Saturday, October 11, 2008

Would you believe me if I said I was depressed?

Probably so, huh. You've probably had an inkling all along. Looking back, I don't know how I didn't know. But a certain turn of events within the last 2 weeks left me standing completely still in the middle of the day and saying, "I feel like I have no control over my life."

What a revelation.

How is that possible? Aren't I the ONLY one who has control of my life? Am I just now feeling this or have I felt this (and lied about feeling it) since May 22, 2005, when I was diagnosed with cancer? The answer is I honestly have no idea. But now the truth is in front of me, and I can look back and see that so much of what I've felt for a very long time has stemmed from this. Maybe not since diagnosis, but at some point since then.

So what does this mean? I guess I don't know. I can tell you how I feel: like I've just moved into a big, new flat and am all ready to start fixing it up but have no idea where to begin. Then I have waves of complete exhaustion and I think, "Are you kidding me? How are you going to do all this?"

And, of course, I feel like an idiot that I've just now realized something that I've felt for a very long time.

Suddenly everything looks very different to me. Like I said, it varies in waves between bright, sunny skies and ominously dark clouds. I am smiling one moment, completely happy, and then crying for no apparent reason for hours at a time. I have people all around me; more support than I've probably had in my whole life, and yet I somehow allow myself to feel very alone and small.

And then I think again of the big, new place and how cool it will be to live there in just a few weeks or months. I have to admit that I'm so self-absorbed I can hardly stand myself, but I'm not sure if there's any other option now. I just want to feel really, really safe again in my own skin. That's my first goal.

I'll keep you posted.

-MM

8 comments:

Kelly Kane said...

I'm sorry you're feeling the funk. I think we all are feelin' the funk lately. Keep yourself busy and when you get down try to make yourself do something to get out of it- - it's my only advice since I get the same way!

You let me know if you need anything!!!

XO!

Carver said...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I periodically have moments of literally pulling the covers over my head and I think I know something of what you are feeling. There aren't any answers or I don't have them but you have my good thoughts for whatever that's worth.

John and Jessie Trinh said...

Hey Lori,
Thanks for your vulnerability in this post. I want you to know that I have been praying for you, and I will continue to do so EVERY day. You are strong. You are a fighter. You are courageous. You can do this!
Jessie

Anonymous said...

I have had tough days like this. I don't think I could make it without my Prozac. Maybe some day, just not right now.

faye said...

Um, I'm so there with you, sad to say. Is in the Dallas smog? For the first time in years, I'm going in for the drugs. Sometimes it takes someone else to notice it, too: Today, B said, "Could there be a more classic presentation of what depression looks like?" And, I guess, not really. If you do this anything like I do, you might need the following well-wishes/prayers: I wish you energy. And sleep. At night, not right when you get home from work. I wish you to put down the computer, to talk to another human or read a book for pleasure, not work. I wish you green tea. I wish you to put down the work, it's fine the way it is. Maybe not the best, but fine. I wish you a creative vibe. A clean car. Many present moments.

Peace out, playa.

Karen said...

Hi, I too also get the same way and to tell the truth i don't know why! I was diagnosed with Advanced G2 Breast Cancer in May 2007 and am currently writing my Story with full feelings and emotions. can you please link to my website http://www.breastcancerstory.co.uk

Keep your chin up
Love and hugs Karen

melancholynoma said...

Sounds like depression alright. There are good days and bad days; it is often worse in the morning. You should definitely try to fix it, not just put up with it.

The two things that have helped me are Prozac and meditation. YMMV as to what drug(s) work but I encourage you to try to find something that does: it really stabalized my mood and gave me a feeling of control. Some people I know have done OK with St. John's Wort but it is hard to know how much to take and this will vary depending on the brand you buy. Also, natural remedies of that kind may not play well with real drugs (like Prozac).

Meditation helps me find tranquility when I really need it. All meditation practices involve consciously not thinking, if that makes any sense. Since much of our misery comes from miserable thoughts, being able to put them aside and just be is a real relief. It's not the kind of thing you can do once and expect a fix, though: you have to make a point of doing it regularly, like every day.

You know where to find me. If there is anything I can do long-distance I'll be glad to help. You are not alone and you are not unloved!

Alex said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling. Depression is a sneaky and terrible thing. I think the worst part of it is not the feelings of sadness, but the lack of feelings, the flatness, the inability to enjoy anything. And the sense of fatigue, the way even the simplest things seem overwhelming. I just want to encourage you to talk with your doc about it, and consider meds if you haven't already, because you shouldn't have to suffer like this. There is really effective treatment, and the good news is that for the majority of people medication can help. You are not alone! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

i2y

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