Life is Too Short, and I don't mean this guy

I say it all the time, but evidently I'm the one who needs to hear it the most. Life is too short, people. In case you can't tell, this is all related to my last post, too.

I'm sure that some of you keep up with Dave and Tara, listed under "Fields Family Blog" in the melanoma/cancer links. Dave is a melanoma survivor who was first diagnosed in 1997. He makes it look easy, but he's had a long fight with this disease. Dave has been having a lot of weakness, numbness and pain, and so they've been running some test to find out if he has any new tumors on his spinal chord. But this last Tuesday Tara posted that they finally figured out where the pain was stemming from: lepto-meningeal disease, which is melanoma of the spinal fluid.

Obviously, they need your prayers and positive vibes. This is not the news that anyone had hoped for or expected. And, as always for this couple, they are handling it with grace and courage that simply astounds me. Here's a quote from their journal:

David and I talked about a lot of "what ifs" yesterday and he told me that I have to continue to be strong...so for him I will be! His body is so tired. He's been running a marathon with more hills than valleys and he's feeling the effects of it. It may seem strange, but I think we're at peace with whatever happens. Dave and I have always had the kind of relationship that we could talk to each other about anything and everything.
We're NOT losing hope, but we are definately coming to terms with the fact that melanoma may win the race, so yesterday we talked about a lot of his final wishes. These are conversations that no one should have, and yet I feel blessed to know what David would want. He is so proud of his children and is terrified that they may forget him if he "goes home" soon. I promised him that no matter what happens, Sam and Emma will hear about their dad in one way or another...
every day of their lives. So...if you have gotten to this point in the journal entry, I need you to do something for David. Please wirte (or send me through e-mail) something about Dave.

These two blow me away. So much hope and so much peace in a few short sentences.

If you keep up with the Fields', please take a moment to send them some loving words. They are an inspiration to follow and I know they'd appreciate it.

And you probably know about both Johnny Deep and Becky. They have both passed away from melanoma in July. Becky was amazing- a real fighter who had just about the most amazing positive attitude I've ever seen. In one of her last posts, she wrote, "If there is one thing that I have truly learned from all of this... it is... that people truly do hold great compassion and love in there hearts for one another." She leaves behind a beautiful daughter who is still blogging on her sight.

And then, of course, there was Johnny, who totally did things his way. He took melanoma on his terms and spent a good part of the last year of his life sailing, which is what he loved to do. I love the way Johnny never pandered to his feelings, and he made it clear how bad things sucked without apologizing for his words. But then he'd turn right around and make you laugh in the same breath. Less than a month before he died he decided he wanted a tattoo to commemorate the journey, which you can see here. He was truly one a of kind. When my time comes, I want to do things the way Johnny did. It makes me smile just thinking of it.

Everyone of those names listed under "In Memory Of" links is someone I have known in one way or another. All but 2 or 3 I knew personally and corresponded with during their treatment or my own. If you don't already know, I can't explain what it's like to lose so many people like that. So many people who truly touched my life.

Every one of them would tell me now to enjoy my life and not waste a single second trifling it away with stress and worry.



If this doesn't drive home the point, friends, then I don't know what does.

Four short years ago, I found out that I had only a 50% chance of living for five years. Having said that, I wouldn't change anything that I've done with or for these kids of mine or take back any of the hours I've devoted to this job, even when I was overdoing it. I mean, my students have been one of the biggest blessing of my entire life. So this isn't about regret. But it is time for me to work on a new chapter, in which I learn to do things both for myself and for others. In which I detach myself from the test results and instead focus on those things that I can control.

I think I threw myself into this job as a means of rehabilitating myself back to health and back to life, and it has served its purpose in that way. And now I am going to devote myself to being the best teacher I can be during my work hours (which will be less than 50 per week), while maintaining a balance for myself outside of those hours. I don't have to cling onto this exhausted teacher persona anymore. I am determined to define myself in new ways every day, including a determination with a new sense of balance. I am committing to that right now, and as an ultimatum, I am attaching to it the stipulation that I will leave my school at the end of the year if I am unable to do this.


