Monday, December 17, 2007

Conversation Inside My Head

Uggh. I hate this.

Hate what?

This. This being "sick" all the time. This swelling in my leg everytime I work out. This pain in my muscles for no reason. This having to plan weeks ahead if I want to do something fun, so I can take it easy and then be sure I can go. And then not even being able to go sometimes. This fatigue and weakness and joint pain, a year and a half after Interferon.

Seriously? This is what you're whining about.

I know, I know. I'm actually really lucky.

Yes, you ARE very lucky. People have died. And you whine about this?

I know. I'm sorry. But this is not how I live life. I'm a totally different person b/c of all this stuff that's still wrong with me. I have a right to be sad about still being affected by cancer every day.

I can't believe you're still whining about this. You're alive, for God's sake! You're lucky to be alive!

I know I'm lucky to be alive, but can't I just grieve this? I feel like I have a right to grieve this.

It's time to move on. Let go of the sadness and be that person you used to be, that could see the good side of life. Think of how blessed you still are.

Oh, good grief. What do you know? Get off my jock already.

Hmp. The nerve of some people.

(wow, what an appropriate comic!)

"We're here to face another day. Good day or bad, easy or hard, that's a victory in and of itself. I don't think I need to say any more."


Carver said...

Well Lori, I don't think you're whining. I think I know how you feel though because I also worry that I sound like I'm whining. That said, we have to be able to grieve what we've lost. I'm not using the imperial we. I am a bit older than you and at one level feel even less ok about talking about what it's like but I think it's healthy, not just for you but for others going through the same thing. Makes them feel a bit less alone.

I remember early on in my blog I got an email from someone and a comment from another on my blog saying that could have been them writing what I said. In the email the woman said it made her feel less alone. You never know who reads your blog or who may be helped by it. I know it's helped me although I certainly wish you didn't have to go through what you're going through. As someone once told me in another context a long time ago, someone always has it better and someone always has it worse. Pain is pain and we wouldn't be human if we were breaking out into it's a beautiful day every time we walked or limped out the door. Perspective can help but I don't think it should become a way of beating ourselves up.

As ever, Carver

Anonymous said...

tell sister. you are lucky but that doesnt mean it doesnt suck for you and anyone else dealing with beginning, middle or end of a life threatening bull shit scenario... it sucks. and all i can say to you is that i love you very much and I am lucky that I have you in my friends.

BaldyLocks said...

I think it's good for us to release the difficulty of living through and beyond our treatment. It allows others to be able to grieve for themselves too.

For me writing about being down is difficult and against my nature. We have so many sides to us, why not let them be real. I feel isolated when I feel lousy and there is no one to connect to who can understand. Having you and others has helped a great deal.

I've only been doing this (blogging) a short while but I think if we just keep reaching out to each other, we can heal our spirits.

I feel so much better today. Your message was so supportive and apparently just what I needed.

Oh, and I'm blog tagging you so I hope you come check my blog for the details. I think I was supposed to jump in here and yell TAG!

BaldyLocks said...

You have an Einstein Quote up! Did you know I'm an Einstin quote fanatic!?! I'm liking you better every time I come over here!

(although your fabulousness was apparent from the very moment I read "Miss Melanoma")

Doug said...

You have the same people talking in your head as I have in mine (and probably lots of others as well). If we can't talk to ourselves, who the heck can really understand us?! I used to think that I could get past having cancer and get on with life but the reality is, I'm a different person since I was diagnosed. Since it recurred, I'm convinced that someone is trying to make a point! Cancer is a huge part of my life whether I want it to be or not.

As with all things, we need to learn from what happens to us and get on with living. The thing is (for some and maybe most of us), we move on with a totally different outlook on life, death and living. It's not the same as just "moving on" or "getting past it". And while I really, really try to be positive and enjoy every moment, I often get very depressed about what has happened to me. I guess that is me grieving.

Thanks again.



I'm Too Young For This!