I don't really know where any of this is going.... so you guys are just gonna get "train of thought" writing today.
Today I feel empty, disconnected, hurt. I've been thinking a lot of my own importance or lack thereof.
There is a huge realization that I have filled my life, from a very early age, with people that put their own needs before mine. And the strangest thing I can say about that is that it never really seemed that weird. It was what I expected, and perhaps even needed.
And here I am, 37, looking back, and being so angry with myself for not demanding more. Today, finally, I am worthy of all the things everyone else is.
Just recently I have, maybe for the first time in my life, seen myself in someone else's eyes- someone who I think may have valued my needs even higher than their own. The conversation made me want to run back to all the people in my life and say, "look! I've figured it out! All you have to do is give in to some of the things I want, and then we can all be happier." But it's like that scene in movies when the music comes to a screeching halt and all I could hear were crickets. I waited for their response. I waited for a realization. And then it dawned on me, and my jaw dropped. They are more important than me. At least to themselves. Even though I've given in a thousand times, talked myself into living a subpar life at times to keep them happy, my request flabbergasts them. They're appalled. They throw their hands in the air and begin ranting. How dare I.
The biggest consolation is the emptiness inside me, because in the middle of the night, diving into that abyss, I find that it is not emptiness at all. It is simply space. I don't know what the space is for, but I pray it's for new feelings of gratitude. For opportunity. For the future. And for ME.
And so I guess, believe it or not, according to my favorite quote, today is the best day of my life.