This isn't about work, really. This is about life.
Life is too short.

And life is too good to miss out on.

-MM

P.s.- In case you need it,
token cheezburger cat cartoon in 3.... 2.... 1.....

This is the 8th attempt this week

It's not that I haven't been blogging, it's just that you haven't been reading my posts. Mainly because I haven't been publishing them. Bwahahahahaha! Too bad for you that you've missed out on all the witty, insightful posts I've been writing.

I got an email and phone call this morning from CBS evening news, peculiarly enough, and they were asking me if I'd be interested in being on the show tonight regarding the latest skin cancer research. At the time I didn't know what was going on, but it's great news! I really consider this a huge step that experts are finally printing conclusive evidence so people know just how dangerous tanning beds are! In case you haven't heard or read, you can see it here, but the article issues powerful warnings against tanning beds. Like serious warnings. Awesome! (Oprah voice)

Btw, did you recognize our little friend Paige from the Vans Warped Tour? If you don't recall you can re-read this post, where we were singing the praises of Paige and her people, Mole Mate, and the screening for skin cancer at the Warped Tour. Pretty small world, eh? (Btw, I ended up not being on the show because I've never used tanning beds.)



I've been doing a lot of tidying since my summer break started just 4 short weeks ago. I've cleaned out all the closet space that drives me crazy throughout the school year and done a thorough cleaning of the ware home, donated a ton of books and clothes and bags to Goodwill, and even took a load of boxes to school to do the same with my classroom. It feels good to sweep out all the dust bunnies and get stuff organized and dust free. My asthmatic boyfriend is especially a fan of this ritual.

You may be able to tell I've been tidying up a bit here, too, from the new look of the blog and the new sites I put up. I divided my commonly read blogs into 2 bits: the old schoolers that I still read almost everyday, and my new friends that I'm getting to know and love.
And yes, there are quite a few new person development sites I've added under the "Good Stuff to Check Out" section. This is just as much for me as it is for anybody else because, during this lovely little summer break, I've also been cleaning out my head. I realized that having quick and convenient access to these sites may help me keep focused and clear-headed about my goals for this year, and help me to keep the prize- living a functional and balanced life- in my eyes. This has been the best cleaning of all, and although I do this every summer, I think this year has been a real eye opener.

So much gets lost to me during work. I seem to lose sight of everything I want and need from a normal life for the sake of TAKS scores or essential science skills. I think we all know what the real problem is: I'm a teacher. Somehow because I work with the best kids on Earth (think Snapple for elementary schools), I somehow excuse myself from having any form of balance. At the lowest points, I get no sleep, work 15 hours a day, and eat crap food because I'm just trying to get by until high-stakes testing is over. Somehow I made up my mind that this is all ok. ...The hell?

Balance. That ever-illusive term which creates anxiety at the mere mention of it. Why? Because balance means having boundaries. Limits. And other words I learned in therapy.

What can I say? Balance has never been my strong suit. I have kinda always thrown myself into my job or warm-and-fuzzy projects that "make a difference." The thing is, my workaholism has started to affect other areas of my life, and it's time for a re-evaluation. My, Miss Melanoma, how very grown up of you. Oh, don't worry- I'm not that advanced yet, though flattered that you would assume so.
This was all brought on in full-on intervention style, courtesy of my loved ones.

And why not? I think it was way overdo for me to take an unflinchingly honest look at my lifestyle. I accept my job for it's craziness because I do work with kids, and I see it as a necessary evil that I just have to put up with for the sake of the kids.

But after 4 weeks of doing nothing but sleeping and rehabilitating myself from a punishing and grueling year, I still couldn't get myself to publish a blog post. My head was too muddled and cloudy to even consider the beginnings of sorting things out. I literally typed 7 pages of text before I even got to the beginnings of what I was trying to post here for you. All the rest was just the leftovers from exhaustion and confusion and stress. And that's when I realized why my friends had stepped in for an intervention: because I truly was unhealthy. I had let my job take over to the point where my quality of life was suffering.

