I MUST be Butter, cause I'm on a ROLL!!!

When you have melanoma, or any other cancer for that matter, people take insults from you much more easily and without nearly as much fuss, especially if there's a chance of you dieing. So! Let me start this post by saying that I know none of you slackers have written to your congress-people about the budget cuts that GDub has proposed, and I am personally incredibly offended by all of your lazy butts. However, because I can relate to not only your apathy and disgrace, but your sense of taste in the immediately gratifying, I am pasting a letter RIGHT HERE on the Miss Melanoma blog for you to send it. How easy is that? Of course, I ripped all of this off from Lance Armstrong's site, due to the fact that I am as lazy and apathetic as all of you. Here goes.

Tell Congress - Don't Slow Down the Fight!

But seriously...
On February 6, President Bush proposed to Congress his federal budget for Fiscal Year (FY) 2007. The President's budget fails to meet even the basic public health needs for cancer patients and survivors. This is unacceptable. The 1.4 million people who hear the words, "You have cancer" this year need to know that our elected officials are making cancer a national priority. Congress needs to hear loudly from cancer survivors and others that our nation can't step back from the fight against cancer. Let them hear you today.

Click here to find your representative's email address.-----> United States House of Representatives

Please use this as your subject line in your email: -----------> DON'T IGNORE THE FIGHT AGAINST CANCER


Then copy and insert this letter, written by HOTTIE Lance Armstrong himself. (I'd like to see that StrongArm, if you know what I mean). (That's me on the right, trying to get my tongue in his ear.)

Anyway, here's the letter:

------->When the Budget Resolution is considered in the House and Senate, please oppose the President's proposed cuts and vote in support of efforts to increase funding for cancer research and programs, such as the Specter-Harkin amendment to restore funding for all health and education programs to the levels they were at two years ago. As you and your colleagues are considering the FY 2007 budget, I urge you to only support a budget resolution that increases funding for cancer research and programs. Unfortunately, the President's FY 2007 budget fails to meet even the basic public health needs for cancer patients and survivors. On the heels of approving the first cut to National Institutes of Health (NIH) and National Cancer Institute (NCI) funding since 1970 in FY 2006, the President has proposed even deeper cuts in FY 2007. As a result, the total number of NIH-funded research project grants would drop by 642, or 2 percent, below last year’s level. Funding for the NCI would be cut by $40 million. In addition to these cuts in medical research, the President's budget also proposes deep reductions at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) for chronic disease prevention, quality of life programs, and health promotion. Specifically, the proposal cuts nearly $20 million from chronic disease programs, which include cancer control, prevention, and survivorship. In fact, under the President's proposal, the CDC Cancer programs, which are already severely under-funded, would be cut by more than $3 million. As you well know, the Congressional Budget Resolution sets the spending caps for the year by "Functions." For health care, including medical research and public health programs, the critical Function is "550." If you support cancer research and public health programs and are serious about the commitment to end suffering and death from cancer, you should only support a Congressional Budget Resolution that increases Function 550 funding over last year's level. When the Budget Resolution is considered in the House and Senate, please oppose the President's proposed cuts and vote in support of efforts to increase funding for cancer research and programs, such as the Specter-Harkin amendment to restore funding for all health and education programs to the levels they were at two years ago. I will be following the budget process closely. Please let me know what actions you plan to take to support increasing funding for cancer research and programs.

Sincerely,

(insert your little ol name here)

That's love, right there folks... doin all that work for you. So get off your buttskies and help all those cancer patients out there. Doing something you don't want to do builds character.

-L

Ask me about my meth lab

Here's a question for you: what do mathematics and constipation have in common? You can work them both out with a pencil. Okay, it's not really funny, but how many jokes about poop are? Exactly. So it's Friday night and I was too whipped to do anything fun tonight. The third chemo treatment in the week always wipes me out, and I spent most of the day laying down. Melanoma could be one of those resorts that force you to spend 19 hours a day in bed. I should start a nail salon specifically for cancer patients who border on comatose like me for days like these. At least that way my toes (all 9 of them) would look good while I drool on myself.
Oh well, might as well make the best of it. When else in my life will I be able to say I was sedated for a full year? It's funny, I wonder what people on chemo did before the internet. I'd be going stir-crazy without it. There's a certain joy in internet porn.
So the PET Scan came back all clear, and I haven't heard from the CAT scan doctor so I'm assuming all is good there. Nothing like good news and knowing I don't have to get another scan for 3 more months. Ah, the life of a cancer patient. No news is good news, though, and if constipation is my biggest worry, I'll take it. I guess the worst part of the treatment now is all the drugs I'm pumping into my body. It's true, though, that Oncologists do give out the best candy. :)
Checked out PlanetCancer.com today; it's a great little site for young adults diagnosed with cancer. Lots of smartass comments about the old C word and plenty of sarcasm to go around. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Lots of good stuff is coming up: I'm trying to get some of my art up on the ol homepage. Hoping I"ll be feeling good enough to go to Gilda's on Tuesday, and I'm planning a trip to San Diego next month, so if you need souvenirs, now's the time to put in your request. I'm personally looking forward to getting my own bobble-head chiuahua. You know you're jealous.
On a final and oddly serious note, I'd like to encourage everyone to visit the Lance Armstrong Foundation page or check with your local representative: cancer research funding may be cut for the first time in a decade, cut back to levels that will slow any additional progress so essential to cancer cures and cancer survivorship. I know this is a little Erin Brockavich-ish, but drastic budget cuts to cancer research are happening, and will continue to happen, if no one speaks up. You have to realize that cancerous diseases like melanoma have increased more than 100 percent in the last few decades, and we need to speak up to government to emphasize the priorities of our health. If this is an important issue to you, please contact your congressional representative at the United States House of Representatives, and urge them to stop any additional budget cuts for cancer research. This year 1.3 million Americans will be diagnosed with cancer.
Okay, so I'm off my soapbox. Now surf on over to your house of reps page and then you can get back to your Mystery Science Theater reruns.

