I feel for some reason the need to post an update on Oscar. I'm not sure why- most of you don't even know him. Maybe this is for me, instead of you. Gah. You're so self centered.
Oscar is home, getting lots of meds to regulate his pain, symptoms, etc. He looks better than I've seen him in a while- more relaxed, more himself, more comfortable. And yet I'm sad. I'm sad that he's going. I should have taken more efforts to get to know him. I should not have been held back my shyness or embarassment. I should not have spent so much time at work when I could've been cultivating a friendship.
We all know this, I guess, that time is precious. That we never know what could happen to anyone at any point, and to cherish every moment. But it seems so clear to me tonight.
And so, I attempt not to hold back, and try to tell you what is keeping facing forward these days: The world is beautiful, and we can only be truly happy when we learn to accept and learn to love not only the joy in it, but the heartache.
And though I am so unsure of how to do that, I know that I simply must somehow learn.
-L
i2y
1 comment:
Hi Lori,
I don't think you are self centered at all. I think you share what you feel in ways that speak to people like me who you'll probably never meet beyond the MPIP and blogging. I admire you for being able to speak so honestly about what you are going through with others. My natural shyness is such that I'm afraid to even talk about friends, family, or anyone much on my blog. I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, revealing too much, all those well intentioned but basically dumb reasons. As a result all I talk about is myself.
In terms of reaching out in person, now that is the hardest of all and you are learning to do that at a much younger age than I did. I do find the older I get that it has become a little bit easier but I was a slow learner. I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much loss right now. I think you captured what I try to do when you said the world is beautiful . . . and learn to love not only the joy in it, but the heartache."
I think of letting the joy in as honoring my good fortune and as to the rest, unless we live in a cave the heartache is part and parcel of life. I wish it weren't so but in a way your saying we need to learn to love the heartache says to me that if we didn't love we wouldn't have that ache, and so we have to accept that it's all part and parcel of this beautiful life we are given, and the varied enriching people we are given the chance to know, even if only briefly. Sometimes, however, it truly sucks and I'm so sorry that you have dealt with so much sadness recently. As ever, Carver
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