Then I had one of those moments of clarity, when I thought about all the anger I've been carrying around about times when I needed people and they weren't there for me. All those hurt feelings I couldn't let go of because couldn't understand why this person or that person wasn't what I needed them to be. Hmm. Maybe the same reason I haven't been there for my peeps lately. Maybe because at times we are truly unable to be a good friend due to life's extenuating circumstances. And again I am humbled at my own in-competencies and critical judgments. The learning never ends!

I've got lots more to say but I think that I'll save it for the next post. Thanks to all of you who have been writing me and commenting and asking that I return to this blog. It is far from over between this blog and I. We had a brief falling out, and stopped talking for a while. She went through sort of a party phase and I become a hermit. But time heals all and I will always love her. And besides, I air all my life lessons here. Where else am I gonna get that?

-MM

We look so good together

Awww...

Marry Me, Lance Armstrong!

Hi all you Miss Melanoma readers,
Just FYI, I just dedicated a page to my dear Bobby at LIVESTRONG Action.

This page is a part of the world's largest dedication book that LIVESTRONG Action will use to pressure world leaders to do more to fight cancer. Can you add your name to my dedication page? It'll only take a second, and you will be my best friend FOREVER.

Also, you can help me reach my target of 25 dedications.

Please click here, it only takes a second:

http://www.livestrongaction.org/node/18888 [1]

Right now, Lance Armstrong is dedicating his ride in the Tour de France to the fight against cancer. And after the race, he'll send this dedication book - with your signature - to world leaders and pressure them to make
cancer a priority in their own countries. It's our best chance to push for
better treatment, more funding for cancer research and access to care for
everyone around the world.

But if people like us don't stand up, these leaders won't pay attention.

Thanks so much!
-MM

P.s. I love you mucho.

Obama is the man. And this is the business.

Congrats to Planet Cancer for reppin' us well. Here's an email I got from them today.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
June 24, 2009

Dear Friends,
We wanted to let you know about an exciting thing happening for us today!
Tonight, Wednesday, June 24th 2009 at 10pmET on ABC, there will be a Special Edition of "Primetime" to Air from the White House, "Questions for the President: Prescription for America." And guess whose there... PLANET CANCER!
Heidi, Courtney and 2 other PC members will be 4 of the 100 people to be there with President Obama tonight to get the chance to ask questions concerning "the Future of the Nation's Healthcare System." Woo hoo! Check out more info here.

WE'RE SO EXCITED! WE HOPE YOU ARE TOO! TUNE IN AND WATCH ABC AT 10pmET !!

Sincerely,
Planetcancer.org

A Tweet for Melanoma Research

Help the Melanoma Research Foundation (MRF) raise $20,000 in its first "Melanoma Tweetments" online fundraiser! You can help the MRF find pathways to a cure by sending updates about melanoma to your friends via Twitter and Facebook and donating a few dollars to fund melanoma research.

Click here for link. Thanks!

-MM

Would you be my friend...

... if my hair looked like this?

I walked Bear today at dusk, and it was the most amazing sunset I've seen in some time. It was the kind of evening that makes you think everything will be alright.

There is so much going on today, but I feel for some reason like everything is going to be okay. And it will, won't it? Isn't there some saying that everything will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end. I believe so.

Just trust me on this one- look for the good things that you have today. You have a good friend, you have a roof over your head, or you have been comforted in the fact that you're not alone. Or maybe best of all, you have figured out that you don't need another thing in the world.

I have all of those things to be thankful for today, and so much more.

Just take this for example: this month will be the 4th anniversary of my melanoma diagnosis. I can't even tell you the number of times I thought I'd never make it this far, and yet I have. I have a certain sense of destiny now, a feeling that everything happens (and happened) for a reason. Even the loss of so many friends, even the sadness, even the chronic pain I live with every day. All I can say is it woke me up from what I thought was a fulfilled life.

