Sunday, April 11, 2010

What is my worst fear?

I was recently asked this question by one of my fifth graders. A question like that takes you places.

For a long time, the answer was always "disappointing the people that I love." But, after a lifetime of disappointing people that I love, I have realized there is, at some points, no way to avoid it if you're going to be true to yourself. And then later in life I realized that sometimes the people I disappointed were people that I loved but that didn't really love me back. So there went that one.

The truth is, to be completely honest with you, my biggest fear is the, "I never thought you would do this" moment that occurs so many times in our lives. It can be found in the following forms:
  • I never thought you'd treat me this way
  • I never thought you would intentionally hurt me
  • I never thought you'd cheat on me
  • I never thought a friend would do such a thing
  • I never thought we'd drift apart \I never thought you'd stop talking to me just because blah blah blah
  • insert other here
It's a tough fear to overcome. I fight between being naturally friendly and being very protective of myself. I don't trust easily, but genuinely love working with people. So it's sort of a paradox, if I want to be dramatic about it. Recently I was reminded of my intuition and how I generally know pretty quickly whether I should let someone in. I ignored my instincts and got burned again.

Getting burned is just part of life. But it's always a battle, being compassionate and loving towards others, while still being compassionate and loving towards myself. This is the big one I'm working on right now.

Thank you, higher power, for everything you send my way.



Gatapininha said...

As pessoas nem sempre são aquilo que nós queremos que elas sejam e acho que é por isso que nos desiludimos, não porque elas nos enganaram, mas porque nós não quisemos ver a realidade e idealizamos o "outro".

Com o tempo tudo passa, o mais importante é estarmos vivas e bem:)


Aqui vai uma, muito má, tradução lol

People nor always are what we want that they are and find that she is therefore that we disillusion in them, not because they had deceived in them, but because we did not want to see the reality and idealize " the other". With the time all she passes, most important she is to be alive well and:)

PS: This translation is bad, soo bad lol

faye said...

Sometimes I think we can't know our worst fears-- or that it is hard to, only comes after some peeling- and even then, who knows? I dunno. I know less every day; a little stupidity is liberating as hell, turns out. I know that as I remove once unseen habits of repressing my fears (habits like eating, but with a capital E, Friends reruns or forcing a marriage), new fears pop up. The biggest fears, I was afraid to look at so much that could only see an edge of them in the periphery- They were to scary to name. I know them now, but I am also humbled enough now to wonder what else is down there. Being shocked is awful, though, you're right- the fear of it. The rough edge of vulnerability.

faye said...

Oh, that sounded negative, and I actually feel so hopeful- seeing our fears and feeling them, I think, is so liberating- because we can conceive of the idea that we might just be okay even if they happen.

swamphoundz said...

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

Mariane Williamson

I love to think about that quote because it really turns the tables. You are strong and you are kind and you are a very great person.

How dare someone hurt you. You want me to beat 'em up? (KIDDING)

I love you Lori. Can you feel the hug that I am sending?



I'm Too Young For This!