-L

Miss Melanoma- it's like Missy Elliot, but with less Bling

Hey kids,
Just checking in with all of you on the latest and greatest in cancer news. I had my CAT scan done, and there's no word from the doctor, so my guess is my hypothesis about an alien giving birth to drills in my brain was way off. The pain still hasn't totally subsided, but it's alot better, and I'm taking those drugs like Liberace in a sequin factory. I also had a PET scan this week, and get results from that probably tomorrow. All I can tell you about that experience was that I think the tech was that guy from Deliverance. Scary, and they obviously don't have much of a dental plan there.
Anyway, not much else besides that goin on. I'm coming up on just 4 months of chemo left, and I can't tell you how awesome that feels. I have a new Dermatologist named Dr. Lee, and I feel good about him checking my "moles" regularly and thoroughly, if you know what I mean. j/k Anyway, we put together a little top ten list for old times sake, and I'll be in touch soon with all my lab results. Until then, keep your head in the clouds, and keep reaching for cigars.

-L


Top Ways to Know You're a Cancer Survivor

10. Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and actually you're glad to hear it. You then hit the snooze until 6 p.m.
9. That person who always invites you to lunch keeps pressuring you until you just say "You know, I really just don't like you."
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When even the chemo can't stop you from the urge to choke the person who says, "all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude" or "you'll feel better if you get out and do something."
6. You've developed some wierd fascination for people in lab coats.
5. You use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and the lint roller to brush your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new
convertible instead.
3. Your dog quits "transitioning" ownership to one of your roommates.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is your birthday, and not
the last day of your chemo treatment.
1. When you look forward to the day you use your hospital parking pass less than your Visa.
0. You've got more track marks than Keith Richards, Sid Vicious and Courtney Love combined.
-1. Your blood counts levels are so low dracula wouldn't even bother stopping at your place
-2. Friends stop making that "oh" face. And no, we don't mean THAT "oh" face; they stop making the "Oh,- you- have- cancer- oh- face".
-3. You start to miss chemo, remembering just the good times like in a bad relationship.
-4. You've become a wig snob.
-5. You know how to spell the names of drugs that are 40 letters long and all consonants.
-6. The "Will you take the dog out? I don't feel good." routine isn't working like it used to.
-7. You start asking for all your stuff back that you gave away when you "got the news."
-8. You realize that when people are saying, "Hi, how are you?" it's really just mindless chit-chat again.
And the negative nine reason why you know you are a cancer survivor is:
You have loose stools for a week and it's a welcome change from the usual.

Masterbation ups Chemo Patients Bloodcounts

I read this yesterday on the internet, so it's got to be true, right. I'm not taking any chances. :)
Today I'm feeling better with my new Rx, and I got the ol' CAT Scan taken care of, so I'm excited to be finding out what's going on in my head, besides the now constant lure of masterbation.

I also thought y'all might enjoy a "top ten" list of how to respond to nosy questions. Pass it on, or feel free to use them on your own. Here's a couple of pics of my own scar, which I usually tell people is the result of a pigmy goat mauling. From some angles, it has an uncanny resemblence to another, more, um, let's just say attractive, body part. What can I say? Who doesn't love having a prosthetic-looking sex organ laying around on your leg?

And now the top 10 responses to nosy questions about cancer and scars....
10. Chemo? It's not that bad. I just think of it as an involuntary drug habit.
9. Oh, you should see how many presents I got. Made the cancer totally worth it.
8. No, that's not just a scar, it's where my fetal siamese twin was attached.
7. You think that's bad, you should see the other guy.
6. It's getting more and more difficult to smuggle drugs these days.
5. Oh that? It's just flesh-eating bacteria.
4. You'd be amazed how much you can get for black market organs.
3. That's where the aliens put the chip to track my movements.
2. I don't really remember it. Do you know what drugs they give cancer patients?
1. I should've listened to Mom when she said don't scratch that mosquito bite.

On a random note, check out this cool website I found here on blogger: it's called Post a Secret. They've even put a book out on some of the postcards people have sent in. I think you'll find it refreshing.

Hope all is well with all of you. Let's be safe out there, and I'll check in soon.

-L

Ah, the masses have spoken

Hey kids, I've gotten an email from a few of you asking for an updated blog. Remember a while back when I told y'all I don't like to really communicate when I feel bad? Well, I feel bad. In fact, this is probably the worst I've felt since this whole thing started. I'm not sure how long I've had this migrane, but it just keeps getting worse and I'm not sure what to do about it. About 2 hours ago, I took a Vicodin and 2 Midrin, and this is the first time I haven't had excruitiating pain in days. Tomorrow I get to try another Rx, and Tuesday is a CT scan of my head to see what's going on. Just not really in the mood to joke around much, but I appreciate all of your concerns. I'll let you know as soon as I get any news. Sorry for the downer, but don't worry: I'll be back to insulting and harrassing all of you soon.

-L