Sunday, October 04, 2009

Call me Dr. Slump


My first thought is: give yourself a break. It's been a tough week.

And it has.

Linda's funeral was Thursday. Another member of our tiny group has moved on. I don't really know what to say except that it's so hard to see them go. They are out of pain and they are better off, but to know that they fought so hard to be here, and to miss them so much- sometimes it's hard to remember that there's a reason for everything, I guess. Or it's just plain hard to believe it.

I guess Bobby realized what was going on, too, and he was kind enough to plan a little out of town day trip to, what I realize now, force me into giving myself a day off. I spent most of the day in the hotel room just watching movies and relaxing. I shopped a little and napped a little, and we had a wonderful meal. It was nice to get a change of scenery, and the silence and time alone (while B went and did his own thing) was pretty awesome. I've been alternating not being able to sleep with doing nothing but sleeping and eating and not much else since early last week. A lot of eating. Like I think I might have to add on to the warehouse soon. I guess the fatigue is a touch of depression, but I'm just taking it as it comes right now. I'm functioning, I mean. I'm going to work, and such, but I'm also aware that my heart really isn't in it.

I'm taking care of myself, which feels a little weird and a little selfish. I'm learning to say no and I've been doing a pretty good job of it this week. And I'm making an effort to just be aware and be as unjudging as possible about my feelings. I just allow myself to feel whatever is there, and sometimes I cry, or I bargain, or I get angry, or I feel numb. And I just try to be with that until a new feeling comes along. I'm aware enough to know that I'm hurting and healing at the same time, and I'm also being a complete slacker, which doesn't feel so bad. It's actually kinda nice to just be doing this, and not fighting it. This is the healthiest grieving I've ever done. I actually feel like I'm going to survive.

I have a lot to reveal about the recent turn of events and what I've discovered about myself in the midst, but I just have no energy for it right now. Soon, though, I promise I'll share. Cross my heart.

Hopefully I can pull out of this funk and get some of my energy back soon. But just so you know, I'm okay. You may want to keep that Volkswagen-sized Red Bull around for me, just in case, though. Back away slowly, and avoid eye contact.

-MM

6 comments:

Bobby said...

You're awesome my baby! You're doing all the right things and I love you like crazy!!!

Bob B. said...

Hang in there. It sounds like you're doing all the right things for yourself.

JB aka JayBee said...

I am sorry that you are dealing with some rough stuff, but I am happy that you are taking it one day at a time and giving yourself some time and space to feel these things and feel them deeply.

You have given support and encouragement to so many people. I hope your readers will give some back.

How about this? Be happy that you don't have tumor surgery on Monday Morning.

(I'm pretty feeble when it comes to cheering people up.)

I'm wishing you well from Minneapolis.

faye said...

*hands Dr Slump a Red Bull*

Candle and a prayer for you....right...now. Peace.

Dr. Swill said...

I wanted to let you know about an interesting cancer blog a group of cancer patients have been working on.

A fellow tongue cancer patient was sent home to die. There was nothing more that can be done. Cancer survivors ask him life altering questions.

Please read: Dead Man Talking http://beyondtheglassdoor.blogspot.com

Peace B

Rachel C Miller said...

This is really wonderful that you are bringing awareness to an issue such as cancer that despite all the medical break through seems to be on an uprise. Working in the natural skin care industry, I find so many people coming to me and revealing their stories of Melanoma as well other skin conditions. The sun is blamed for so much, but I can't help wonder how much man made chemicals play in the increase of cancer. The FDA seems to be in the court of big business right or wrong.
I just think it is wonderful that you are sharing your trials and triumph of something so personal. May you find increased strength in your battle.

i2y

I'm Too Young For This!