Monday, December 17, 2007

Conversation Inside My Head

Uggh. I hate this.

Hate what?

This. This being "sick" all the time. This swelling in my leg everytime I work out. This pain in my muscles for no reason. This having to plan weeks ahead if I want to do something fun, so I can take it easy and then be sure I can go. And then not even being able to go sometimes. This fatigue and weakness and joint pain, a year and a half after Interferon.

Seriously? This is what you're whining about.

I know, I know. I'm actually really lucky.

Yes, you ARE very lucky. People have died. And you whine about this?

I know. I'm sorry. But this is not how I live life. I'm a totally different person b/c of all this stuff that's still wrong with me. I have a right to be sad about still being affected by cancer every day.

I can't believe you're still whining about this. You're alive, for God's sake! You're lucky to be alive!

I know I'm lucky to be alive, but can't I just grieve this? I feel like I have a right to grieve this.

It's time to move on. Let go of the sadness and be that person you used to be, that could see the good side of life. Think of how blessed you still are.

Oh, good grief. What do you know? Get off my jock already.

Hmp. The nerve of some people.

(wow, what an appropriate comic!)

"We're here to face another day. Good day or bad, easy or hard, that's a victory in and of itself. I don't think I need to say any more."

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Oh come, All ye Support Group

6 months. 6 months since I had seen my support group members. That was when Faith moved to McKinney and when our little group sort of stopped making it on Thursdays to Gilda's Club. The post-treatment group that we joined was so different from what we'd had when we were all in the active treatment group, and so slowly, we all dropped off.

Lucky for us, we have a tradition of "Celebrate Us" dinners. Sounds cheesy, I know, and it probably is, but it's good to see these people who listened to me whine every Thursday the entire time I was doing Interferon. It's good to be able to see friends that are different from any kind of friends I've ever had. It's good to know that when no one else understands what I say about cancer, these girls do. And they KNOW. When I say I won't do treatment again, they don't try to talk me out of it. They are friends- the ones who called me when Oscar died. They were there at his house every time I went to see him. They called and came to see me and brought food when I was in the hospital last June for surgery. These girls know. They've been here through it all.

And it's not weird to see them and say, "How was your last scan?" It's not weird to them to have a cold and think you've got a recurrence. And they know SO much more than my gp. Is that bizarre? Yes, that part is bizarre, but true. And it's so good to have them to ask things to. And hearing them talk about how cancer still affects them every friggin' day, even so long after treatment- well, it's just reassuring to know you're not the only one. When I listen to them, and hear their words, and feel their pain, I also see that I've grown a little, too. I really empathize with what they're feeling, when, in the beginning I was so wrapped up with my own drama, I couldn't even get past my own fears to listen to someone else's. At the time I beat myself up for it alot. Now I look back and am see just how messed up I was from everything that was happening to me. Now I am actually being a really friend to them. And it's good that now I can make it through a conversation without crying.

See the thing is, these girls (and 1 guy) and I, we have so little in common. Sure, there are things within all of them that I can relate to, but in general these would not be a typical group of my friends. And I guess that is the beauty of this group, is that even though we are so different, these people are so important to me. And more than that, their presence means that I can take peace from the fact none of us are alone in this. I've been dealing with a lot of melanoma stuff lately that I'm still not quite ready to talk about, but I will tell you that my Gilda's family has made me able to face it. Facing it is not quite talking about it or writing about it yet, but it is a step in towards having some faith in myself and my capabilities in handling the tough stuff in life. I dont' know if any of you have felt that lately, but it is truly a gift to have people bring that feeling to you, or out of you, or whatever. I hope that I can do the same for them someday, because that was a just about the most wonderful gift I could've gotten this Christmas.

Sending that same gift to all of you,

Monday, December 03, 2007

It's beginning to look a lot like Procrastination

This is going to be a short post, but I'm hoping by posting this that maybe I can motivate myself to write here again. I've been having a lot of trouble getting myself to post here, and I finally came to the conclusion that it's not so much busyness or laziness as much as it is me not wanting to talk about things that I'm just now figuring out that I'm not wanting to talk about. I'm good, just taking my time about getting around to those feelings. It's not that I don't love you-- I love each and every one of you that read this deeply and somewhat inappropriately. Nonetheless, I'm a little withdrawn. But I'll keep you posted on the emotional progress I intend to keep making.

love ya,



I'm Too Young For This!