I feel like I will look back at these days as the happiest in my life, as a time I felt like I had it all figured out. Want to know what the secret is? Knowing that you'll never figure it out. I'm learning to embrace that. Relish it. Revel in it.

Would I be here without melanoma? Who knows, but at this point I don't even care. Today is all that I care about is today, and today is wonderful.
I never flippin' thought I would say that!


-MM

i[2]y Visa

A very worthwhile message from my homie Camille for all of you interested in supporting i[2]y. Thanks!
------------------------------------------------
Hello friends!

We all like to give, but times are a little tight ....that's what makes this the greatest opportunity to give! All you have to do is apply for a Visa credit card at: http://VISA.i2y.com

Then just buy a pack of gum or whatever suits your fancy at the local 7-11 and *POOF* you have donated $50 to I'm Too Young for This! How easy (and cheap) is that??

Let me know if you have any questions or would like further information - thanks in advance for your help and donation

Camille, Regional Chair, i[2]y SouthWest
Young Adult Leadership Cabinet
I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation

Photo Sunday

Life is crazy right now. I'm working really more than doing anything else, but the TAKS is in two weeks, so by May I'll be back to a normal life.

I'm good, though. Besides work, I can say that I'm 100% happy right now. If you know anything about what's been going on, you've probably already figured out that my two cancer support homies are doing good. One has been called "cured," a word which none of us have ever even heard from a doctor before. She was so positive and upbeat through the whole treatment, it was really amazing. And now she's home, like a trooper, healing and doing well. So could be possibly ask for more?

And my other friend is home again and thanks to her crazy strength and tenacity, the treatment she finally finished brought about great news in her last scan. She is now eligible for a transplant and we are excited about this big news. It seems we have all been very blessed, and I am so thankful. Not to downplay what these ladies have been through, but it seems there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I could go into all the things I've been dwelling over, like how every time something huge like this comes up, I revert right back to hopelessness. That's actually not entirely true, though. If I give myself some credit and am honest, I think that, little by little, I'm doing better every time. I know what I need to do, and that is sincerely and earnestly begin working on myself, coming to peace with the way things are and learning how to live in the moment instead of always wondering about if things will be okay. Admitting that is the first step, I guess, so I need to go about researching and planning a way to do that.

That being said, I thought I'd post some photos, including some things I am thankful for, and then get back to work. May is melanoma awareness month, and I've got some big plans! Can't wait to show you what I'm up to.

And now the photos:

1. This is me at the boxing gym I go to. These boys you see in the photo have become family to me, and they are a regular part of my week. Boxing has been a blessing to me, a way to relieve stress and just another thing that I have in my life that constantly teaches me that I am always in progress, and, simultaneously, always complete.

2. Pink hair is one of the simple pleasures in life.

3. Joy and me. What a blessing having a friend like this is. Our friendship sort of solidified over night, when I was in the midst of a horrible time in my life last year (see this post). She practically carried me through this time, and she's still around every time I need to hear that the TAKS test is not the end of life.

4. The Dude action figure that I have in the kitchen, right beside the Poptarts. Need I say more?

5. Me skating. Now, I'm not going too front and say I do this all the time, because this photo was taken the one and only time I've ever been on a half pipe. But eventually, I know I'll do this again. Maybe even twice.

6. This photo is from last weekend at the Deep Ellum Arts festival, a street fair type gig. And way too much fun for one day. Don't we look fabulous? I'm so happy I'm glowing.

7. These are my girls, and another example of the amazing things that can come into your life when you're down. I can always rely on when I need shop, go out to a club, have a few cocktails, worship handbags, talk about Edward Cullen, or dance. I'm so thankful for them.

8. and 9. Bear is the happiest dog alive. Bobby always threatens to write a book on how to live life like Bear, because this girl does it right.



