I don't really know where any of this is going.... so you guys are just gonna get "train of thought" writing today.
Today I feel empty, disconnected, hurt. I've been thinking a lot of my own importance or lack thereof.
There is a huge realization that I have filled my life, from a very early age, with people that put their own needs before mine. And the strangest thing I can say about that is that it never really seemed that weird. It was what I expected, and perhaps even needed.
And here I am, 37, looking back, and being so angry with myself for not demanding more. Today, finally, I am worthy of all the things everyone else is.
Just recently I have, maybe for the first time in my life, seen myself in someone else's eyes- someone who I think may have valued my needs even higher than their own. The conversation made me want to run back to all the people in my life and say, "look! I've figured it out! All you have to do is give in to some of the things I want, and then we can all be happier." But it's like that scene in movies when the music comes to a screeching halt and all I could hear were crickets. I waited for their response. I waited for a realization. And then it dawned on me, and my jaw dropped. They are more important than me. At least to themselves. Even though I've given in a thousand times, talked myself into living a subpar life at times to keep them happy, my request flabbergasts them. They're appalled. They throw their hands in the air and begin ranting. How dare I.
The biggest consolation is the emptiness inside me, because in the middle of the night, diving into that abyss, I find that it is not emptiness at all. It is simply space. I don't know what the space is for, but I pray it's for new feelings of gratitude. For opportunity. For the future. And for ME.
And so I guess, believe it or not, according to my favorite quote, today is the best day of my life.
It's been a long time since I've posted, and there's so much to tell you that it would be easier to talk about the things that haven't changed in my life than what has.
That's a whole lotta change.
But tonight instead of thinking of change, I'm thinking of people. People in my life. The ones who have entered and left over the years. The ones who dropped out and the ones who came back. The ones like family. The ones who look you in the eye and make you feel like you can be better just because of the way they see you. The ones who are all locked up inside themselves. I think people are the most fascinating creatures, because even the predictable ones will surprise you.
Strange situations are around me, and I have actually chosen to try and be the bigger person. I may not succeed, but I am trying. Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like growth. It feels like hurt. It feels like disappointment and disdain and frustration and salty tears. So what I'm thinking about tonight is not change, but people. And how disappointing we all can be. And petty. And so darn unpredictable.
But that's not what I should be thinking.
What I should be thinking is: even if they never realize what they had, I'm here tonight loving the fact that I don't allow them to make me feel small anymore. And that feels like growth I can actually be happy about.