

The Journey, by Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Blessed

 There is nothing more humbling than chaos in your life.  Or debilitating sadness.  Starting over after so long with so little faith in yourself.  Or regret.  

But today there was sunshine and hope, and I made a list of things I have to be thankful for.... 
I'll share it with you.  :)

1. I'm cancer free and alive and able to do things I've always dreamed of.

2. I have an amazing group of friends that keep me sane and happy.

3. I have the best dog on Earth. Sounds silly, but it's true.  And it is practically IMPOSSIBLE to be sad around her. 

4. I have food, a car, a place to live, and clothes to wear. 

5. I am in very little pain these days and am almost completely off pain meds. 

6. The people in my life that love me TRULY love me.  They bless me with their love. 


7. I have wonderful doctors that I love and trust.

8. I am able to support myself.

9. I love my job.

10. I wasn't happy before, and I made difficult, painful decisions to do things so that I could be happy.  I am happier today.  I am building a life I can be proud of.  

-MM

I'm Understanding More

Please keep me in your prayers.  I am fragile, but growing.

-MM

Best day of my Life

I don't really know where any of this is going.... so you guys are just gonna get "train of thought" writing today.

Today I feel empty, disconnected, hurt.  I've been thinking a lot of my own importance or lack thereof.
There is a huge realization that I have filled my life, from a very early age, with people that put their own needs before mine.  And the strangest thing I can say about that is that it never really seemed that weird.  It was what I expected, and perhaps even needed.

And here I am, 37, looking back, and being so angry with myself for not demanding more.  Today, finally, I am worthy of all the things everyone else is.


  Just recently I have, maybe for the first time in my life, seen myself in someone else's eyes- someone who I think may have valued my needs even higher than their own.  The conversation made me want to run back to all the people in my life and say, "look!  I've figured it out!  All you have to do is give in to some of the things I want, and then we can all be happier."  But it's like that scene in movies when the music comes to a screeching halt and all I could hear were crickets.  I waited for their response.  I waited for a realization.  And then it dawned on me, and my jaw dropped.  They are more important than me.  At least to themselves.  Even though I've given in a thousand times, talked myself into living a subpar life at times to keep them happy, my request flabbergasts them.  They're appalled.  They throw their hands in the air and begin ranting.  How dare I.

The biggest consolation is the emptiness inside me, because in the middle of the night, diving into that abyss, I find that it is not emptiness at all.  It is simply space.  I don't know what the space is for, but I pray it's for new feelings of gratitude. For opportunity.  For the future.  And for ME.

And so I guess, believe it or not, according to my favorite quote, today is the best day of my life.

-MM

Truth Be Told

It's been a long time since I've posted, and there's so much to tell you that it would be easier to talk about the things that haven't changed in my life than what has.

That's a whole lotta change.

But tonight instead of thinking of change, I'm thinking of people.  People in my life.   The ones who have entered and left over the years.  The ones who dropped out and the ones who came back.  The ones like family.  The ones who look you in the eye and make you feel like you can be better just because of the way they see you.  The ones who are all locked up inside themselves.  I think people are the most fascinating creatures, because even the predictable ones will surprise you.

Strange situations are around me, and I have actually chosen to try and be the bigger person.  I may not succeed, but I am trying. Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like growth.  It feels like hurt.  It feels like disappointment and disdain and frustration and salty tears.  So what I'm thinking about tonight is not change, but people. And how disappointing we all can be.  And petty.  And so darn unpredictable.  


But that's not what I should be thinking.  


What I should be thinking is: even if they never realize what they had, I'm here tonight loving the fact that I don't allow them to make me feel small anymore.  And that feels like growth I can actually be happy about.  


Enjoy yourself today.  You are special.  


And as big as the universe. 


-MM

Photo Sunday, slightly delayed

We're just skipping over the awkwardness of how I'm doing and going straight to photo Sunday.  And yes, it's Wednesday.


If you've read this blog at all, you know that I'm very anti-Dallas.

But I swear my little neighborhood, Deep Ellum, makes me feel like I could be anywhere- Austin, San Diego, Denver even maybe?  It's so angsty and anti-establishment it, even I feel like an artist.  :)

I've been doing pretty well with my required pt at home.  The walks are the hardest part, but I distract myself by trying to find cool little hidden niches.  This Sunday I decided to snap a few pics for you guys to get a healthy taste of the only acceptable place to live in Dallas.

Seems like you can hardly find a lamp post or street sign here that hasn't been defaced in some way.  The original art is always entertaining, but I have to admit that I have a thing for an appropriately placed sticker tarnishing a shiny new stop sign. :)

Band posters are ever intriguing to me, and you can find them everywhere in this area- a tribute to the streets that have been considered a musical hotspot in the South since the 1920's.  Those ghosts still haunt the area, and regardless of the ebbs and flows of popularity, the roots are deep and music venues monopolize the area. 

The other third of the businesses you'll see in Deep Ellum are tattoo parlors, much to my heart's delight.  In my mind, tattoos are closely linked to the kind of dissent that keeps a country honest with itself.  I saw a documentary some years ago (was it Sicko?), and I remember distinctly a woman from it saying, "In France, the government is afraid of the people.  In American, the people are afraid of the government."  I know that France earned that right with years and years of rebellion, which I hope America is on the cusp of.   

At least in my neighborhood, I feel like it could be a possibility. 

After walking around  for a while

and seeing so much cool art, 

I was inspired to take a few artsy photos of my own....

of the dog,

a cool old newspaper I found, 

even a sign that I found ironic. :)

 By the end, even the "Visit Myrtle Beach" sky-writing seemed like art. :)

-MM