Hard and Cold

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They say you should never ask a scorpio a question unless you want to hear the truth.  Because a scorpio will tell you, even if you can't handle it.  And I'm going to tell you the truth right now, even though I can barely handle it.

Lately, every day seems a little better than the last.  And these days, I'm extremely happy at least once a day.    That's a big deal.  I mean, when was the last time you were like extremely happy??? Exactly.  So things are getting better.  Every day, a little better.  And most days I don't cry.

 But I do have bad days.  Bad days that are getting to be fewer and further between, but still- they are bad.  On those days I  usually spend a few hours crying because I'm just so damn sad.  I'm sad.  I don't know how else to say it.  I'm really effin sad.  I think the sadness started with my back problems, and the sadness led me down a path where I became just way more conscious of my life, in general.  And I think that led to a lot of changes.  And I loved my life.  I loved the people in my life and the way I felt and there were a million tiny things I was thankful for every single day.  And I was really happy. 

 But there was a voice inside me, in the middle of the night that kept nudging me, and for a long time, I didn't know why. And I didn't know what it said.  But when I finally heard it, it didn't say what I thought it would.  It said something like,  I am miraculous.  Something like that.  Something that when you hear it, you immediately laugh because there is nothing that could be less true.  But that's what it said.  And it meant it.  And it didn't have anything to do with anyone else. It didn't mean anything about anyone else, it was just there, hanging heavy in the darkness.  It's true, it would say, a literal miracle.  

 And so, like a toddler learning to walk, I tried my new legs. Tried to listen to the voice, and live my life like it was a miracle.  But I didn't even know how, or why even.  Or who that person was.  I couldn't imagine leaving my wonderful life for something that I couldn't even comprehend.  And so I decided that the best I could do is just try.  Just try and freaking fall on my face as a failure doing it, but try.  So I got up one day and I lived my life like I thought a miracle would. I lived it like I only had weeks to live.  And it betrayed so much of who I was, but I knew it was a closer life to a miracle than not.




What you probably don't realize about me is that I'm kind of a loser.  And multiple people have tried to tell me this through my life- that I mess things up when I'm in a good situation. And so I continued my lifelong pattern of screwing up the best things that happen to me, and  I was clumsy with words I'd never wanted to use and feelings I didn't understand.  I'm an idiot.  Like I said though, I decided that the best I could do is just try.  Trying led me to situations I don't think I'd ever been in before, and to emotions that spanned from the depths of places I never thought I'd go to complete elation.  It was like a sound wave when the volume rises, stretching and swelling at both ends of the spectrum.  Feelings I hadn't had in years rang through me.  And even though I did the best I could, I failed majorly sometimes. I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry that I reacted with emotions I was forcing myself to feel. They were there, and I honest to God did the best I knew how.  Of course I would do things differently if I could do them over.  But I accept my failures.  


And if that makes me a terrible person in your eyes, then I humbly accept your opinion, but I disagree. 

I loved my beautiful life.  It's gone forever, and I miss it every day. 


And my life had absolutely nothing to do with me being an idiot.  It was an innocent bystander.  And I'm sorry for that.  I put my own needs above everything else.  And I'm not going to apologize about it forever, because, like I said, I'm sorry, it had nothing to do with anything else, and I did the best with what I had.  I'm done with the shame and hating myself for my mistakes.


So basically, here I am.  In this moment.  I realize that I chose this crazy, chaotic, insane, scary, unstable life over the amazing one I had before. 


But  I'm ok.  I'm better.  Let's just say I've moved from being an emotional toddler to a kindergartner.  So I'm still pissing my pants, but I've gained some skills in learning to live a life as if it is a miracle.  It's not easy.  It doesn't even feel worth it right now.  But the voice says it WILL be worth it.  So I'm sticking with it.  And hoping for miracles. I don't think I'll be disappointed. :)




-MM