Uggh. I suck. Every weekend I try to force myself to post a blog, and every weekend I come up with some reason I can't. Well, I'm not standing for it, I tell ya. I'm demanding a post.
Not sure why I've had an aversion to post lately. It's not really work, which has been good. And I've started running again (I'm a MACHINE, I tell ya), slowly, slowly but surely dropping my time and trying to get back up to the 3 mile mark. And, I went back to Gilda's Club for the first time in forever, seeing all those faces that supported me while I was on Interferon. It's been good, and busy, and nice to return to all of these things.
But I'm thinking the truth may be (can you handle the truth?) that I've taken time off from the blog the same reason I've taken time off from Gilda's- which is, of course (are you ready for this?) DENIAL, baby. That's right, good ol' fashion denial, as in, nope, I don't have cancer, didn't have cancer, won't get it again even though I never had it. And, even though the sane part of me knows that's ridiculous, there's that part of me, too, that wants to pretend that I'm immortal again, that these things can't happen to me and won't happen to my friends.
For instance, there's a girl in my support group- she's around my age, she's funny, she's great- and, her breast cancer has spread to her brain. Now what? you may be asking yourself. Well, doc says she can get 1 of 2 treatments, and the choice is hers: treatment 1 will extend the length of her life, but she'll likely lose most of her normal functioning; treatment 2 is likely to extend the length of her life but will almost definately cost her the ability to see. Or she can do neither, and have a very short life expectancy, I suppose.
Unfair. Unjust. And, just as we all know it, unbiased. Cancer is so cruel sometimes. I wish I could unlearn all I know about it today, and just be back in that place where I didn't know that people I have grown to love have such hard choices to make and such short lives ahead of them.
Ah, well. Such is life. I'm just trying to find ways to deal with it.
See, now you're not going to be so gung-ho on my posting again, are ya?