That's it for now. I'll be back in 2 weeks.

Take care till then.

-MM

Today's Lesson

Never take for granted a single day that you are free to walk around without an IV.
Or a day you are not forced to stay in the hospital. It is so easy to forget, isn't it? And yet the average person is so very lucky.

And now, Little Miss Sunshine

If I sit here long enough, I know that everything is going to be okay. It always is. And when I'm still enough to listen to the part of me that knows that, I can kinda glimpse me in the future, already through all of this, already okay.

Just seems like this week, all those things I use to help me get to that little place: boxing, dancing, playing guitar, drawing, sleeping, reading- I was either too busy to get to do them, or by the time I got to them it was just too late. Or maybe it wasn't too late, but things kept getting in the way. Conversation. Thoughts that didn't need to be there. Seems like even in those activities that get me away from every thing for a while, my restless mind won't let me be free. Not even for 45 minutes. That's not true, actually. I mean, I get away, I find the quiet spot. But it is just so much harder to get there, and even harder to stay there.
So I'm daydreaming now of vacation. Someplace warm and sunny. I turn off my phone, not read my email, not be constantly reminded of work and the TAKS test and stress and everything else. I go someplace where no one knows me and no one will try to make me talk about it. I'm somewhere alone where I can just sit in silence for 14 days. That would be heaven.
Even if this daydream is only 5 minutes, it, plus LOL cats and a delicious Hostess cupcake are getting me through today.

And probably tomorrow.

-MM

If you're taking requests

So you know about my support group. You know that there are 6 or so of us, and that we are very close. We're from all walks of life, with ages spanning from fairly young to much older, and our incomes and lifestyles are even more diverse. And you know that they are what got me through the worst times of cancer, that they are the reason I can look at cancer without bitterness and regret. You know that most of what I learned from cancer, I learned with their help

What you don't know is that in the last few months, 2 girls in my group have been diagnosed again. One has had a recurrence of non-hodgkins lymphoma, and is trying another chemo regimen in order to be considered for a stem-cell transplant. Another has been diagnosed with a new cancer, if you can believe that.

And, of course, it's hard. It's way hard. I'm sure it's not actually so, but it might even be harder to be the one on the sidelines, having been through my own experience. Though these girls make it look easy. They accept their emotions, whatever they are, without shame and without trying to hide them. They express their emotions, even anger and fear, with grace and with peace. They amaze me. They make me pray for the kind of wisdom and acceptance that I see in them.

Please keep my friends in your thoughts and prayers. When you have a second during the day, send them some positive thoughts. I believe in that sort of thing, I believe that it makes a difference in the journey, if not the outcome. But please, God, make the outcome good.

Thanks,

MM

Valentines and More

First the good news- I am officially a rocker. That's right, kids. You have always suspected that I rock, and now I have fantastic news for you: I have learned an entire rock song. I can play "I love Rock n Roll" like I am Joan Jett's personal backup guitarist. Ok, not really, but it's not the point. I rock. No, seriously.

So, yes, technically, it is the only song I can play. But if you could only play one song, wouldn't it be THAT one? That's what I thought.
And to go with all this grooviness, my amazing boyfriend presented me with a rockin' valentines gift that you see to the left. Amazing.
I cried real friggin' tears. Never in my life have I cried over a gift before. I laugh now, but it was insane at the time how overwhelmed I was by such an amazing, touching, rockin gift. Complete with rockin card, in Sharpie. Oh, yeah. This is a rockin household.

Also, I need to give you the low down on what the good people at Land's End are doing. I got a message last week that they have a new line of clothing that is SPF 30 or above. And I quote, "The new Sun.Life collection is a full line of adjustable, breathable, and comfortable clothes for the entire family with an Ultraviolet Protection Factor rating of 30 or 50, which protects 96.7 to 97.5 percent of the sun's harmful rays." Cool, huh?

