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Doing Better

I guess the news is that I'm doing better. I had lots of good folks writing and calling me to check in and I appreciate all the concern. It's always encouraging to see how much you're thought of. I feel very loved.

I wish that I could say everything I've been going through is a big misunderstanding but the truth is I've taken a long, hard look at myself and realized that a few too many things I thought I was doing right were in fact very wrong. It's strange when things feel like they are so right and then one day you suddenly find that no matter how right they feel, they just plain aren't. I realize also that it seems I'm talking in riddles here but you just have to go with me on this one.
It's a very humbling experience to say the least. I have been doing things a certain way for many years now and it is a big change for me to suddenly face a different direction and do things totally different. I am working through it and can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a very tiny light and a long, long tunnel. But a light, nonetheless.

It's also come to my attention that things I thought I got over years ago, things that I have worked through and found my footing on began to creep back up in my life. I am told that being very ill and vulnerable and weak can cause you to relapse like this. I never thought that would be possible because I spent so much time correcting these things years ago. But issues from a long time past are in my face once again, and I can only pray that this time they will be easier to conquer.
I guess that's it for now. Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers and I promise to check in again soon.

-MM

Would you believe me if I said I was depressed?

Probably so, huh. You've probably had an inkling all along. Looking back, I don't know how I didn't know. But a certain turn of events within the last 2 weeks left me standing completely still in the middle of the day and saying, "I feel like I have no control over my life."

What a revelation.

How is that possible? Aren't I the ONLY one who has control of my life? Am I just now feeling this or have I felt this (and lied about feeling it) since May 22, 2005, when I was diagnosed with cancer? The answer is I honestly have no idea. But now the truth is in front of me, and I can look back and see that so much of what I've felt for a very long time has stemmed from this. Maybe not since diagnosis, but at some point since then.

So what does this mean? I guess I don't know. I can tell you how I feel: like I've just moved into a big, new flat and am all ready to start fixing it up but have no idea where to begin. Then I have waves of complete exhaustion and I think, "Are you kidding me? How are you going to do all this?"

And, of course, I feel like an idiot that I've just now realized something that I've felt for a very long time.

Suddenly everything looks very different to me. Like I said, it varies in waves between bright, sunny skies and ominously dark clouds. I am smiling one moment, completely happy, and then crying for no apparent reason for hours at a time. I have people all around me; more support than I've probably had in my whole life, and yet I somehow allow myself to feel very alone and small.

And then I think again of the big, new place and how cool it will be to live there in just a few weeks or months. I have to admit that I'm so self-absorbed I can hardly stand myself, but I'm not sure if there's any other option now. I just want to feel really, really safe again in my own skin. That's my first goal.

I'll keep you posted.

-MM

Jordin Sparks & Melanoma Awareness

It's the little things we can do that sometimes helps the most.


-MM