Monday, January 15, 2007

I also think you're more than just fat

When I was 22 years old, I was "hospitalized" for 2 weeks for severe depression. "Hospitalized" as in I was institutionalized for major severe depression. I don't mind telling people that; in fact, it's been 10 years now, and I can't even remember ever having shame about that- even though, at some point, I'm sure I did. But I know that it's a part of me and my past, and because I still suffer from depression sometimes, it helps to remember that time. In fact, I learned so much there that I use in everyday life. When I tell people that and they seem shocked or embarrassed for me, I makes me so sad for that person. It must be so hard for them when they have to admit how human we all are.

That experience, believe it or not, was the beginning of my "real life," the one I've been living for quite some time now. It led me to what I do, what I am, how I believe.

My hope is that I will walk away from cancer with this sort of attitude. I guess because I had a sort of life changing experience so early in life, I haven't exactly had the same view of cancer as a lot of people I know. I still get mad in traffic, I still haven't found my greater cause for having gone through this. Is that negative? I'm not sure. The Boob and I both believe that a lot of good has come out of this, and it's not like it hasn't changed my life. But I guess I'm just not over it.

I hate it. I hate cancer. I that I had it, I hate that it's changed who I am. I hate that I don't know how to be who I was. And I'm pissed.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, I'll tell ya. All these thoughts have led to a lot of reflection, and I finally broke down and just decided to get some good ol' fashion therapy.

So I found a therapist. A great therapist, actually, and even though I've only chatted with him once, it made a tremendous difference. He even has some experience counseling cancer patients, too. I'm really hoping this will help out this whole process. I mean, hey, it can't hurt, right? So, yeah, I'm stoked. I'm in therapy. Let the mother f**king healing begin.

Oh, but that's not all. There are changes abound going on up in this mug. I also started a running log online, and you gotta check it out. I'm on a roll. Seriously. I'm the next big thing in fat girl running.
Bobby and I also had some excellent advice the other day when we were both bitching about the state of things in these United States. Some good friends of ours are planning on moving to Costa Rica, and it just might be the spot for us, too. Did you know they did away with their military and put, literally, all of the money they were spending on education instead? So, as poor as this country is, it's got a 100% literacy rate. Is that awesome? How can you not love this country?

Also, it's one of the most biologically diverse and ecologically friendly countries in the world. And, this is the kicker- it's warm all year round. Consider me a Tica, hooches.

Amazing, isn't it?
How something so awesome can fall in your lap? I'm personally excited.

I've also started the quest for a new tattoo. I'll keep you posted on that, but the prospects are almost as exciting as my new life in Costa Rica.

That's it for now... peace and porkchop grease-



Sarah said...

hey lori

i stopped checking your blog cuz you never updated but look at all i've missed! glad to have ya back!

i know you just want to put cancer all behind you and it was obvious that's why you weren't posting. don't feel bad about that. why the hell shouldn't you put it in your reaerview mirror. the past is over baby! of course your gonna think about it sometimes when you don't want to. it was a traumatic event and i don't doubt that cancer survivors who are not in the the throws of it go through some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. just like i'm sure you flash to your depressive episode too. thanks for sharing that by the way. i too had a major depressive episode at 22 and it scares the hell outta me to think of ever going to that dark place again for so long. i've often thought that that depressive epi was much more difficult than my cancer... you probably "get" that.

good for you for getting a little help. we all need it sometimes.

glad to hear you are enjoying your job so much! and keep up the running girl! costa rica is beautiful... hablo espanol though? i guess spanish is to texas as french is to ontario.

Anonymous said...

Hoochie Hooochie Costa Rican mama!!!
I am in!! All that high spirited moving talk got me pumped up - I can't wait - way atleast not longer than it will take for me to finish my training as the worlds Premiere waxer - what - what

Oh BTW - you have to let me know how yours and Candy's waxing goes?!!??@@

I am glad to hear about the therapy - hell Ive been going for 2 or three months and besides it being so damn expensive I love it.

I love Grease watched some of it today - went to TJ - it was an okay time don't know why I was scared to go with you all that time -

Well I love you and Let the Gods hear this
"let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!" Hope the rest of your day went well and that you had a nice work to help you stay on track with you 3 mile running BUTT!! Big Bootie Hoes

Love it love you

faye said...

Yeah, Mandy wants to come to Costa Rica! People, let me tell you that I think you should work on the Barack Obama campaign trail b4 you give up on America...Having said that, we're the F out of here in ten yrs or so, as has been the plan.

..Mandy, I need waxing help....I get allllll the way to the very very most important final 6 square inches, and the pain makes me want to pass out. I can't do it. Like I told Lori, I can feel my heart beating in my crotch. I tried numbing cream, analgesic spray, ibprofrin, ice...IT HURTSSSSSSS.

So happy to hear everyone's in therapy. I don't think I'll ever stop; it IS expensive, but it's been really worth it in my life. Love that mental health.


I'm Too Young For This!