They were even nice enough to send me a jacket to check out. It's very cozy and warm, but it seems like something I might be able to wear in the warmer weather, too, so that's a bonus, especially in Texas. :) I recommend it on a comfort level and for the UV protection.

So, I know what you're thinking, and no, it does not exactly go with the rocker image that I projected just one paragraph earlier. But what can I say? A girl has to be versatile, and what better reason than preventing melanoma?
You also get the promotional code that offers free shipping and is available to you, my lovely reader, from February 8 to February 21. All you have to do is enter the code SUNLIFE and the pin 6365 when you check out. How cool is that? You can check out the Youtube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcVfvZsaxLE&feature=channel_page

So, besides that, I'm super busy with school. It is high-stakes testing season, after all. And in addition, so many of my people are going through treatment right now. Please keep One Tough Chic in your thoughts, she posts her prayer requests very frequently and I can't tell you what a friend this woman has been to me when I needed it. She is very close to my heart and has always felt more like family to me than a friend. It's so hard to see and hear of my friends going through so much as they fight this disease. I try to make peace with it, but, as you know, it is nearly impossible sometimes.

If you check out my cancer links, you'll read that also Linda is posting regularly and she needs your positive vibes as she has been in and out of a significant amount of pain. Please keep Rich in your thoughts, as he just recently, tragically, lost his wife Rachel to melanoma, as did Tara Swanson's family and friends. And there is JohnnyDeep awaiting upcoming scans, Bert who is in treatment, Becky who is recovering from kidney stones and heading up to NIH soon for scans, Tina who is in between treatments, JayBee who is somewhat concerned over recent scan results, Lance in Florida who is going through radiation, and Dave who is still recovering from treatment. I'm sure I've missed someone, and if I did I apologize. Just know that all of my people out there going through this need your positive thoughts. Treatment and recovery can be such an isolating, saddening experience, but with the right support, your friends can make a hell of a difference. It helps so much just to know that people are thinking of you and that you are not alone.

So for everyone struggling right now: you are not alone.

My thoughts are with you all and the way you sustain consistently inspires me. Thanks for being incredible examples of strength. YOU are the rockers! Joan Jett would be proud.

hugs,
MM

Do you know Clare Oliver?

No tan is worth dying for. Clare Oliver's very personal and powerful message:

Freedom Like a Shopping Cart

What if today, instead of fearing what was going on, I allowed myself to absorb it's painfulness? What if I thought about not how unfair it is, but rather what I could offer in prayer? What if I stopped lying to myself about what it is I want to do, and instead just said it out loud in spite of it's awkwardness and "inappropriateness"? What if I faced everything that I am afraid of, knowing I'd come out on the other side? What if I stopped thinking about how angry I am, and diverted my thoughts to how amazing it is that I can make a choice about how I handle my emotions? What if I accepted all these feelings inside me with kindness and gentleness of myself? What if I stopped avoiding the things that I know will make me face what I feel? What if instead of thinking and planning and always writing about what I want to do, I actually did it? Like right now.

-MM

Holiday post: Epic in Nature

I think about the waiting. That, I think, is cancer's toughest treatment: the constant battle to accept that there is no certainty in the future. Even when you know you're going to live through it, you are a sitting duck. You can't make any plans, because no one can tell you what's ahead of you. They don't tell you because they don't know. So you don't want to make any decisions because of the tremendous chance that something will come up and you'll have to drop out of that school you applied to, the job you interviewed for, that trip you planned. And doing that- starting something you worked so hard for, having it within your reach, only to have to quit when you are so close to it- or once you've had a taste of it- that is heart wrenching.

Then you are hit with a barely tolerable second bit of reality, and that is that you have become completely dependent on other people. You can't move forward in your life until the doctor tells you what to do next. So you wait for the next scan results- 2 weeks. Those are a little unclear. Call and schedule a PET. Another 2 weeks. Then an additional week for the results. Let's confer with a surgeon and see what she thinks. The appointment is a month away. Should I be concerned about not getting in before then? No, your oncologist says, it's fine. So you wait a month. And then the surgeon wants to talk to another surgeon and also to a radiologist. 2 weeks again. Wait for surgery. Wait for radiation. Wait and see if the chemo worked. Wait, wait, wait.

