Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Miss Melanoma- it's like Missy Elliot, but with less Bling

Hey kids,
Just checking in with all of you on the latest and greatest in cancer news. I had my CAT scan done, and there's no word from the doctor, so my guess is my hypothesis about an alien giving birth to drills in my brain was way off. The pain still hasn't totally subsided, but it's alot better, and I'm taking those drugs like Liberace in a sequin factory. I also had a PET scan this week, and get results from that probably tomorrow. All I can tell you about that experience was that I think the tech was that guy from Deliverance. Scary, and they obviously don't have much of a dental plan there.
Anyway, not much else besides that goin on. I'm coming up on just 4 months of chemo left, and I can't tell you how awesome that
feels. I have a new Dermatologist named Dr. Lee, and I feel good about him checking my "moles" regularly and thoroughly, if you know what I mean. j/k Anyway, we put together a little top ten list for old times sake, and I'll be in touch soon with all my lab results. Until then, keep your head in the clouds, and keep reaching for cigars.


Top Ways to Know You're a Cancer Survivor

10. Your alarm clock goes off at 6 a.m. and actually you're glad to hear it. You then hit the snooze until 6 p.m.
9. That person who always invites you to lunch keeps pressuring you until you just say "You know, I really just don't like you."
8. You're back in the family rotation to take out the garbage.
7. When even the chemo can't stop you from the urge to choke the person who says, "all you need to beat cancer is the right attitude" or "you'll feel better if you get out and do something."
6. You've developed some wierd fascination for people in lab coats.
5. You use your toothbrush to brush your teeth and the lint roller to brush your hair.
4. You have a chance to buy additional life insurance but you buy a new
convertible instead.
3. Your dog quits "transitioning" ownership to one of your roommates.
2. When your biggest annual celebration is your birthday, and not
the last day of your chemo treatment.
1. When you look forward to the day you use your hospital parking pass less than your Visa.
0. You've got more track marks than Keith Richards, Sid Vicious and Courtney Love combined.
-1. Your blood counts levels are so low dracula wouldn't even bother stopping at your place
-2. Friends stop making that "oh" face. And no, we don't mean THAT "oh" face; they stop making the "Oh,- you- have- cancer- oh- face".
-3. You start to miss chemo, remembering just the good times like in a bad relationship.
-4. You've become a wig snob.
-5. You know how to spell the names of drugs that are 40 letters long and all consonants.
-6. The "Will you take the dog out? I don't feel good." routine isn't working like it used to.
-7. You start asking for all your stuff back that you gave away when you "got the news."
-8. You realize that when people are saying, "Hi, how are you?" it's really just mindless chit-chat again.
And the negative nine reason why you know you are a cancer survivor is:
You have loose stools for a week and it's a welcome change from the usual.

No comments:


I'm Too Young For This!