For a long time, the answer was always "disappointing the people that I love." But, after a lifetime of disappointing people that I love, I have realized there is, at some points, no way to avoid it if you're going to be true to yourself. And then later in life I realized that sometimes the people I disappointed were people that I loved but that didn't really love me back. So there went that one.
The truth is, to be completely honest with you, my biggest fear is the, "I never thought you would do this" moment that occurs so many times in our lives. It can be found in the following forms:
- I never thought you'd treat me this way
- I never thought you would intentionally hurt me
- I never thought you'd cheat on me
- I never thought a friend would do such a thing
- I never thought we'd drift apart \I never thought you'd stop talking to me just because blah blah blah
- insert other here
It's a tough fear to overcome. I fight between being naturally friendly and being very protective of myself. I don't trust easily, but genuinely love working with people. So it's sort of a paradox, if I want to be dramatic about it. Recently I was reminded of my intuition and how I generally know pretty quickly whether I should let someone in. I ignored my instincts and got burned again.
Getting burned is just part of life. But it's always a battle, being compassionate and loving towards others, while still being compassionate and loving towards myself. This is the big one I'm working on right now.
Thank you, higher power, for everything you send my way.