Suddenly, you look around and a year of your life has gone by. When am I gonna have an answer? you think. But there is no answer. That's what none of us got the first time we went through treatment. There are no answers. If the doctor had one, he would give it to you. But he is making an educated guess and gathering all the info he can to do the best possible job at that. And let's face it, you just really want to know if you're going to live. And for how long. That is all it boils down to. And there is no one who can tell you that.

So you eat lunch. You watch some t.v. You try to fill your time with whatever you can until the next appointment. But are you living? I didn't. I don't think I lived a single day in between my diagnosis and my official declaration of being N.E.D. I survived. I relied on everyone else for what was going to happen to me, and as the treatment began to take a toll on my body, I began to rely on others to take care of that, too. I fought it for as long as I could, but then it felt inevitable. Can you wash my hair? Help me get upstairs? Pull me up out of bed? Change my clothes? Help me clean myself up? I threw up again, will you bring me a towel? Do you see my pain meds? How am I going to get to the hospital on Thursday? Do we have any soup? I can only imagine what the weight of caring for me must have felt like. It must have been smothering. And me- I was fading into a ghost, having lost everything that I considered a normal life. I hated myself for trying to fight it. I hated how stubborn I was. I hated my body. I hated myself for having succumbed. I hated myself for not being stronger. I hated myself for hating myself. My body was so torn up physically, there was no hope for me to maintain my emotional health. My mental outlook had completely deteriorated with my ability to take care of myself.

So this holiday season, I look back at all of it with an honesty and empathy that has taken me literally years to muster. Did my life stop the day I was diagnosed? No, but it did not begin, either. I guess I say this because if you open your heart and love cancer (how bizarre does that sound?) for what it is, it will, in time I think, allow you to find the things that matter most. And that truly is a gift. But that is not an easy journey. Or it wasn't for me, at least. I am so much smarter now. I know that now, I would be a much more active patient- doing my own research and making my own decisions. But even if all that was taken away, even if one day I was rendered completely helpless, I would still be smarter. Because I'd know the truth, and the truth is this: it doesn't matter. It is what it is. Life is life, and you better just take it for what it is. Even when we're "healthy," we can try and fool ourselves into thinking our future is a sure thing, but it never is. It never was, and it never will be. Today is what we get. And that's it. You better make it all it can be and accept it for what it is, 'cause it's all you get.

A while back I wrote about how low I've been. I guess it's time to come clean and just be open about everything. In a way, I look back on this blog and it seems it didn't exist before October 11th of this year. It seems my whole life kinda started the day I really realized how depressed I was. It became about moving forward and getting healthier mentally. Which is good. But to be honest with you, it's sometimes exhausting, too. Maybe I don't have to tell you because you've faced the process before, but if you haven't, let me just break it down for you: it is so overwhelming to look forward into your life and see that the process you are going to have to go through is painful and arduous, but most of all that it could take years before it does not feel like a daily, forced chore.

That being said, irregardless of how bad coming to grips with everything and facing my demons sucked, being healthy and happy has become my number one priority, and so I have learned to love it like a 12-step recovery junkie loves their meetings. It is painful but somehow wonderful. I have begun my journey. I guess that I think part of that journey is telling everyone about it (to keep myself on track), and that include you. See, the deal is, when all of this went down with cancer and I became so dependent on everyone else for my physical care, I somehow got things mixed up and allowed my emotional well-being to be their responsibility, too. I made my happiness dependent on them. Because my happiness was completely in their hands, I had to become really controlling of everyone and everything. I wanted to be happy so I tried to make sure they made me happy. It sounds crazy and it's kinda hard to explain, but that, in a nut-shell, is what has been dragging me down: the exhausting, white- knuckled approach to life. You are probably thinking, as a good friend said to me, "Honey, cancer didn't teach you that trying to control life doesn't work?" Well, no, I guess not.

