Like Whoa

It has been a crazy couple of months, and it's strange to look back at this blog and see that my last post at the beginning of August and the disarray my life appeared to be then.

And here we are in October. School is in full swing and is as crazy as ever. There have been a lot of management changes in my district and we have all been affected.  Teachers more than anyone, but everyone is on edge and it seems like people who you never would've guessed are biting everyone's heads off.  Luckily, there is a small group of us that are still friends and close, and I really believe that we are all getting through this only because we have each other.

But it's only 29 more weeks, right?

To add insult to injury, I've recently been accused of something at work (that was later found to be a lie), and I was quite shaken by that.  The whole incident made me realize what a huge part of my life my job and my students are, and I have a new found appreciation for work.  Even though this year is a complete beat-down. lol


As for me..... wow, I don't know where to begin.  Every second I have to myself seems like a treasure- I love having my own life and my own time.  I no longer feel lonely when I am stuck at home alone.  In fact, it's more welcome than ever, even when I was unhappy and my alone time was a solace to me.  My personal life is a bit strange.  I know now how married to my job I am, and it's as big a struggle as it has always been.  But things are certainly different this year.  Better.  Like way better.  Even though I feel like I'm watching something (my school) be dissected and sewn randomly back together, and am stressed beyond belief about that, I've somehow managed to leave it at school so far.  Most of the time.  Ok, some of the time.


My personal life has taken a completely different turn.  I don't want to say too much about it, but let's just say that I've had an astonishing epiphany.  I'm happy.  I'm sure I will have my ups and downs as I've always had, but I starting to see my life for what it is, and it's pretty damn good.  I don't know really what else to say besides that, but I'm finally kinda living the life of my dreams.  That sounds so insane to say that.... just a few months ago I felt like I'd never find happiness.  I felt like I'd made the worst mistake of my life.  And now, here it is October- Halloween is coming, fall is upon us with it's coziness, and I have new reasons to wake up  happy every day.

Hope everything is wonderful with you.


-MM

Sacred, by Suzanne Falter Barns

You are divine.

Perhaps in the flow of your life you've forgotten this.

You are a sacred child ... one who makes mistakes, and then gets up again - although it seemed like a good idea at one point to stay curled up forever.

You are bliss incarnate.

Have you forgotten?

You are every single person you touch, inside and out.

You know their pain, their resistance, their upsets, their longings.

Yes, you really do know this.

Intimately.

And with this knowledge you can be of truest service to the world.

By holding yourself in the deepest embrace ...

By holding every single scrape you have endured, every tender place that has been bruised again and again.

Love every deep fold of your soul.

Particularly those places you have been afraid to even know.

Now is the time to drink in your essence

For that is where you will find your greatest love.



By Suzanne Falter Barns

Brand new day

The 5 stages of grief are:

1. Denial and Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

Last night's post was obviously from the depression stage. haha Whoa, what a downer.  

I'm noticing I'm moving in and out of the last three stages pretty regularly almost every day.  I miss the way things used to be, then I think what if I had only done this? or what if that woulda happened?  And then of course there are moments when I'm really happy and pleased with my progress, and excited about my life.    

It's all normal.  I feel really good right now, I feel like I've achieved a little closure.  Things happen for a reason and I can see those reasons really clearly.  I deserve good things, and I made a decision to change my life so that I could get those good things.  There are parts of me that are angry for going so long and not doing anything to fix it, but then I remember everything is as it should be.  And I'm ok.  

Sitting here, feeling better, but still crying as I type, I randomly heard from two people from my past that had wonderful words to lift me up. 

There seriously are no coincidences.  

Sending thanks to the universe that is watching over me. 

-MM

Hard and Cold

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They say you should never ask a scorpio a question unless you want to hear the truth.  Because a scorpio will tell you, even if you can't handle it.  And I'm going to tell you the truth right now, even though I can barely handle it.

Lately, every day seems a little better than the last.  And these days, I'm extremely happy at least once a day.    That's a big deal.  I mean, when was the last time you were like extremely happy??? Exactly.  So things are getting better.  Every day, a little better.  And most days I don't cry.

 But I do have bad days.  Bad days that are getting to be fewer and further between, but still- they are bad.  On those days I  usually spend a few hours crying because I'm just so damn sad.  I'm sad.  I don't know how else to say it.  I'm really effin sad.  I think the sadness started with my back problems, and the sadness led me down a path where I became just way more conscious of my life, in general.  And I think that led to a lot of changes.  And I loved my life.  I loved the people in my life and the way I felt and there were a million tiny things I was thankful for every single day.  And I was really happy. 

