Monday, January 08, 2007

Free, Free falling

Uggh. I suck. Every weekend I try to force myself to post a blog, and every weekend I come up with some reason I can't. Well, I'm not standing for it, I tell ya. I'm demanding a post.

Not sure why I've had an aversion to post lately. It's not really work, which has been good. And I've started running again (I'm a MACHINE, I tell ya), slowly, slowly but surely dropping my time and trying to get back up to the 3 mile mark. And, I went back to Gilda's Club for the first time in forever, seeing all those faces that supported me while I was on Interferon. It's been good, and busy, and nice to return to all of these things.

But I'm thinking the truth may be (can you handle the truth?) that I've taken time off from the blog the same reason I've taken time off from Gilda's- which is, of course (are you ready for this?) DENIAL, baby. That's right, good ol' fashion denial, as in, nope, I don't have cancer, didn't have cancer, won't get it again even though I never had it. And, even though the sane part of me knows that's ridiculous, there's that part of me, too, that wants to pretend that I'm immortal again, that these things can't happen to me and won't happen to my friends.

For instance, there's a girl in my support group- she's around my age, she's funny, she's great- and, her breast cancer has spread to her brain. Now what? you may be asking yourself. Well, doc says she can get 1 of 2 treatments, and the choice is hers: treatment 1 will extend the length of her life, but she'll likely lose most of her normal functioning; treatment 2 is likely to extend the length of her life but will almost definately cost her the ability to see. Or she can do neither, and have a very short life expectancy, I suppose.

Unfair. Unjust. And, just as we all know it, unbiased. Cancer is so cruel sometimes. I wish I could unlearn all I know about it today, and just be back in that place where I didn't know that people I have grown to love have such hard choices to make and such short lives ahead of them.

Ah, well. Such is life. I'm just trying to find ways to deal with it.

See, now you're not going to be so gung-ho on my posting again, are ya?




Snobby Bobby said...

I'll say something on this latest post. something our girl didn't really delve into. She ran 2 miles yesterday!! I stood and watched her do the second one. I can't even make it a 1/10 of a mile without stopping and little Miss M. does 2 miles no problem. This was her 3rd time working out after treatment.

She amazes me on a daily basis and I love her. I don't care who knows it.

Birmingham Smart Ass said...

Yep. I wish I could unlearn too. Or better yet, if I'd understood then what I clearly understand now...well than one is truly pointless!
Some days I bask in sheer ignorant bliss and I love it.
Today has been one of 'em. :)
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
Love, Your friend.
PS I ran on Saturday...30 minutes, SLOW, on a treadmill. Dunno how far as I didn't check that on the display, but Girlfriend, we did good!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog and your posts - whenever you feel like posting. There is no right answer to any of this. Why not forget about cancer for a long as you're not in treatment, etc....why the hell not? Feel free for a while and forget the "C" word! As for the running - girl, I couldn't run before my diagnosis! Run, Miss M, run!

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy for you that you are running again. And, who cares if you're slow? We both know we've never been fast runners. And really, just as long as you work back up to a point where that last girl at the Pride run doesn't also beat us we're good. I'm thinking that we should do the SD Pride run again just to relive the hilarity and humiliation of the whole thing. "Oh, Lolo, these people are so supportive. Look how they're clapping for us." "No, Bug, those people are clapping for the winners who've all just lapped us."


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