So that's me and where I am. Tomorrow starts a new year and it seems appropriate as I've already begun the transformation of a new and better me. I think the best part about all of this is the humility it has brought me. Nothing in my life has been as freeing as it has been to allow everyone to see how flawed I am. It is truly amazing to be as transparent as I can be and still be accepted and loved. I never want to be the other way again.

So, after that 8 minute rant, I was really leading to this: I learned it's okay. If I am or you are depressed, it's okay. If I can't or you can't seem to pull yourself out of a funk, it's okay. We don't have to hide it or be ashamed of it. A few weeks ago (the day after my birthday) I said I'd finally come close to forgiving myself for my dichotomy. Now I'm like, forgive? For what, being human? Where in the world did I get that stupid idea.

Anyway, that's the dirt. Now you know. Someone call National Enquirer! :)

-MM

And now, on a completely unrelated note, this totally uplifting and amazing story! 2 exclamation points in a row!

Truly Magical

I found a site tonight called Dear God, Hear Us, One Prayer at a Time by way of Leslie's blog, which I also discovered tonight. Both are great. But anyway, not the point.

So on this Dear God site, people write in their prayers. It's a crazy experience to read other people's intimate prayers, especially the ones from people who are so hurt and so angry. And there are a lot of those, as, in these days and times, you might expect. But then, I came upon this amazing prayer below, which totally lit up my day. And he's here in Dallas! One more reason to be happy, people. I am overwhelmed by the humility, patience and love he has for each moment and for himself. I can only aspire to such, but maybe one day...














Dear Universe,

It is with a heavy, exhausted heart that I say, “thanks”. Deep in my heart I know that I am feeling exactly what I need to, in order to move into my next moment. Sometimes I try to force myself into the next moment quicker than time (your heartbeat) wants me to. You want me to enjoy and learn from each beat. I try, each day, I try. I am also trying to not turn the hands of time backwards. I know, each moment is precious, and I thank you for that. That, and all of the people, experiences, good things and bad things that are part of each moment, I am thankful. From these people and things I learn - I try to take the good forward and leave the bad behind. Thank you Universe for all of these things, including my very tough day today.
I love you and me.

Steven, Dallas/USA

Behind, as usual...

... but kinda in a good way! Hard to explain. Anyway, 2 quick things and I'll post again this week.
First, thanks to Anonymous for posting the Percepcion unitaria page. I'm not finished checking it out but I'm finding it all very interesting. Good stuff so far and I always appreciate anything that may make my life better.

Also thanks to Gil J. for letting me know about this melanoma awareness video on Johnson & Johnson's Youtube Health Channel.

And here's a tip for all of you out there looking to write a song parody for the very talented (yuk) Weird Al Yankovic: some of the songs from the Johnson & Johnson Youtube channel may be your golden ticket. I mean seriously. A nurse video with a bad wannabe-Indigo Girls' background song? I don't even know what to do with that.

Also, this cartoon, which is very funny to me.





heart ya, (mean it!)
-MM

Here are the things I need to tell you about Paris

1. There are no words to tell you how beautiful every single street is.
2. Everyone there loves their dog as much as I love mine, which is an incomprehensible amount of love.
3. That whole French-people-are-rude-thing really may be a myth. I'm not kidding.
4. Ten hours on a plane is a small price to pay for the experience. Even when the plane is 85 degrees and there are 30 drill team members in blue eyeshadow on your flight. That should tell you how awesome Paris is.
5. If I lived there, I would go to church all the time. I went to Notre Dame three times. And that doesn't even include all the other churches I went to.
6. It is very cold in November. Like really very cold.
7. The Arc de Triomphe rocked my world.

I may be French. It's true. Or maybe I'm just having vision of gaufres.

-MM