 But there was a voice inside me, in the middle of the night that kept nudging me, and for a long time, I didn't know why. And I didn't know what it said.  But when I finally heard it, it didn't say what I thought it would.  It said something like,  I am miraculous.  Something like that.  Something that when you hear it, you immediately laugh because there is nothing that could be less true.  But that's what it said.  And it meant it.  And it didn't have anything to do with anyone else. It didn't mean anything about anyone else, it was just there, hanging heavy in the darkness.  It's true, it would say, a literal miracle.  

 And so, like a toddler learning to walk, I tried my new legs. Tried to listen to the voice, and live my life like it was a miracle.  But I didn't even know how, or why even.  Or who that person was.  I couldn't imagine leaving my wonderful life for something that I couldn't even comprehend.  And so I decided that the best I could do is just try.  Just try and freaking fall on my face as a failure doing it, but try.  So I got up one day and I lived my life like I thought a miracle would. I lived it like I only had weeks to live.  And it betrayed so much of who I was, but I knew it was a closer life to a miracle than not.




What you probably don't realize about me is that I'm kind of a loser.  And multiple people have tried to tell me this through my life- that I mess things up when I'm in a good situation. And so I continued my lifelong pattern of screwing up the best things that happen to me, and  I was clumsy with words I'd never wanted to use and feelings I didn't understand.  I'm an idiot.  Like I said though, I decided that the best I could do is just try.  Trying led me to situations I don't think I'd ever been in before, and to emotions that spanned from the depths of places I never thought I'd go to complete elation.  It was like a sound wave when the volume rises, stretching and swelling at both ends of the spectrum.  Feelings I hadn't had in years rang through me.  And even though I did the best I could, I failed majorly sometimes. I'm sorry for that.  I'm sorry that I reacted with emotions I was forcing myself to feel. They were there, and I honest to God did the best I knew how.  Of course I would do things differently if I could do them over.  But I accept my failures.  


And if that makes me a terrible person in your eyes, then I humbly accept your opinion, but I disagree. 

I loved my beautiful life.  It's gone forever, and I miss it every day. 


And my life had absolutely nothing to do with me being an idiot.  It was an innocent bystander.  And I'm sorry for that.  I put my own needs above everything else.  And I'm not going to apologize about it forever, because, like I said, I'm sorry, it had nothing to do with anything else, and I did the best with what I had.  I'm done with the shame and hating myself for my mistakes.


So basically, here I am.  In this moment.  I realize that I chose this crazy, chaotic, insane, scary, unstable life over the amazing one I had before. 


But  I'm ok.  I'm better.  Let's just say I've moved from being an emotional toddler to a kindergartner.  So I'm still pissing my pants, but I've gained some skills in learning to live a life as if it is a miracle.  It's not easy.  It doesn't even feel worth it right now.  But the voice says it WILL be worth it.  So I'm sticking with it.  And hoping for miracles. I don't think I'll be disappointed. :)




-MM

The Journey, by Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Blessed

 There is nothing more humbling than chaos in your life.  Or debilitating sadness.  Starting over after so long with so little faith in yourself.  Or regret.  

But today there was sunshine and hope, and I made a list of things I have to be thankful for.... 
I'll share it with you.  :)

1. I'm cancer free and alive and able to do things I've always dreamed of.

2. I have an amazing group of friends that keep me sane and happy.

3. I have the best dog on Earth. Sounds silly, but it's true.  And it is practically IMPOSSIBLE to be sad around her. 

4. I have food, a car, a place to live, and clothes to wear. 

5. I am in very little pain these days and am almost completely off pain meds. 

6. The people in my life that love me TRULY love me.  They bless me with their love. 


7. I have wonderful doctors that I love and trust.

8. I am able to support myself.

9. I love my job.

10. I wasn't happy before, and I made difficult, painful decisions to do things so that I could be happy.  I am happier today.  I am building a life I can be proud of.  

-MM

I'm Understanding More

Please keep me in your prayers.  I am fragile, but growing.

-MM

Best day of my Life

I don't really know where any of this is going.... so you guys are just gonna get "train of thought" writing today.

