Friday, November 04, 2005

Learn all the rules. Then break them.

Wow, quite the weekend, and I spent a lot of it with Bobby. What can I say about Bobby? If I started typing now, I'd still be sitting here in a year typing about him- that's how awesome this guy is. That's how blessed I am just to have him as a friend, and being more than that, really getting to know him and falling for him- it's been amazing. He's always there, that's what really gets me. He's ALWAYS there with a kind word and a pick me up, he's always saying the most incredible things to me. A lot of times I think about how he deserves so much better than this- than having a girl with cancer... and I just wish I could run away to an island and just deal with this all by myself. But anyway, that's not the point. A lady in my group tonight told me that I don't want to be loved, because I don't want the people around me to feel the pain that I'm going through. I'm not really going thru any pain; the chemo is more an inconvenience than anything else. But the thought itself blows my mind. Really, I can not describe it, but you have to trust me. Anyway, here's what Bobby and I were talking about today:

So we're sitting around talking about our respective high schools, and he asks why I didn't go to my 10 year reunion. I'll be honest, because I was honest with him, I know I've done a lot, but I feel like I haven't accomplished my "big thing" yet. That's what I told him, and I meant it. Do you ever feel that way? Like you were born to do something big, something great, and you just haven't done it yet?
You should've heard Bobby go on and on about how wrong it was for me to say that. He says the craziest things, said today that other people look at me the way I think about the nurses I come across. I don't know, I don't see it, but it's not the point. What is the point? Simply this: That it made me think a lot about life and about destiny and about what it's all about. What if THIS is what it's all about? Today, right now, this moment. Everything in my life- all I've learned, everyone I've known, mistakes made and paths taken - all of it lead up to this moment, all of it was because of what I'm supposed to do today. It's a mind-boggling thought, but it's not too big to wrap my brain around, and here's why: because part of me believes it. Part of me believes that my whole life has been leading up to where I am now, to this experience, to melanoma. It's the big thing I've been destined to do with my life. I've always known I was supposed to do something big, and I finally feel like I've chipped the iceberg on what it is. This is part of it, too. This blog, and all of you reading it. It's crazy but true. It's just a tiny part of the something bigger I know I'm supposed to do with my life, one of the little steps that will hopefully lead to me making a huge difference. Bobby and I only went on one date before I was diagnosed, and he says that's no coincidence. He says we were meant to go through this together, to beat all this together and work together to make this a bigger purpose. I don't know, but it seems to make sense sometimes. And so, because I love an inter-active blog, :) I encourage all of you: be a part of this bigger thing with me. Tell everyone you know about this site, email anybody who knows anyone else. It's the only way that people will find out about the dangers of melanoma, about the insane easiness that can be prevention, about the risks to people that are just as young as you and me. Help me to be something bigger, help me to make this whole disease something that wasn't experienced in vain. It would mean a lot to me, and it could help so many others.

Thanks for the love,



Anonymous said...

I do believe it, it does make sense. But- FYI- you touched alot of us before this ever happened. KK

Anonymous said...

u can't run away to an island, unless u're JESUS. you'd have to take a boat.


I'm Too Young For This!