Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Jo Mama

Okay, so I read over the last post and realize how depressing it sounds; thought I'd recant and let everyone know I'm okay. I'm sure the picture of the kid in the suicide bomber costume wasn't a reasurrance to anyone.
I just never thought I'd feel this way: it's only 4 months into this thing and I'm so ready to be well again. I still have 11 months of this left, and the thought of that is sometimes overwhelming- knowing I'll be unable to work and having to protect myself from getting sick the majority of it. Today I feel pretty good, I feel like I can do this and everything is going to be okay in the end. That this is just a short-term situation and I'm hella strong; way stronger than a year of chemo. (Sorry, that was a little cocky.) The biggest thing is I just can't believe I've slipped like this and let myself get down. I guess a lot of it is that I've never really been sick, and now it seems like one thing after another. The chemo has completely shot my immune system, so I'm not only constantly fighting infection, but I catch a cold everytime someone breathes. It sounds so stupid, but I just wish I had the support I did in the beginning of this. Over time, as I've been going through this, some important people have dropped out of the picture, and I don't blame them- they have their own lives, and their busy just like the rest of the world. I don't know how and don't even really know if I want to reach out to them and say Sh*t, dude- I'm down. I need a shoulder right now. Even if I knew how, honestly, would I do it? No, because I don't want to interfere with their lives. And I'm just plain mad at myself for having ever let myself get so soft that I need someone else so badly. That's a crazy thought, I know. When you have cancer, you HAVE to rely on people. You don't have a choice. That's something I've definately learned. It's tough for someone like me who is kindof a loner by nature, because you're stuck in these situations when the people around you are the big difference in you making it or not. But I'm tired of being that way. I want to be self-sufficient again and I feel stuck. Who knows. I keep faith in the fact that through everything I've seen and had to do, I've learned tons. I learn something everyday that only cancer could have taught me. This, I don't know yet what it is to learn. I hope that it's even though it hurts sometimes when you rely on people and really let them into your heart, it's not a bad thing to do that. That's all I got for now.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Listen there lil Hoochie -
I am here for you like you don't even know... SD is bootifull and I have a handsome fiance but he and I would be right there if you said, " I am ready, get here now," I love you, not like a sister, but because you are my sister. Remember that and call me when you have these moments even if it is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I am HERE for you, just like you are THERE for me.
The mange


I'm Too Young For This!