Probably so, huh. You've probably had an inkling all along. Looking back, I don't know how I didn't know. But a certain turn of events within the last 2 weeks left me standing completely still in the middle of the day and saying, "I feel like I have no control over my life."
What a revelation.
How is that possible? Aren't I the ONLY one who has control of my life? Am I just now feeling this or have I felt this (and lied about feeling it) since May 22, 2005, when I was diagnosed with cancer? The answer is I honestly have no idea. But now the truth is in front of me, and I can look back and see that so much of what I've felt for a very long time has stemmed from this. Maybe not since diagnosis, but at some point since then.
So what does this mean? I guess I don't know. I can tell you how I feel: like I've just moved into a big, new flat and am all ready to start fixing it up but have no idea where to begin. Then I have waves of complete exhaustion and I think, "Are you kidding me? How are you going to do all this?"
And, of course, I feel like an idiot that I've just now realized something that I've felt for a very long time.
Suddenly everything looks very different to me. Like I said, it varies in waves between bright, sunny skies and ominously dark clouds. I am smiling one moment, completely happy, and then crying for no apparent reason for hours at a time. I have people all around me; more support than I've probably had in my whole life, and yet I somehow allow myself to feel very alone and small.
And then I think again of the big, new place and how cool it will be to live there in just a few weeks or months. I have to admit that I'm so self-absorbed I can hardly stand myself, but I'm not sure if there's any other option now. I just want to feel really, really safe again in my own skin. That's my first goal.
I'll keep you posted.