Today I feel empty, disconnected, hurt.  I've been thinking a lot of my own importance or lack thereof.
There is a huge realization that I have filled my life, from a very early age, with people that put their own needs before mine.  And the strangest thing I can say about that is that it never really seemed that weird.  It was what I expected, and perhaps even needed.

And here I am, 37, looking back, and being so angry with myself for not demanding more.  Today, finally, I am worthy of all the things everyone else is.


  Just recently I have, maybe for the first time in my life, seen myself in someone else's eyes- someone who I think may have valued my needs even higher than their own.  The conversation made me want to run back to all the people in my life and say, "look!  I've figured it out!  All you have to do is give in to some of the things I want, and then we can all be happier."  But it's like that scene in movies when the music comes to a screeching halt and all I could hear were crickets.  I waited for their response.  I waited for a realization.  And then it dawned on me, and my jaw dropped.  They are more important than me.  At least to themselves.  Even though I've given in a thousand times, talked myself into living a subpar life at times to keep them happy, my request flabbergasts them.  They're appalled.  They throw their hands in the air and begin ranting.  How dare I.

The biggest consolation is the emptiness inside me, because in the middle of the night, diving into that abyss, I find that it is not emptiness at all.  It is simply space.  I don't know what the space is for, but I pray it's for new feelings of gratitude. For opportunity.  For the future.  And for ME.

And so I guess, believe it or not, according to my favorite quote, today is the best day of my life.

-MM

Truth Be Told

It's been a long time since I've posted, and there's so much to tell you that it would be easier to talk about the things that haven't changed in my life than what has.

That's a whole lotta change.

But tonight instead of thinking of change, I'm thinking of people.  People in my life.   The ones who have entered and left over the years.  The ones who dropped out and the ones who came back.  The ones like family.  The ones who look you in the eye and make you feel like you can be better just because of the way they see you.  The ones who are all locked up inside themselves.  I think people are the most fascinating creatures, because even the predictable ones will surprise you.

Strange situations are around me, and I have actually chosen to try and be the bigger person.  I may not succeed, but I am trying. Unfortunately, it doesn't feel like growth.  It feels like hurt.  It feels like disappointment and disdain and frustration and salty tears.  So what I'm thinking about tonight is not change, but people. And how disappointing we all can be.  And petty.  And so darn unpredictable.  


But that's not what I should be thinking.  


What I should be thinking is: even if they never realize what they had, I'm here tonight loving the fact that I don't allow them to make me feel small anymore.  And that feels like growth I can actually be happy about.  


Enjoy yourself today.  You are special.  


And as big as the universe. 


-MM

Photo Sunday, slightly delayed

We're just skipping over the awkwardness of how I'm doing and going straight to photo Sunday.  And yes, it's Wednesday.


If you've read this blog at all, you know that I'm very anti-Dallas.

But I swear my little neighborhood, Deep Ellum, makes me feel like I could be anywhere- Austin, San Diego, Denver even maybe?  It's so angsty and anti-establishment it, even I feel like an artist.  :)

I've been doing pretty well with my required pt at home.  The walks are the hardest part, but I distract myself by trying to find cool little hidden niches.  This Sunday I decided to snap a few pics for you guys to get a healthy taste of the only acceptable place to live in Dallas.

Seems like you can hardly find a lamp post or street sign here that hasn't been defaced in some way.  The original art is always entertaining, but I have to admit that I have a thing for an appropriately placed sticker tarnishing a shiny new stop sign. :)

Band posters are ever intriguing to me, and you can find them everywhere in this area- a tribute to the streets that have been considered a musical hotspot in the South since the 1920's.  Those ghosts still haunt the area, and regardless of the ebbs and flows of popularity, the roots are deep and music venues monopolize the area. 

The other third of the businesses you'll see in Deep Ellum are tattoo parlors, much to my heart's delight.  In my mind, tattoos are closely linked to the kind of dissent that keeps a country honest with itself.  I saw a documentary some years ago (was it Sicko?), and I remember distinctly a woman from it saying, "In France, the government is afraid of the people.  In American, the people are afraid of the government."  I know that France earned that right with years and years of rebellion, which I hope America is on the cusp of.   

At least in my neighborhood, I feel like it could be a possibility. 

After walking around  for a while

and seeing so much cool art, 

I was inspired to take a few artsy photos of my own....

of the dog,

a cool old newspaper I found, 

even a sign that I found ironic. :)

 By the end, even the "Visit Myrtle Beach" sky-writing seemed like art. :)

-MM